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[Hcb1128]

My fiancé passed away December 20, 2020. We have a three year old daughter. I feel like it’s finally hitting me now. I tried so hard to make Christmas a happy time for my daughter plus there was so much to do with the wake funeral and everything else that had to be done. We were supposed to get married next January. My daughter seems to be taking it pretty well. She Said she wanted to watch Bambi because the mommy goes to heaven. The things she says makes me cry, but I’m happy because that is how she is processing everything. And she seems to be doing pretty good considering. She tells everyone she sees and meets that her daddy is heaven. I feel so lonely. I’m 29, people keep telling me youl be ok you’ll meet someone else. That’s not what I want. It feels cruel to even think like that idk why people would say that.  It’s like the life you thought you were going to have was just ripped out from under you. I keep going to text him or feel like I am going to see him walk in the door. Everything just feels so weird. I feel like my life is just aimless. I have my daughter so that keeps me busy but when I’m alone it hurts so bad. I wonder how this will affect her and it scares me. 

[Perro J]

I got a second chance at love in life and I lost her in July. I am sorry for your loss.

6 minutes ago, Hcb1128 said:

It’s like the life you thought you were going to have was just ripped out from under you.

Yes. It was.

What I hope I can offer and you will find helpful is that your love need not stop just because he is gone from here. You can still love him.

The rest of what you wrote about how you feel is spot on. I feel that way too.

I say "welcome" but I think you will understand I mean it in the best way that I wish you hadn't had to join us.

I hope you find solace.

[Sparky1]

15 minutes ago, Hcb1128 said:

The things she says makes me cry, but I’m happy because that is how she is processing everything.

I am so sorry for your loss Hcb1128. Hopefully you can get some comfort from the good people here. When I lost my wife, my stepdaughter came over to the house with our 3 year old granddaughter. She said to me hi nonno (grandpa), where's Nonna         ( grandma)? I started crying because I didn't know what to tell her. My stepdaughter told her she's in the picture I had hung on the wall. She continued to play. I can only imagine when she's older and understands where she really is. That's going to hurt all over again.

[Rashell]

I’m new here as well, even though I’ve posted probably 100 times over the last week. My boyfriend died suddenly, went to the store and was murdered, so coming back home to our movie still paused and our half finished coffees on the nightstand was crushing, so many things are crushing. His parents came and took apart our entire room, including taking all of my things, our bed, the shower head, and took our dog within 12 hours, so it has been loss after loss. I’m 22, so I’ve already gotten the “You’ll move on” comments, and it’s only been a week today. We are all here for you and you can message me if you ever need to talk. I get online multiple times a day and am normally awake at all hours of the night, I may not know the right things to say as I’m still figuring things out but I will listen and can share my own experience if you would like.

[Gail 8588]

Hbc, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so unfair, so cruel that our loved ones were snatched away from us.

You are so early in this grief journey there is no way to make any sense of what happened. Really your brain does not function well when you are in this kind of grief. Don't expect too much of yourself. You are doing incredibly well to be taking care of your daughter, even minimally. Lean on others for help if you have family or friends that offer.  Sadly, this is a long road you are on.

All of us are trying to find our way after the death of our true loves too. We will offer what help we can give, but mostly we will listen and let you know you are not alone. Oddly, there is some comfort in that. 

Gail

[Dawn Wms]

I am very sorry for your loss.  I understand that feeling of having your life ripped out from under you.  I feel like I have hatched from an egg and have no idea what to do with my life now that it has been totally upended.  You are so much younger than I am, so I think your life will proceed differently from mine, but I understand feeling that you don't want someone else.  I think it is too soon for people to talk about you moving on to another love.  I do believe it is likely, given your age, but that is not something you need to think about until you feel you are ready.  I am twice your age and so I don't predict (or want) another man in my future, but even if I did, it certainly wouldn't be anytime soon.  I kind of think it is insensitive of people to mention it, even though I am sure they mean well.  They want to give you hope.  Your daughter will be fine because kids are super resilient.  We have grandchildren aged 1, 6 and 8 and they don't really grasp what it means that Grandpa is gone.  We have to keep his memory alive for them and let them know how much he loved them, but they are young enough that they can't really grasp the finality of death.  They fare much better than the adults in this sense.  As others have said, there is not much any of us can do other than to listen and let you know we understand.   I have lost both my parents and in-laws but my husband's death was "out of order," as Megan Devine calls it in her book, "It's O.K. that you're not O.K."  (I highly recommend it.). As I say, we are older, but at 65, he was still way to young to die.

[KayC]

@Hcb1128  I am so sorry, it's hard enough we lost the one person in the world we wanted to spend our lives with but we lose our dreams, plans, future as well.  Your little girl sounds precious and very smart.  We want to welcome you here, it helps to express yourself here where others "get it" and hear you.

We've all received such comments, NOT what we want to hear!  I wish I could teach all of them a class on how to be supportive to someone grieving, what to say, not say, what to do, not do!  Our society has a lot to learn, but not just the US, it seems everywhere!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.