How do you handle...?

[Rocky5678]

...when people ask “how you’re doing” and you can’t tell if it’s the normal curtesy or if they’re asking cause they heard the news? I feel like it’s harder to tell because of masks too I can’t read facial expressions and so I can’t tell if people know or don’t? It just makes me uncomfortable because I don’t know whether to say something or act like everything’s normal? 

this has been happening at work (restaurant) with customers who may or may not have heard my fiancé (who also worked here) passed. And I feel uncomfortable as I also don’t want to be a wet blanket to guests if they’re just being polite. 

[widower2]

ouch...sorry for this. One thing I've used that works pretty well is to "answer" by saying "how are you?"  I.e. not really answering at all, but putting it back on them. Typically they'll say "fine" or similar and you can say "good" and move on from such annoying pleasantries. 

My guess is odds are most people asking don't know and there's no point going there. 

[foreverhis]

Ugh.  I hate that question anyway, especially how it's become an insincere verbal handshake.  I've developed a number of responses for those times such as "I've been better" or "I'm alive, so I guess that's something" and things like that.

When I'd meet casual friends or acquaintances I hadn't seen since before he died, I'd tell them and base any conversation on their response.

If it's a customer who knows you both, could you try something like, "I don't know if you've heard..." and say however much you're comfortable telling or what you think is appropriate?  Even if they're only asking to be polite, if they know both of you, I wouldn't think it inappropriate or being a wet blanket.  If it seems they were asking in the social nicety way, you could maybe follow up the news with, "but I'm glad to see you" or something like that and then transition back to the usual "surface" conversation.  If they were asking sincerely, then a few minutes of conversation may be in order.

IMO, there are very few good answers to questions like that, except when asked by people who know us well and who we know are asking because they really want to know.

[Rashell]

I’m having the hardest time with that question. That’s all anyone has been saying to me, I get that they are trying to be supportive but I don’t have an answer. I’m not “doing”. I can’t imagine being at work in a setting where you’re asked that a hundred times a day. Even hearing it a couple times from friends/family, I wanna scream and pull my hair out. You also notice all the inappropriate jokes people that don’t know what you’re going through make when trying to make small talk, and how casually people use the word “dead”. If one more person says they’re dead serious, I feel like I’m gonna lose it. It hasn’t even been a week for me, so I haven’t figured any of this out, but when I answer that question with “not good” the subject is normally dropped. I also hate the “you’re handling everything so well”s and the “you’ll feel better soon”s because, no I’m not and no I won’t. Or hearing people talk about their minor inconveniences, or hearing them talk about their daily life and realizing everyone else’s worlds keep going. 

[Rocky5678]

1 hour ago, rkligerman said:Even hearing it a couple times from friends/family, I wanna scream and pull my hair out. You also notice all the inappropriate jokes people that don’t know what you’re going through make when trying to make small talk, and how casually people use the word “dead”. If one more person says they’re dead serious, I feel like I’m gonna lose it. It hasn’t even been a week for me, so I haven’t figured any of this out, but when I answer that question with “not good” the subject is normally dropped. I also hate the “you’re handling everything so well”s and the “you’ll feel better soon”s because, no I’m not and no I won’t. Or hearing people talk about their minor inconveniences, or hearing them talk about their daily life and realizing everyone else’s worlds keep going. 

I feel that way when people keep saying “Rocky you’re so young you can start over.” And it’s like actually no it’s because I’m so young (f,26) that it’s overwhelming looking at so much time left without him. “Starting over” isn’t something I want. This isn’t a breakup. We just picked our wedding date. We just decided to have a baby. I’m not starting over. I’m shattered

and yeah “you’re doing so well” and “you’re doing great”. No. I’m not. I’m here. Not doing great. 

Its been just over a month. Please feel free to message me privately for just an ear. I know I’ve needed people to just let me cry and talk and I’ve been blessed to have those people in my life who also don’t try to “give advice” and realize I just need to release. Not everyone is comfortable opening up their harder times to more personal friends. So I want you to know I’m here to help be that person. 

[BryGuy]

I say one day at a time. I think many just don’t know what else to say and I appreciate that at least they’re asking. 

[LoveNeverDies]

My general answer is “I’m okay”( even if I’m not)  to coworkers and customers. If it’s someone close to me such as family or close friends, I would tell them exactly how I’m feeling. If the person is genuinely concerned they’d probably ask you more questions. 

[KayC]

How to answer that depends upon how each of us respond as individuals, some give pat answers like okay so as not to encourage more discussion they may not feel like getting into depending on who they are talking to.  Some who are feeling great anger explode with, "How the hell do you THINK I feel!"  Understandable but not recommended for the obvious.  Others say, "As well as can be expected."  Some, like LoveNeverDies says, if they are talking to someone closer, they might tell them what they're feeling/going through.  Most of us aren't comfortable doing that with someone like a coworker or acquaintance. 

[frenchygirl]

I. HATE. THIS. QUESTION. I think most ask because they don't know how to deal with someone dealing with grief. They don't know what to say. I find, very few people really want the answer to my question. I guess for me, it's a protection, so I just say "I'm ok". I talked about this with my counselor and he said "tell them FINE" (look it up!) I laughed, because that's how I really feel! 

[Elsa]

On 1/9/2021 at 2:29 PM, Rocky5678 said:

I feel that way when people keep saying “Rocky you’re so young you can start over.” And it’s like actually no it’s because I’m so young (f,26) that it’s overwhelming looking at so much time left without him. “Starting over” isn’t something I want. This isn’t a breakup. We just picked our wedding date. We just decided to have a baby. I’m not starting over. I’m shattered

and yeah “you’re doing so well” and “you’re doing great”. No. I’m not. I’m here. Not doing great. 

Its been just over a month. Please feel free to message me privately for just an ear. I know I’ve needed people to just let me cry and talk and I’ve been blessed to have those people in my life who also don’t try to “give advice” and realize I just need to release. Not everyone is comfortable opening up their harder times to more personal friends. So I want you to know I’m here to help be that person. 

I keep cringing at the messages asking « I hope you are starting to feel like the fog is lifting/doing a tiny bit better, in better spirits ».. it will be 6 weeks this week. It feels like 6 years. I don’t feel better, no, I collapse all the time. I feel like people can see the tip of the iceberg « oh he died » and miss the enormous reality of what that represents. The broken dreams and plans, the nights alone, returning to a home full of still life in my case because it was a sudden, brutal death -having to pour out his half-full cup of coffee or take his clothes out of the dryer... the iceberg i am dealing with will take a long time to take less space.I won’t be better for a while I wish they would stop asking..

[Rashell]

3 hours ago, Elsa said:

having to pour out his half-full cup of coffee or take his clothes out of the dryer

Yup to every single thing. He went to the store and never came back. I rushed over and seen his body under a tarp while people yelled at me not to go over there. When I got back home, our movie was still paused, our coffees were only half finished on the nightstand, our breakfast was next to the bed. The movie is the thing that really gets me, neither of us will ever know what happened in that movie. It pops up on my “continue watching” everytime I turn on my TV. Just this stupid movie that we were supposed to finish when he got back in 10 minutes, and never will. Or the christmas present I got him that shipped late and hadn’t gotten here yet, and he wanted me to tell him what it was but I wanted it to be a surprise. Or the tickets to go see the people from our favorite show live in June. The little things are the hardest for me, and the empty house.

[widower2]

8 hours ago, Elsa said:

 I wish they would stop asking..

This is to me an interesting choice to consider. I get what you're saying but I had many people I thought would care enough to ask how I was doing....that didn't. IMO that is not the preferable option, even given how I hated how stupid "how are you" was. 

Basically I have long maintained that there are a million things people can say to you at a time like this. About 99%+ of them you will hate. They don't know that. Try to keep their good intentions in mind, even if it comes out wrong.

 

[Elsa]

You’re absolutely right. Somehow « how are you  doing » is better to me than « I hope you’re starting to feel better ».. the latter makes no sense. He’s not any less dead. I haven’t suddenly found new joy in life. I’m still trying to convince myself that life is worth living. I don’t feel even a tiny bit better, no.. But then yes when the calls and texts slow to a halt (I’m at the 6 week mark so already feeling it), it’s also painful. I know people’s intentions are good, even the ones who have awkwardly made comments about dating sites that horrified me.. they just have no idea. I have had people out of the blue - including an older man on the street - be absolutely amazing, invariably they too had experienced intimate grief. I realise that there is what the world at large thinks is grief (I cried over pets and grandparents for 30 days straight then somehow « got over it ») and there is what all on this board have experienced, this otherworldly intimate grief, the loss of someone so close and dear to you, usually an immediate family member (whether married or not). That’s just another level and I think people have expectations that we should be reacting in a more typical grief kind of way. It’s a humbling and confusing experience. I’ve never felt more supported yet more alone. 

[KayC]

"I hope you're feeling better" is so diminishing and invalidating to what we're going through!  Very inappropriate!  Widower is right about trying to keep in mind they mean well but gosh, when you're struggling to survive, it's hard to have yet another thing thrust at you that we have to "deal with!"  How would THEY feel if it were them?  I wonder if that occurs to any of them!  Not that they could have a clue but...