Members Rashell Posted January 7, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2021 We were watching movies in bed, my boyfriend went to the store, 30 minutes later he hadn’t gotten back and our roommate came in saying there was gunshots down the street. We drove over and he was dead on the ground. We’ve been together for 3 years, we did everything together, I spent almost every second with him, he was my best friend in the whole world and he’s gone. His sister came and cleared all his stuff out of our room less than a few hours later, took our dog, and then the police came and kicked me out and sealed up his room. I begged them to let me keep our dog, and I never get to see him again either. He isn’t close with his family, they didn’t know me or of me. I am the only person that knew what he wanted if anything were to happen, and they aren’t doing it. He wanted our dog to stay with me and his bestfriend (our roommate), he never wanted him to go to his parents and live in a backyard. He wanted his clothes to be given out to his friends, they are selling them. He wanted to be cremated, told me several times, they are religious and are most likely going to bury him. It’s barely been 24 hours. Everything is gone, my dog, who was our child, is gone. I’m being pushed out of everything, his parents are bringing his ex girlfriend from highschool to OUR house, and i’m not allowed to be there. I don’t know what to do, I have no friends, I have no one to talk to, im just going from screaming and crying to completely numb. We were supposed to get married, we were supposed to have kids. We went through a lot last year where I had a miscarriage and got diagnosed with a life long disease, I don’t know how to do this without him. The movie we were watching was still paused, our coffees were on the nightstand, I keep replaying everything in my head, the cops yelling at me to stay back, no one telling me what was going on or if he was breathing, me falling to the ground while someone i didn’t know told me i needed to call someone to pick me up. Everytime my phone rings I think it’s him, I keep forgetting and checking his location, I don’t know what to do. This morning I noticed the key chain he gave me had fallen off my keys and I looked everywhere, it’s gone, it’s just another thing taken from me. He was only 24. We had so many plans, I won’t ever get over it, he is the love of my life, he is my person. I can’t do the things I normally do because I did all of them with him. I have late christmas presents that are being delivered for him, we had tickets to a show in June, we didn’t finish the show we had been watching for the last few months, there’s so much we were supposed to do. No one is respecting what he wanted and I feel so guilty that there’s nothing I can do about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 7, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2021 I am so so sorry , my heart breaks for you. You must be in shock . I don’t understand how his family can just come in and take your dog , as if you didn’t lose enough already. Can one of his friends or the police talk to his family and get your dog back ? I hope you have friends and family to help you through this emotionally. I found it helps to come here and talk about what I’m going through. People here know the pain of losing someone we loved so much, and are very supportive. Please take care of yourself, and come back and talk to us . Huge Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rebootin Posted January 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2021 @rkligerman - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You're in the right place. Please keep coming back. Was this a random robbery or was it drug related? Sounds like the police are assuming it was drug related because they told you to leave and taped up his room. If his autopsy drug screen comes back positive, they will close the case in a heartbeat. I really _do_ know about these things,.I was in the life for many years, then I cleaned up and ended up marrying a police lieutenant. The shitty news is because you weren't married, you will not see the autopsy report or know if the investigation is open or closed. If the police come to talk to you it will not be to update you on the investigation, it will be to find out what you know. So be careful. The good news is that you came to the right place. WE CARE! Get yourself safe. The streets are NOT safe. Can you go back home for a while? How bout a homeless shelter? Do NOT accept help from strangers and don't tell anyone what you're going through. There are a lot of players out there who will only want to take advantage of you. Find a food bank. A little food never hurts. Make an appointment to talk to your local unemployment office. These are the people to tell your story to. See what resources they have that will help you. Contact your local state mental health services. You probably qualify for free services. Social workers are good at finding housing and work. Psychologists are good for support and suggestions. If you have or had a religious preference, call the clergy and explain your situation. They can sometimes be a great help. I did that with the Catholic church and I'm not even Catholic. The priests knew it and were still very very comforting to me at the time. Please keep coming back. I would really like to get to know you. No, I'm not a player, I'm a 66 yo guy who just cares about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rashell Posted January 8, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2021 15 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said: I am so so sorry , my heart breaks for you. You must be in shock . I don’t understand how his family can just come in and take your dog , as if you didn’t lose enough already. Can one of his friends or the police talk to his family and get your dog back ? I hope you have friends and family to help you through this emotionally. I found it helps to come here and talk about what I’m going through. People here know the pain of losing someone we loved so much, and are very supportive. Please take care of yourself, and come back and talk to us . Huge Hugs Our roommate is going to talk to them about our dog coming back home, but I’m not hopeful about it. I still don’t know if I will be able to take care of a dog and a cat by myself, all I know is I had told myself if something were to happen I would have to make it work and take care of him, and I told my boyfriend that too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rashell Posted January 8, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 8, 2021 8 hours ago, Rebootin said: @rkligerman - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You're in the right place. Please keep coming back. Was this a random robbery or was it drug related? Sounds like the police are assuming it was drug related because they told you to leave and taped up his room. If his autopsy drug screen comes back positive, they will close the case in a heartbeat. I really _do_ know about these things,.I was in the life for many years, then I cleaned up and ended up marrying a police lieutenant. The shitty news is because you weren't married, you will not see the autopsy report or know if the investigation is open or closed. If the police come to talk to you it will not be to update you on the investigation, it will be to find out what you know. So be careful. The good news is that you came to the right place. WE CARE! Get yourself safe. The streets are NOT safe. Can you go back home for a while? How bout a homeless shelter? Do NOT accept help from strangers and don't tell anyone what you're going through. There are a lot of players out there who will only want to take advantage of you. Find a food bank. A little food never hurts. Make an appointment to talk to your local unemployment office. These are the people to tell your story to. See what resources they have that will help you. Contact your local state mental health services. You probably qualify for free services. Social workers are good at finding housing and work. Psychologists are good for support and suggestions. If you have or had a religious preference, call the clergy and explain your situation. They can sometimes be a great help. I did that with the Catholic church and I'm not even Catholic. The priests knew it and were still very very comforting to me at the time. Please keep coming back. I would really like to get to know you. No, I'm not a player, I'm a 66 yo guy who just cares about you. It wasn’t random but it wasn’t drug related. He is a well known public figure where we live and many people were jealous. We knew that something like this happening was a possibility, which is why I know everything he wanted to be done if this were to happen. They taped up his room so that no one would take his things before his parents got there to claim them. We didn’t plan for if this were to happen while his parents were still his next of kin, or atleast I didn’t. I was expecting them to do a search of the house because it looks like it was drug related, but they didn’t. The police have came to talk many times, including an hour after it happened. Luckily I am very financially stable and don’t have to worry about those aspects. I had my own apartment that has basically sat empty for the last year, but I kept it because we didn’t want the pressure of not being able to go somewhere else if one of us needed space, and he wanted to make sure we had a safe place to go if something did happen. I didn’t technically live with him, but I spent every day and night there, and when he went out of town for work I stayed there with our dog as well. I’m already back at my “not finished setting up” apartment, my mom has been coming to check on me but it’s hard with covid and because she is older. I know it is very dangerous to go out right now, some people that barely knew him had a memorial service at the place he was killed and someone shot it up. No one fully understands why this is happening, he was never involved in any type of gang stuff, but the guys that murdered him were involved. We can’t even fully grieve him because it isn’t safe. I’ve just been sitting by myself in the apartment we set up together as a safe place for us, talking to the air as if it’s him. There’s so much happening I need to talk to him about and I really need him to answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 8, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 8, 2021 I am so sorry! This is all so horrible! Sudden death is tremendously hard to process, but murder adds a whole other level to it, and then to have his family doing these horrible things to you, it's just all too much! I want to tell you that you will get through this, it doesn't seem possible right now, but I've been on grief forums daily for 15 1/2 years and have heard others share their stories and you are not alone...it will take much much time though and no one can predict how long as it's different for all of us. We want to be here for you, we will listen and care even when no one else "gets it." Is his roommate having to leave? I am so sorry they took your dog! Are there any vet bills or anything linking you to him? This is so wrong on every level! I wish they'd consider the DOG'S best interest instead of their own horrible selves! The dog's best interest would be with people he knew, loved, interacted with daily! 3 hours ago, rkligerman said: people that barely knew him had a memorial service at the place he was killed You can do an informal memorial service with your family/friends & roommate later on. My family and I did one for my sister when she died, had a potluck at a park with her caregivers and us, she didn't have friends, she was quadriplegic and didn't get out except when we took her, once a month to give her something to look forward to, we came from all over the state to do so. She would have liked it. I am glad you have your mom, Covid has greatly affected everyone, esp. those losing someone this year. It complicates things worse than ever before, just when people need support! It's too soon for you to retain any of this but I hope you'll save it for later... I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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