I met a man today...

[foreverhis]

...who I think I helped a little.

Hi everyone.  Here's the story.

Three neighbors and I all need to have our driveway aprons filled and resealed.  I called a local contractor who had been recommended by a few people I know.  Turns out he literally lives just around the block from us.  When I spoke to him yesterday, he seemed a bit gruff and brusque, but that's fine.  I don't need (or even want) super chirpy people all the time anyway.

He came by this morning to give us a multi-house estimate.  He's about my age, early-mid 60s.  Of course, he was all masked up and so was I, as was one of the neighbors who happened to be out front.  So the contractor looked at all our asphalt aprons, explained what each needed (mine needs the most work, which I already knew) and quoted us a reasonable price.

Then the three of us stood (distanced, of course) talking about COVID, trying to travel when we can, the fact that almost everyone takes it seriously in our community, but the college kids in town are problematic, and just basically how we're surviving these challenging times.  He said that he is only working part time right now to explain that we might have to wait a bit, depending on the weather.  I should mention, if I haven't before, that we live in a fairly small community and people tend to talk to each other, even if they've never met before.

He looked up sadly and told us his wife of 32 years died 6 months ago.  She had been fighting cancer for years and was doing reasonably well, but had a new and severe problem with her leg.  Her doctors admitted her to the hospital, feeling is was necessary despite the COVID risk.  She was there for 3 weeks and did not get COVID.  But like so many patients for so many years, she developed nosocomial bacterial pneumonia.  The hospital thought it was under control and sent her home, but she grew weaker over several days and had to be readmitted.  A few days later, she died.

As he was relating this, all I could do was nod my head without saying a word.  Hospital, infection, chemo, cancer.  Check, check, check, and check.  Then he explained that he felt he needed to work partly because being physical helps him get through the day.  He's simply not able, emotionally and even a bit physically, to work a full schedule.  I nodded vigorously to that one. 

Our neighbor is also a friend and was good friends with John.  I could see him looking at me out of the corner of his eye, not sure what to say except, "I'm so sorry," which he did. When I spoke up, I said, "I'm so sorry.  I understand," and could see the contractor start to cringe.  When I continued with, "I lost my husband of 35 years 2 and 1/2 years ago," he seemed so relieved, in a way, and said he was sorry for me too.

After my friend excused himself to head back inside, the two of us grievers stood talking for quite a while.  Mostly, I just let him talk about what happened, his anger at the doctors and hospital, how much he misses her, how he's glad his adult son is staying with him, how some people have been wonderful, but some have not, and how awful it was not to be able to be with her all the time at the hospital.  That I was able to relate to nearly all of that was helpful, I think.  I mentioned that I've thought about how much more painful and stressful is must be now, not being able to be by their side.  He told me that one day after the doctors let him visit with her, they told him to go home and get some rest .  The minute he went to lie down, the phone rang and they told him to get back to the hospital immediately.  He described the terror and pain he felt the whole way there.  We talked some more about healthcare in general and what's wrong with it in the United States.

He said he's still just taking it one day at a time and trying to get through it as best he can.  I told him that I still do that because it makes the worst days more tolerable, knowing that tomorrow might be just a wee bit better, and that I've found trying to look far into the future too painful.  We talked about the ups and downs, how much we loathe the platitudes, and a number of things we talk about here.  He mentioned how he still spends most of his time at home as he's got no reserves and no patience for people who say or do stupid things.  He's trying not to get COVID partly for his two adult kids and partly because his wife would be annoyed if he did.

I said that obviously it's different for everyone, but time truly is helping soften my grief, though I know it will always be part of me now.  He nodded his head and said he'd figured out that he'd always hurt, but was thankful to know that our grief evolves as we learn to move forward.  I think it helped him to be able to talk to someone who really does get it, who really has "been there," and who would listen.

Then we talked about the practical stuff like scheduling the work.  Right before he left, I told him again how sorry I was for his loss.  And he did the same.

So that's what happened with me today.  I can't say for sure that I helped, but I think I did.

((HUGS)) to everyone.

 

[Missy1]

Such a great story, I bet it feels good to help someone get through this.

[Dawn Wms]

I relate to so much of what you and he feel:  anger at the healthcare system (turn 'em over 'get 'em out.'), not having the tolerance for people who stay stupid stuff (I forgive them, but try to avoid them), the painfulness of thinking about the future.  And relating to one another is pretty much all we've got.  If you haven't been through it, you can not understand it. That's why I avoid people.  Some of my friends and family are good at "companioning" me through my grief, but most are not.  That's why this forum to share with others who know what it is to lose your partner in life is valuable.  I am so sorry for all of you because I do know how bad it is.  

[Gail 8588]

Foreverhis,

I am sure you helped him. The fact that he stayed and shared so much with you confirms it. 

I remember being extremely grateful for small acts of kindness.  They can really mean so much when you are deep in grief. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

I think it meant so much to him to find a soul that understood and took the time to listen, there is forever a kinship of understanding when we've been through this, esp. those of us who truly loved our spouse and did not want to lose them.  Yes, believe it or not there are plenty who do NOT feel that way, all losses are not the same.  I think those who seek out a grief forum tend towards that, from what I've seen.  

Yesterday I had a friend FB msg me, spouting off how she will NEVER have another relationship again!  How lucky I was that all I have to worry about is Kodie!  I guess being closed in with her husband day/night is getting to her as they talk about on t.v. with COVID...hard for me to relate.  And no, Kodie is not all I have to worry about.  She has no clue what it'd be like if her husband were gone.  She just needs a break.  But us...we don't get a break.  This is our forever here.

[widower2]

That is a great story fh, thanks for sharing it. I hope some day I'm able to help someone in that way. I know my beloved would like that a lot; she was always thinking of others, even while she was fighting for her life. 

[jmmosley53]

Foreverhis,

Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that helping your neighborhood contractor deal with his loss, has helped you deal with your own loss.  Good luck with the driveway work.

[steveb]

Thank you so much for sharing. You made my day:)

[foreverhis]

On 1/6/2021 at 10:36 PM, widower2 said:

I know my beloved would like that a lot; she was always thinking of others, even while she was fighting for her life. 

Hi.  I wanted to revisit this just for a bit to say that my John was the same way.  A little story of just how much he thought of others.

One time when he was in the hospital about 3 months before he died, I had gone home for the night.  I spent as many nights as I could with him, but sometimes there wasn't a place for me and sometimes I just flat needed to try to sleep at home.  At night, the nurses would come in to check vitals, the monitors, and his IVs.  They try not to disturb the patients any more than necessary, so both the nurses and the CNAs use small flashlights when they can. 

I always made sure John had his favorite pillow, phone, tablet, sparkling water (homemade), and a small, really good LED flashlight.  When I got to the hospital the next morning, John asked me to get him a new flashlight.  I said of course I would, but looked at him with a question in my eyes.  He said, "Oh Eli's (his night nurse) flashlight was failing last night, so I gave him mine and told him to keep it because it's perfect for what he needs."  There he was, fighting cancer and an infection, in pain and distress, and really starting to realize things are dire, and still he was thinking of helping someone else.  I told him it was a lovely thing to do and I'd get him a new one right away.  Then I had to leave the room for a few minutes because I knew I was going to lose it and start crying again, wondering why such a good man, the kind of man our screwed up world needs in it, was being taken from us.

He had such a big heart and tried to make the lives of others better just by committing little acts of kindness every day. 

[Mark loves Sandra]

43 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

wondering why such a good man, the kind of man our screwed up world needs in it, was being taken from us

Foreverhis,

I imagine Sandra and John would have gotten along well.  Birds of a feather.  Sandra was an example for me.  She always wanted to help those less fortunate than her, even when she had very little (she had a very humble upbringing).  I can't count the number of times she made me pause at a stoplight so she could give a few spare dollars or Reis to a person down on their luck.  When I would sometimes protest, Sandra would give me "the look" and say "Everyone needs a little help sometimes."  Like John, a very giving soul.  So what happens, SHE gets removed and I'm stuck here, alone, without her twinkling light.  Yep, the world is a lesser place without John and Sandra.  And I'm sure most people on here feel that way about their love one.

Oh, btw, that was a really nice thing you did with the driveway contractor.  Indeed, only people who have been through this can offer real consolation.  And unfortunately, there's way too many of us that understand.

--Mark

[Sparky1]

37 minutes ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

So what happens, SHE gets removed and I'm stuck here, alone, without her twinkling light.

I used to tell my wife that when she smiled, her eyes and smile were more brighter than the sun. Lots of times I told her she was my sunshine. Like you Mark, all I have now is grey clouds and lots of (rain) tears coming out of them.

[widower2]

On 2/9/2021 at 5:04 PM, foreverhis said:

Hi.  I wanted to revisit this just for a bit to say that my John was the same way.  A little story of just how much he thought of others.

One time when he was in the hospital about 3 months before he died, I had gone home for the night.  I spent as many nights as I could with him, but sometimes there wasn't a place for me and sometimes I just flat needed to try to sleep at home.  At night, the nurses would come in to check vitals, the monitors, and his IVs.  They try not to disturb the patients any more than necessary, so both the nurses and the CNAs use small flashlights when they can. 

I always made sure John had his favorite pillow, phone, tablet, sparkling water (homemade), and a small, really good LED flashlight.  When I got to the hospital the next morning, John asked me to get him a new flashlight.  I said of course I would, but looked at him with a question in my eyes.  He said, "Oh Eli's (his night nurse) flashlight was failing last night, so I gave him mine and told him to keep it because it's perfect for what he needs."  There he was, fighting cancer and an infection, in pain and distress, and really starting to realize things are dire, and still he was thinking of helping someone else.  I told him it was a lovely thing to do and I'd get him a new one right away.  Then I had to leave the room for a few minutes because I knew I was going to lose it and start crying again, wondering why such a good man, the kind of man our screwed up world needs in it, was being taken from us.

He had such a big heart and tried to make the lives of others better just by committing little acts of kindness every day. 

That is another great (in its own way, I'm sure you know what I mean) story. 

It reminds me briefly of one of my beloved, actually related to me. When she was near the end and going in and out of hospice, my birthday came up. That day she realized it and looked upset..she said "I don't have a gift or a card for you, nothing." There she is fighting for her life going through a hell I can't begin to imagine and she's upset because she doesn't have a birthday card for me. Can you believe it? I assured her I didn't care and just get better. A day or two later she lapsed into a coma and four days after my birthday she was gone. I don't celebrate it any more (not that there's anyone who cares enough to want to anyway) and have told people don't bother sending me cards. I hate my birthday now. 

[steveb]

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

" There she is fighting for her life going through a hell I can't begin to imagine and she's upset because she doesn't have a birthday card for me. Can you believe it?

Widower2, she was obviously a beautiful and kind person. Thank you for sharing. Such examples of love renew my faith in humanity,