Members BBB Posted January 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 Some days I say, why me? I feel like I am strong in a lot of ways BUT I feel that I am emotionally weak. I feel like I can handle a lot of things and I have gone through a lot of things in my life. However, losing my spouse was always the one thing that I knew I could not handle very well. So I often say - why me? I'm not the kind of person that copes with this kind of loss very well. In my almost 60 years there have been plenty of peaks and valleys and plenty of lows and hard times but I always felt like losing my spouse early would wreck me. So why did this one very specific, worst case scenario have to happen? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 I have asked a million times, why am I here rather than John? It makes more sense to have me die and him live. He was so much better at everything than I am. He was so talented and smart. He brought people together and built them up. Helped so many people be better versions of themselves. I have sort of a deficient brain that makes it hard for me to function normally. I have "face blindness" in that I can't recognize people, even if I have known them for years. I don't understand humor most of the time. I suppose I am on that autism spectrum, but I am old so I was never diagnosed. John made everything okay for me. He would tell me the names of people as they approached, he'd explain jokes to me. He'd give me cues as to how to react to things. Without him it is extremely difficult for me to interact with people. In a way, covid has been helpful to me, in that when I am on zoom meetings, the person's name is on their box with their face. If I was meeting with them in real life, I'd have no idea what their name is. Why should he die and I get left behind? I really don't understand. I guess John will explain it to me when I see him again. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BBB Posted January 2, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said: I have asked a million times, why am I here rather than John? It makes more sense to have me die and him live. Yes, yes, yes, I've said this a million times. Made more sense for me to die than her. We all have our reasons of course but I've always felt that way. My wife would have handled my death 100x better than vice versa. My wife was the glue that held the family together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: Why should he die and I get left behind? I know my wife would have had a difficult time without me, since she had physical limitations. I just ask why we didn't go at the same time? I'm not getting any younger, so it will be a lot tougher for me in say 10 years to take care of myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted January 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 My situation is a little different; my question is why now and why this way? My husband had been in declining health (2 cardiac arrests and renal failure requiring dialysis), so we figured he would pass before me. But when he went into the hospital this past September for a blood clot, it was fully expected that he would recover and come home. We should have had at least a year or two to enjoy our retirement together. He just keep having one complication after another and after four weeks in the ICU, his heart gave out. But I still want to scream "why so soon and why from something he should have recovered from". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted January 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2021 I feel conflicted as in this is so painful, I would hate to know he is hurting like I am now. I would gladly carry all his pain and sadness. However being without him leaves me unable to live, I have nothing left here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2021 21 minutes ago, Missy1 said: I have nothing left here... Missy1, I have this thought every day. My wife was my strength, she was so outgoing and extroverted. I'm the opposite, she was truly my compliment. I feel so alone, so unsure of what my future brings. There are times when I can't believe that this happened to me. I realize that yes, it did happen and then the despair hits me. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and hope to wake up from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted January 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2021 @Sparky1 I agree, I often feel like none of this makes any sense, I am not okay about any of this, I keep thinking there must be something I can do. I want desperately to be with him, I know he feels the same way. I am that one fool who will never give up, I don’t care what the cost is. My life is nothing without him. I guess I am stubborn and I refuse to accept this and move on! I am hanging on till the day I die, he was my one and only and I will love only him for the rest of my life. I will have to pretend to be part of this world but my inside world will still revolve around him. We were bound by so much in our 30 years, no one would ever understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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