Lost and empty

[Lementarywatson]

My fiancé passed away less than 3 weeks ago and I don’t know how I am going to survive this. 

He was 34 years old. I’m 33. We had just gotten engaged (a week before his sudden death) We planned on going to get our rings the Saturday after he had passed. We were going to get married and buy a house this summer. Now it’s all gone. I lost my best friend. My soulmate. My everything. 
 

He was a type 1 diabetic in renal failure at the young age of 32. Life has given him so unfortunate cards health wise but we stayed positive. He was on dialysis 3 days a week for over 2 years before he got the call we had been waiting for. 
8 months ago he received a double organ transplant (kidney and pancreas)
Even in the middle of a global pandemic we knew this was his 2nd chance at a healthy life. Our new life. 

He was home from surgery after 3 weeks and we spent a wonderful 8 months quarantined together. I taught from home, learning all about his medications. He had blood work done weekly and phone/zoom class to make any changes or adjustments to the Meds. 
He was feeling better. We were so happy to start this new healthy chapter. 
 

In the beginning of Nov he started to not feel well. A day sick in bed and a high fever was all it took to end up back in the hospital. 
He somehow contracted pneumonia sand his body began to fight off the new organs that didn’t actually belong in his body. 
He spent 3 weeks at the Mayo Clinic trying to fight off rejection along with recovering from the pneumonia. 
The pancreas was saved but the kidney would not wake back up- he would have to begin dialysis again 3 days a week until a new kidney was found. 
Although Disappointment he was discharged from the hospital and we had a positive outlook on being halfway to a healthy life.

The day after he was discharged he woke up not feeling very well. He had been vomiting most of the day and I had called the hospital for suggestions. They filled a prescription for anti nausea meds. He was resting when I left to go pick them up. 
when I returned home (less than 30 min later) I found him dead in bed 

He had vomited while sleeping and chocked and died. 
I called 911 and performed cpr until the paramedics arrived but he was gone. 
my sweet dave gone. His beautiful blue eyes lay open with no light in them.

I don’t know how I am going to survive this. 
 

 

 

[SharedLife]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so tragic that he fought so hard, as did you. You must be grief-stricken. 

There is no salve or ointment that can be applied to your grieving heart to help reduce the grief and sense of loss you feel.  But you can take some steps to try to help reduce the pain you feel. You might read some of the posts here to, hopefully, understand that a loved one's sudden unexpected passing does cause pain and, hopefully, gain some insight into how to deal with it. 

I hope you'll participate (or at least read posts) here.  It helps you feel you're not alone in the mental and emotional struggle you face.

You might also consider seeing a bereavement counselor or look for a bereavement group in your area.  It can help to talk to others.

You may be suffering loss of sleep and loss of appetite. Please try to sleep (some have gotten meds from their doctor to help) and to provide nourishment to your body.

Everyone here is a traveler on the same road.  We share your pain.

[Gail 8588]

I am so sorry for you loss.  It is so unfair.  I hope you have some family or friends to lean on. 

You will not be your normal self for awhile. Your brain will struggle to make sense of what has happened. The structure that was in place regarding your future has been shattered and it will take some time to build a new structure. Be kind to yourself.  Be patient.  

So sorry you have joined us on this grief journey.

Gail

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  This is horrible!  To lose one's whole future, dreams, everything!  I am glad you found your way here, it does help to express yourself to those who understand and get it, a person cannot get what they have not experienced.  We all are at different stages of our lives and our details very but we know the heartbreak of losing our partner and all of our hopes & dreams, just gone in a moment.  He fought so hard to stay with you, to live.

My hope lies in our being together again, some don't believe that way so I'm glad I do, I need that.  Right now it's enough to remember to breathe, to take a sip of water, to eat something once in a while.  If you can't eat (understandable), drink a smoothie, sometimes easier.

Keep coming here, reading/posting, it helps.  I hope you have family/friends nearby.  Gail is right, this takes much time.  The best advice I got was to take one day at a time (in the beginning, an hour or even just a minute).  Also to look for good in the day, no matter how small, it changed my life for the better and really helped me when I looked for, embraced, and appreciated what bit of good there is.  Started practicing that on day eleven when I found this refrigerator magnet.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[kam47803]

I will be 65 in Feb.. I buried my Mom & fiance within 1 1/2 weeks of each other just this past Sept., it took me 60 years to find him & only 6 to loose him. He had been under the weather but said it was pneumonia. Went to doctor on the 1st and died on the 13th. They said he had stage 4 small cell carcinoma. I saw him on Friday when his son took him to doctor, died on Sunday, wasn't allowed to see him till funeral. My mom had dementia but fell in kitchen and busted a blood vessel in her brain, they could not do anything but keep her comfortable till she passed. Neither one suffered that much, which I am very thankful for. Only had a couple of friends that actually checked on me. One comes and gets me to go walking, my little savior. Why is it people always say there going to call or come by but never do? His kids have been really good about getting me thru Thanksgiving & Christmas. They have to go on with their life. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to do that. I talk to him daily, and today held his picture and we slow danced every slow song on Pandora today. Haven't found a local support group yet. I had already lost 2 of 3 of my children and the 3rd one lost a leg. I am thankful I receive disability cause I just don't think I could work. How to you find a local grief support class, to actually be with people?

 

[KayC]

Welcome here!  Many of them are held in churches because they can get free rent.  You could try hospice.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my sweet husband, also took me a life to find him, only got to know him 6 1/2 years!  So hard.  His death was sudden/unexpected, he'd just turned 51.  That was 15 1/2 years ago, I've been living alone since.  His kids live across the US from me.  It was a forum such as this that saved me, it had a grief counselor that was adm/mod and I've been collecting articles in the last six years or so.  I started a grief support group a few years ago but we're unable to meet during COVID.

My mom was also stage IV dementia (Lewy Bodies), I lost her 8/2014.  My sweet companion dog, Arlie died 8/2019 and 25 yo Kitty one year ago.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.