Lost my father 2 months ago - after him moving home after 5 years.

[Chaybee]

My parents divorced 6 years ago Just as I was about to give birth to my second son  and My dad moved 13 hours away a few months after and has lived there since. I talked to him almost everyday on messages or phone. As well as three different visits throughout the couple years. I knew he was struggling with the breakup and the loss of his mother ( 93) and older brother suddenly passed ( 70’s) as well while he was living there. I thought he was taking care of himself and he never told me anything was wrong with his health. I was already struggling with him not being here for my boys but I learned to deal. In the meantime my mother also found someone new to share her life with and moved 20 hours away from me to live her life. I got pregnant with my daughter in 2018 and gave birth to her in 2019 and my dad had told me he was going to come meet her, never showed & never talked about it with me. Then during the beginning of 2020 he decided he was going to move back home or so like he he said to me in the past he was going to. I didn’t believe him completely but asked him if he had a plan, getting everything together, finding a place then moving. He said that makes sense.. didn’t ask to stay with me but I didn’t think it would happen anyways. End of August rolls around and my dad shows up without telling us and doesn’t ask my husband if he can stay with us. He also isn’t really communicating his plans with us as he keeps saying he doesn’t know what they are. It ends up my husband confronted him about just showing up when our kids are about to go back to school and it’s Covid etc. He tells me if he knew my husband was going to become such a spoiled rich asshole he never would have let me stay with him ( back when I was 16 ) I stayed with him instead of moving with my parents at the time. 
it set me off and I didn’t like how he was acting & I told him he should stay somewhere else if he was going to act this way. Then my husband shouldn’t of acted out when he heard what my dad said & said mean things back to him over a message. 
We didn’t end up seeing eachother for a little over a month ( while my brother and him found an apartment for my dad & got him all set up ). I was trying to figure things out with my dad & apologize and feel the same back from him. But I didn’t think anything of his short messages or delayed responses, I just thought he was mad at me. For the way everything happened. 

a I made a plan to go see him and me and my brother hung out with my dad & I felt like things were okay between us. I told him I loved him before leaving his apartment & he said it back. I tried to see him a week later but he was busy buying a car, and trying to get insurance I guess. 
He was gone just under a week later. 7 weeks after he moved back. He was only 65 years old.  I never got a chance to see him again, I never knew he was sick. Finding out after he had passed he had high blood pressure, ( I’m assuming he didn’t treat it ) & they are saying he died of a perforated artery. My dad was a smoker for a long time & he always drank, I just thought he would have it all under control, he would have been taking care of his health for his kids and grandkids. He also had so many opportunities to move back home instead chose the life he was living over us. I’m devastated, still in shock, don’t want to let my dad go. I loved that man so much - words would never describe it. I was a daddy’s girl. I feel like my one mistake of not treating him right and just being a good human, this is what I get - it’s my punishment. I know my husband was just trying to stand up for himself and us, but he also pushed my dad away & even though we didn’t know he was sick I could have been better. Could have just treated him with respect even if he wasn’t giving it to me or my husband. 
 

I miss him SO much and I’m struggling trying to figure out my story without him. He was supposed to be apart of it. I’m so confused of how he just left me.. without any explanation, without asking for help.. or telling me he was dealing with stomach issues or feeling different so i could help him. I know I can’t control how others feel or deal with their own issues, It just feels like me, my brother & my kids just weren’t enough to take his health seriously.  
I feel numb and filled with so much sadness that I’ll never see my dad again. 

[Monty]

Chaybee, I am so sorry you are going through this. Try to hold memories in your heart of happier times with your Dad. I’m sure he knew you loved him very much.

Be kind to yourself. 

[Chaybee]

Thanks for reading my post, I know it was long. I truly am trying to think of all my good memories of 30 years with my dad. 
I just needed him here & being one of my favourite people it’s hard to just move on & get on with life without him. We loved eachother a lot, just hate to think his last few years might have been a struggle without my mom or making decisions to not be healthy for himself.