How do you channel your grief?

[Rocky5678]

Ive taken to screaming uncontrollably. this is a horrible coping mechanism and not sustainable or comforting. not to mention terrifies my dogs and cats. I will get counseling as soon as i can but in the mean time Im looking for suggestions on how to occupy my time. if I spend one more night clicking thru "the top 55 purchases you'll never regret on amazon" article til 6am I'm going to lose it. I can't make it to the gym. He was my gym buddy and my personal trainer. I went the other day but I'm not capable of making it my main outlet like I plan to soon. 

I don't game. I can't sleep. We used to cook. I don't have any books to read. I'm so miserable. 

[Sparky1]

I've also thought of screaming, but I have a semi-detached house and my neighbour would surely come knocking at the door wondering what happened. I do talk to myself a lot while crying, telling my wife how much I miss and love her. A lot of stretching out my arms and asking why did it happen to her so early and suddenly. A lot of sobbing in the shower in the morning gets me started on the grief that will come later. I never thought that this grief would be so unbearable at times. It's like you're helpless and can't control the deepness of it. It's overwhelming at times.

[Rocky5678]

"devastating" is an understatement when it takes over. I'll be fine and then completely overtaken. crying in the shower is a main. it feels like self preservation fails with grief. Like by default we should all be more functional with our grief as it's guaranteed at some point in life. Nobody's is the same, but it feels like theres a plug missing in how to function or react when the shock hits fresh. I don't even believe in evolution and feel like our development has failed amazingly. 

[Rocky5678]

Super related but completely coincidental someone just posted this on FB (not even for me. Just in general) 

 

https://happymag.tv/hotline-for-screaming/?fbclid=IwAR3g8MPgm7eZjifahFB8r7CCmwfuYDXuyJkZN5zan6cQQGsJtLTcx_ZeNPc

[Missy1]

For me. It’s different all the time. There were days I collapsed on the cold hard tile and cried till I was out of tears. There were days I screamed and raged, days I was so sick I threw up till I was empty. Other days I sat and stared at the sky for hours, numb and lost. Most days. It’s tears and walking around my property lost, sobbing. Every day the grief finds its own way out...

[Gail 8588]

For the first 6 months, I spent a considerable amount of time on the floor of our closet sobbing.  I would hold on to his jacket or a sweater, on the hard wood floor, in the dark sobbing until exhaustion let me sleep. I liked the darkness and the small space with his shoes and clothes all around me.  I just wanted to disappear in there.

After I sold the house, that refuge was no longer available to me. I became more of a zombie, feeling no joy or connectedness  with the world other than feeling afraid of every possible calamity that could befall me. I might have an accident or illness, be the victim of a crime, a flood, fire, or hurricane might take me.  My love was no longer here to protect and save me. All hope was lost. I lived in that zombie/dispair state for more than 2 years. 

I am not suggesting these were good coping mechanisms, they were just what I experienced. After 3 years of grief, I felt I had to change. I couldn't live this way any longer and I committed to finding a way to reconnect with life. Then the pandemic hit. 

But despite the challenges from covid,  I have made good progress. Searching for small joys each day, and recognizing them, expressing thanks for them, helps you to see good again.  Trying to do things, like my trying to learn the piano, makes you feel like there is a future.  Over the course of this 4th year, my fog has lifted.  I am part of the world again. I have rejoined the living.

I still have good days and bad days.  I still miss my husband all the time. But I also feel happy at times, excited about the future, alive. 

Give it time.  You will find your way.

Gail

[KayC]

In the early time grief upheaved my life  and took it over.  Now I've learned to coexist with it, it's always there, inside of me, has changed me completely, but I can have good moments with others, it seems fleeting but at least there.

[Meloncholy]

Ive taken to screaming uncontrollably. this is a horrible coping mechanism and not sustainable or comforting. not to mention terrifies my dogs and cats. I will get counseling as soon as i can but in the mean time Im looking for suggestions on how to occupy my time. if I spend one more night clicking thru "the top 55 purchases you'll never regret on amazon" article til 6am I'm going to lose it. I can't make it to the gym. He was my gym buddy and my personal trainer. I went the other day but I'm not capable of making it my main outlet like I plan to soon. 
I don't game. I can't sleep. We used to cook. I don't have any books to read. I'm so miserable. 

I scream in the car sometimes—-so strange because I was the one in the family with no temper[emoji22]


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[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, Meloncholy said:

I scream in the car sometimes—-so strange because I was the one in the family with no temper

I thought I was the only one. Yes, when I'm driving I let it out . I guess I feel isolated and people can't really see you or hear you.

[Yoli]

Car and house. I didn't know I could actually scream as I had never done it before.

[Meloncholy]

I thought I was the only one. Yes, when I'm driving I let it out . I guess I feel isolated and people can't really see you or hear you.

Precisely—-I scream and then when I calm down I talk to God or my husband or both....I feel like a complete looney tune but it helps!


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[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, Meloncholy said:

Precisely—-I scream and then when I calm down I talk to God or my husband or both....I feel like a complete looney tune but it helps!

I just keep crying why? why? God over and over, and I just keep saying, baby, I miss you, baby I love you, over and over. Don't worry about feeling crazy, to me it's normal and it helps me to get it out.

[widower2]

On 12/28/2020 at 6:03 PM, Rocky5678 said:

Ive taken to screaming uncontrollably. this is a horrible coping mechanism and not sustainable or comforting. not to mention terrifies my dogs and cats. I will get counseling as soon as i can but in the mean time Im looking for suggestions on how to occupy my time. if I spend one more night clicking thru "the top 55 purchases you'll never regret on amazon" article til 6am I'm going to lose it. I can't make it to the gym. He was my gym buddy and my personal trainer. I went the other day but I'm not capable of making it my main outlet like I plan to soon. 

I don't game. I can't sleep. We used to cook. I don't have any books to read. I'm so miserable. 

I'm not sure what you mean by "horrible." If you mean in terms of anguish, of course. If you mean "it's wrong I shouldn't do it," I say if it helps you release some of that anguish, it's anything but horrible.  Of course only you can decide that. I've done it more than a few times (I live alone, no neighbors to freak out!) and felt totally justified. I'm not saying I wanted to or planned to, but sometimes it just becomes too much and has to be let out somehow.  I won't say I suddenly felt "better" afterwards, but I still think it helped in some way. 

As for how to occupy your time, there are many things, but it depends on your situation, your interests (before at least...I realize little may interest you now) etc. Here's a quote from the web site I made afterwards for whatever it's worth about keeping busy. PS this does not include another idea I addressed separately: keep a journal. There's something about the "permanence" of writing things down that can help.

For starters, I suggest you get out!  Get with family, friends, whoever makes you feel better in general.  Of course if being alone helps (I have known people who preferred that, in general), do that too - whether it's reading, watching TV/movies, cruising the internet, whatever.  Just be careful about the dangers of becoming a "hermit" and letting the walls close in.

Even simple things can help.  Take walks.  A bike ride.  Take a drive.  Shop.  Work out.  Listen to music. Play music (as in instruments) maybe including lessons. Get back into your favorite hobbies, or try new ones.  Reach out to new social groups if your old ones change (meetup.com may help here; most areas have many such groups for all kinds of interests and ages) or church, or whatever works for you.  The important thing is to try, and to keep moving.  Even something as simple as yard work or house work, as mundane as it is, beats doing nothing.  Keeping busy is good as it focuses attention elsewhere and can help you get through the day - and again, this is often a day-at-a-time thing.  

 

[Rocky5678]

I feel a lot less crazy knowing I'm not the only one. Sparky1 I find myself screaming to the sky that he just has to come home. baby you need to come home it's ok but it's not funny anymore. I need you to come home. I can't do this without you. just over and over. our 4 dogs all fight over who gets to comfort me, which is really sweet, but so hard too because I don't want them suffering anymore than they already are. 

 

Widower2, I've been blogging it out. I'm more of a type rather than write person. It helps get things out of my head rather than circling forever. I hope someday I'll feel better. but right now I'm just miserable every day.

It took 45 minutes and 3 breakdowns at the grocery store I've shopped at for 6 years just to find eggs. I just can't function without him. He was my entire world. We were so bonded and connected. 

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

PS this does not include another idea I addressed separately: keep a journal. There's something about the "permanence" of writing things down that can help.

 

4 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I just keep crying why? why? God over and over, and I just keep saying, baby, I miss you, baby I love you, over and over. Don't worry about feeling crazy, to me it's normal and it helps me to get it out.

 

[Sparky1]

6 minutes ago, Rocky5678 said:

Sparky1 I find myself screaming to the sky that he just has to come home. baby you need to come home it's ok but it's not funny anymore. I need you to come home. I can't do this without you. just over and over.

I tell my wife over and over that I don't know how I can go on without her. That I don't know what to do without her. Going shopping at Walmart is painful, I just have to leave at times when I feel the memories coming back. The future is scary and uncertain, I feel like a lost child in the wilderness.

[Rocky5678]

5 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I tell my wife over and over that I don't know how I can go on without her. That I don't know what to do without her. Going shopping at Walmart is painful, I just have to leave at times when I feel the memories coming back. The future is scary and uncertain, I feel like a lost child in the wilderness.

I am terrified every day when I wake up. I had to cancel errands because I couldn't function. I'm starting to realize this is going to be a LONG process. I knew it would be. But the practicality of it is starting to become more real. It's still only been 3 1/2 weeks. 

[Sparky1]

Mine is just over 2 months, and it seemed like it was getting better. The last few days have been just like it was in the beginning. I guess that's why some say it comes in waves. Hopefully the crest of these waves start to get smaller.....

[SharedLife]

It's not "channeling", I guess, but I watch a lot of movies (Netflix)--as a way of trying to keep my mind occupied/diverted and I bought a Firestick (for the t.v., which offers a lot of viewing options). Then there's PBS Nova and Frontline. I also read a lot of news. Memeorandum is a website with a lot of links to news--mostly political. Also UPI, AP, and McClatchy. 

I maintain a list of things to do and force myself to work at completing items on the list.

I can't allow myself to dwell on what's missing in my life. When I feel up to it, I look through a photo album to revisit the past, but at present I can't do that very often.

[JohnS]

The "waves" thing has sure been real for me. My emotions go back and forth between almost okay and falling apart. And now if I'm feeling a little better, I start thinking, uh oh, I know what comes next - that return of sadness and grief bigtime. So it seems I am now either in grief or anticipating the next wave of grief. This is exhausting.

[Maria_PI]

I mostly spread the grief in time rather than channeling it, it seems. I don’t really plan to do that, it just happens - finding temporary diversions while at the same time maintaining everything around me as it was before he passed. I have no illusions that he will miraculously reappear somehow, but I find it calming to have his things all around me. His music studio is as he left it, even the score on the music stand open on the last piece he was practicing. The basses on their stands, I can’t bring myself to put them away. Only covered the amps and synths so they don’t gather dust inside. Waiting for a future date when I will have the courage to deal with them. Somehow postponing the pain in the hopes that it will not be as devastating and raw when it finally hits me. After all that was his life and putting them away would feel as him dying once again. Funny at first I had this anxiety and rush to deal with all this at once but since the pandemic times have stalled everything I let go and now it doesn’t seem as urgent, even gives me some comfort.


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[KayC]

In the early grief I remember driving out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs.  I'm sure I scared off many bears and cougar.  I didn't at home because I didn't want hauled off.  I sure did my fair share of crying!

I disagree that it's a horrible way of letting it out, it's better to let it out than to hold it in!  Our feelings are there inside of us regardless, better to let off some of the steam.  It's also good to take walks, run, whatever form of exercise we do, it helps us.

[LMR]

7 hours ago, JohnS said:

The "waves" thing has sure been real for me. My emotions go back and forth between almost okay and falling apart. And now if I'm feeling a little better, I start thinking, uh oh, I know what comes next - that return of sadness and grief bigtime. So it seems I am now either in grief or anticipating the next wave of grief. This is exhausting.

That is how it is with me too. I cry every day but some days I am able to shop or talk with friends as well.  I have learned that the crash always comes and usually worse than the one before. 

When I am with people it's like I have a split personality. I talk and smile, sometimes I even laugh but all the while I am thinking about my love. I am crying inside and "talking" to him and it is exhausting being two people at once.

[Gail 8588]

LMR, 

I felt like 2 separate people for 3 years. One person I showed to others. The other person was the devastated me. I really didn't want to be declared a danger to myself and so I didn't show how dark my grief was.  I just moved through life as a zombie. 

I am one person now.  I am glad to be back among the living.

Gail

 

[Missy1]

@Gail 8588 you are an inspiration to me and others, thank you for sharing so honestly. I can totally relate to so many of your posts. I draw strength from knowing that you made it through the darkest days and continue to find your way. 

[widower2]

23 hours ago, Rocky5678 said:

Widower2, I've been blogging it out. I'm more of a type rather than write person. It helps get things out of my head rather than circling forever.

Exactly, I meant "write" and "journal" in a general way; mine was all on the PC (I haven't written anything more than a check or a quick note on a greeting card in years!)

 

 

23 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I guess that's why some say it comes in waves. Hopefully the crest of these waves start to get smaller.....

Absolutely, on both counts. 

[widower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

In the early grief I remember driving out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs.  I'm sure I scared off many bears and cougar.  I didn't at home because I didn't want hauled off.  I sure did my fair share of crying!

Kay I think (I hope) you will take this in the spirit it's meant, but I had to laugh when you said you scared of bears and cougar  Our poor dog, I'm sure he thought I was losing my mind more than once (which it felt like I was). He just didn't understand what was going on.  But yes, you have to let it out!

[widower2]

8 hours ago, LMR said:

When I am with people it's like I have a split personality. I talk and smile, sometimes I even laugh but all the while I am thinking about my love. I am crying inside and "talking" to him and it is exhausting being two people at once.

I think most of us can relate. I always found it ironic, and frustrating, that at the time when you need to unload on people the most is when you feel you need to do it the least and play that stupid pretend game. I guess that's why even now when someone says how's it going I almost never say "fine" or "great," more like "OK" or "hanging in there." That doesn't mean I'm miserable....maybe it's more force of habit than anything.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

Our poor dog, I'm sure he thought I was losing my mind more than once (which it felt like I was). He just didn't understand what was going on. 

I have to laugh at this, not many laughs lately though. I have a small dog and she's old now so she does a lot of sleeping. Anyway, when I'm sobbing and moaning, she'll  wake up and look at me sort of puzzled and is probably thinking, what's wrong with this guy?

[KayC]

I understand Widower, I guess it would have been humerus to see.  Sometimes the pain is guttural, coming from deep within us!

[JohnS]

And me today, just when I think maybe it's getting a little bit less awful, I had to turn in my girlfriend's cable box and wifi box to the cable company, and I starting crying after I got back in my car. After returning a stupid cable box! Okay, Grief, I surrender. You got me.

[Diane R. E.]

I've had similar experiences since both my husband's name and my name were both on all our accounts. In each instance, I had to show the death certificate so the account could be transferred to my name. When I get back in my car, the grief washes over me. 

[KayC]

It's gut wrenching.  I wouldn't repeat that first year for anything in the world.  My heart goes out to each of you in your first year.

[Diane R. E.]

Getting back to the original topic of how we are channeling our grief, right after my husband passed away I created a photo video celebrating his life (it's too large to attach). I am not having a memorial until this April, so I created the video to distribute to family and friends. Even though losing him was so new, working on the video was comforting. Now, I have a project that I always planned on doing once I retired that was separate from my husband, so I have that to work on. It's hard to get motivated to work on it, but it's a goal at least. I also am creating another photo video to show at the memorial, which depicts his life in sequence. Working on it reminds me of all the good things in him and all the good times we spent together.

[widower2]

That's a good idea. For her service I put together a powerpoint slide show which I thought went well and I felt good about that...I found some albums that had pics of her going all the way back to being really little, but mostly it was her as an adult. I even included pics of her daughters, which given what disgusting people they were/are, was not easy, but I tried to put that aside (there were no pics of her ex; that was not intentional on my part but frankly I'm not upset it worked out that way...she just had no pics of them together anywhere that I found, not that I blame her).