Sudden death

[Brokin]

Hi,

I loss my soulmate my everything on 5dec 2020 suddenly to a heart attack at 50.

We just moved 3yrs ago to our dream house in the countryside now he is gone I'm so loss house so empty without him.

I can't beleive he is gone and won't be coming back just want to be with him don't think can do this without him we did everything together was my best friend .

Don't have freinds just family heart brokin.

[JohnS]

Brokin, the woman who was my significant other for 29 years died suddenly on 11/25 - burst blood vessel from heart. I never say I know exactly how someone feels, but for whatever little it may help, know that you have others traveling this terrible path of grief right now. And, yes, it sucks. Coming here has helped me realize that what I'm feeling isn't odd or crazy. So sorry for your loss. It can feel unbearable. I guess we just have to struggle along day to day. As a Willie Nelson song I recently found says, it's not something we get over; it's something we go through. Hang in there.

 

[Brokin]

Thank you John's for your reply will do just the pain unreal.

[SDC]

I'm so sorry you lost your love and that you lost him so suddenly. The trauma of sudden death adds another layer to the emotional onslaught of grief. I lost my spouse in April after he sustained brain damage in a fall---he was in an induced coma for 8 days before I removed him from life support. His accident was sudden, but every time a doctor told me he was brain damaged and not responding how they hoped I was able to process that he might die. I had more time than you did to process what was happening and still it was a shock. I can only imagine the intense shock of death from a heart attack.

Your grief is new and raw. I advise that you take your days hour by hour and don't expect more from yourself. You're in survival mode. Feel how you feel and let it out. The pain is overwhelming and consuming. Don't let other people's expectations concern you. Grief is a solo experience. Try to eat healthy, sleep and move a bit--even if it's just a short walk. Read posts here. Reading posts on this site help me not feel crazy. Grief feels close to madness (at least it does to me) and all reminders that how I feel is normal after loss at least assures me I'm not losing my mind. 

[Brokin]

Thank you SDC for your reply and do sorry for your loss to yes just taking baby steps all I can do as life without him at the moment is do psinfull.

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  I lost my husband unexpectedly, sudden death, barely 51...that was 15 1/2 years ago.  I felt as you, didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the rest of my life, in my family we live well into our 90s.  

We want to be here for you and I'm so glad you found this place and reached out.  All of our friends disappeared overnight so were no help, their abandonment made it all the worse.  This is a long journey but I know if I can do it, it can be done, he was my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend.  We were always together when not working.

The best piece of advice I got was to take a day at a time, I do that still.  Anything more invites anxiety/worry, which I am good at before all this, definitely don't need more of it now!  The other thing was learning to look for good (what I call my "small joys" now that my "big joy" George is gone) in each day, it can be in embracing the little things, a call from my sister, $ come in in the nick of time, a sttranger holding the door open, anything, I'll take it.  It's changed my life in so doing and helped me to live in the present and not miss any good, nothing too insignificant to count, I embrace it and appreciate it.  These are the things that I look forward to now, esp. my puppy.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

  

[Brokin]

Hi kay,

Can't thank you enough for your reply meant do much yo me and helped me alot thank.you for taking the time to reply with such information that helped me.

[Missy1]

2 hours ago, SDC said:

Grief feels close to madness

Yes, I feel this way often. The mental state of one in deep grief at least in looking at myself looks like madness. Fragmented and wounded, profoundly sad, reality seems unacceptable. In fact the question of how to tell normal grief from clinical depression is highly debated.

@Brokin after 11 months I still imagine our reunion if he came through the door, how happy I would feel, hugging him tightly and crying tears of joy. 
Our plans to grow old together gone forever, I will be alone and have to  weather what ever comes at me. We grew as one soul and I will continue to have a relationship with him by keeping his love in my heart and hold on to our bond.

I still have not been able to deal with his passing, emotions from anger, sorrow and guilt torment me, like many others here. No one can fully understand what your personal experiences were, it’s very complicated. We can only breathe in and out, try to get through today.  

[Yoli]

Brokin, I have never known grief like I have experienced since May 13th this year. The amount of different emotions that can be felt at one time is astonishing.

Like you my partner passed suddenly. Snatched from me one horrific morning. Also like you, she was/is my best friend. We did everything together and were happy being just the two of us.

This is a terrible, terrible journey. I wish there was a way over, under or around this grief but I am afraid there isn't. Let yourself feel what you feel and do things in your own time.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Missy1 said:

after 11 months I still imagine our reunion if he came through the door, how happy I would feel, hugging him tightly and crying tears of joy. 

I don't think I could ever let go of him!

[ledzepfan]

I just lost my boyfriend of 12 years on 11/27. Sudden heart attack.

It hurts so much. It's not getting easier.

[JohnS]

ledzepfan, I'm so sorry.

My girlfriend died on 11/25 of an aortic aneurysm. No warning, no nothing. Neighbor called me because my GF hadn't raised her blinds in the front, newspaper still outside, car was there and she wasn't answering phone at 1 pm. I drove to her apartment and I was the one that found her. Day before Thanksgiving. We always had our own places  - we were older when we met. 29 years as a couple.

Tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since she left us. It hasn't gotten any easier for me. The stuff I've read about grief in "waves" has been true. Yesterday wasn't too bad and I was busy with typical chores. But today - not so good. And it seems like it that's way most of the time. It's like my body and mind needs a break from the grief for a bit, and just as I think maybe it's getting better - boom! It comes roaring back. But 29 years being a big part of each other's life - it isn't going to mend, or whatever it's going to do, quickly. I just wish I could hit the fast forward button to whenever it's going to not hurt so much. But I can't.

I wish you some peace whenever you can find it.

[ledzepfan]

I know what you mean. Some days are better than others. Yesterday was a bad one.

i met him while I was going through a divorce and he literally and physically saved my life in an apartment fire.

We lived together for 11 years, didn't really think about marriage because we'd both gone through really bad divorces and had kids, and all the financial stuff that goes along with that.

But, we were "married" in my heart, way more than my "actual" marriage.

i was really lucky to find him, and I know I'll never find anyone like him again. He was truly my best friend, too. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, JohnS said:

Tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since she left us. It hasn't gotten any easier for me.

5 weeks is too soon to measure by...it took me years to process my grief.  Easier is a relative term.  It's never easy and we never stop missing/loving them.  But I've pretty much adjusted to life alone, even though I don't like it and it never would have been my preference.  I'm doing it and I think that says a lot....still doing one day at a time, that's all I can handle.  Seems all we can control is our outlook and oh God that takes time too!

2 hours ago, ledzepfan said:

I know what you mean. Some days are better than others. Yesterday was a bad one.

i met him while I was going through a divorce and he literally and physically saved my life in an apartment fire.

We lived together for 11 years, didn't really think about marriage because we'd both gone through really bad divorces and had kids, and all the financial stuff that goes along with that.

But, we were "married" in my heart, way more than my "actual" marriage.

i was really lucky to find him, and I know I'll never find anyone like him again. He was truly my best friend, too. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today. 

[ledzepfan]

Thank you so much.

It helps just to talk about it.❤️

[Diane R. E.]

Yes, it does help to talk about it on this forum. My husband passed away 12 weeks ago yesterday, and I have (mostly) learned to cope by coming to this forum. Yes, there are still times when the grief overtakes me, so I let it out. I wish the passing of time would go faster, but it does get less overwhelming in time. 

[ledzepfan]

Thank you for that.

It helps to know what I'm going through is normal.

[Meloncholy]

Yes, it does help to talk about it on this forum. My husband passed away 12 weeks ago yesterday, and I have (mostly) learned to cope by coming to this forum. Yes, there are still times when the grief overtakes me, so I let it out. I wish the passing of time would go faster, but it does get less overwhelming in time. 

It has been 21 long weeks since my husband died in a vehicle accident. Unfortunately I drive by the tree he hit every day—at least twice a day. I don’t want to look at it but I can’t help but gaze at the place he drew his last breath. I am in the midst of packing up and trying to move. I know the advice is wait a year-but due to many reasons I don’t have that luxury. I do find comfort with this group/a community that realizes what I am thinking before I do.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[JohnS]

Meloncholy, can't imagine what it must be like to have to drive by that tree all the time. Yeah, the advice seems to be to hold off on major life decisions for a year or so, but that's only a guideline. Only you can decide if circumstances require you to move now. Good luck, and I hope the change of locations will make your life a little easier.

 

[KayC]

I for one will be glad when you don't have to drive by there every day anymore.  They only say a year because of grief fog and our brains aren't at their best, but if one has financial reasons, etc. they know if it's best, besides, him having died nearby, that's rough.  That's not going to change so I totally get it.