Every day is harder.

[Rocky5678]

I don't even know what to write here. I feel more and more lost every day. I can't even figure out how to even being looking for comfort in anything. He was my comfort. He would be holding me and telling me it's going to be ok. Making me tea. rubbing my back. He's gone. I have no comfort. just pain. The house is lonelier by the minute. I miss him so much. 

I have this life that is completely changed. Not one aspect of my life is the same. I feel like a terrified child getting a crash course on life. only without anyone holding my hand. I don't feel emotionally safe. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I feel like I've been stripped of my confidence and strength. Everything is gone. 

Where do I begin to pick up the pieces? It's been 22 days. 22 days since I've been alive. Now I'm just here. Just passing thru. I feel like a ghost in my body. I want to fast forward to the end (I do not feel suicidal). 

I can't get counseling because of my insurance and I'm so broke from COVID laying me off since march. 

I felt like I had things under control and now I'm starting to panic. 

[GV1983]

On November 9th at 6:19 pm my husband of 39 years passed of pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed on September 3. I feel your pain, your loss, your anger, your fear... 

He was my rock.. my soul.. 

 

[KayC]

Rocky, Some counselors are income based, you might look for one.

@GV1983

  I am so sorry for your loss.  I despise cancer with every fiber of my being, I think we all feel that way.

I'm glad you found this place, please feel welcome here where others "get it" and hear you, it does help to express yourself and is part of the processing.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Missy1]

I will be at 11 months tomorrow and every day is still painful and empty. I can’t believe I made it this long, seems like every day since that horrible day is a blur filled with meaningless chores, waiting for my day to be done here. 

Much like you @Rocky5678 life has changed, we have changed. Trying to process what happened and how to find a way to put that in perspective so we can function is the challenge. I still can’t seem to  do it, I feel hopelessly in love with him and my heart and soul cry out for him. I know he is waiting for me somewhere, I feel his love and he is crying out  for me. We are separated only temporarily, I have dreamt of him, in this in between place, he is waiting for me, love transcends all...

Try to live in his honor and hold his love for you in your heart. True love is precious, rare beautiful and powerful.

 

 

[Gail 8588]

On 12/27/2020 at 10:45 PM, Rocky5678 said:

. . . I don't feel emotionally safe. I feel exposed and vulnerable. . . . 

. . .  I feel like a ghost in my body. 

I felt exactly like this. I felt I was losing my mind.  I think I did lose my mind, in that I was not able to reason through problems. 

Brain fog is a part of grief.  My brain completely shut down at times. That's why it is helpful to focus just on the "now" for a while.  What do I have to do right now?  Everything else can wait until later.  One moment at a time is all we can do sometimes. 

Just breathing can be challenging sometimes.   Don't expect much of yourself for now.  If you get dressed, eat a bit your doing pretty well. 

At one month your grief is raw and terrible.  It will become less all consuming, you just need to keep breathing and get through it.  Do what gives you comfort.

I wish I could share with you some way to make it less painful, but I don't think there is such a way. 

Come here and vent when you feel the need.  We understand, because our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail 

[KayC]

On 12/27/2020 at 7:45 PM, Rocky5678 said:

I can't get counseling because of my insurance

Look for counseling that is income based.  I had to do that for my daughter when I found out she was raped when she was four, my sisters and I split the cost.

[Jason B]

I am truly sorry for your loss. My fiance passed in march and i felt like everything was under control for a while and then bam everything hit and i still feel like ghost in my own skin like a piece of myself died with her and well maybe it did i dont quite know yet but i keep on pushing through and embracing the pain for her and for our daughter in the hopes that the pain and seething agony will eventually go away but its the damned hardest thing ive ever dealt with the broken heart feelings and physical pains are debilitating at times the emptiness is crippling but ive kind of learned to embrace it and have sort of realized that the more that it hurts just means the more that you loved and cared amd i hope my input helps you and hope your pain eases soon

[Elsa]

Rocky.. I know a very good reiki master, he is an American living in Thailand. Reiki is a form of energetic healing that you can do on yourself. Usually people charge for this but this man is such a good soul that he believes that reiki should be free for all. That we all have the power to self heal. I so strongly recommend him’ having met him in person when I went to Thailand. His videos are free on YouTube. I contacted him when I became a widow and he sent me this link, refusing payment.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3ycIDbwL_uakQKYHBBmQ5n_bJ31BIhlh

 

If nothing else, look up reiki and give yourself the gift of reiki. One of the most powerful things I have found to deal with grief so far for me is to teach yourself something new. Just for you. If you think you need counselling then this is a great place to start.

[KevinM]

I understand that feeling of being out of control and in a state of panic. I feel much the same at times even though it has been 14 months since my wife died. What I have learned is that control in grieving is an illusion. Some days you will feel in control and others you will feel like you are falling apart - and not always for reasons that you can understand. Some things that help you get by one day won't help on another. You aren't weak or crazy. This is just how it is to loose someone you love. Everyone is different, and each experience of loss is different, but this is harder than anyone that hasn't been through it can really understand. Harder than I expected, for sure. You aren't alone, though. On days when you have enough strength try some of the things people here suggest and see what helps. I find being outside and getting exercise usually helps. Accomplishing little projects around the house also helps give me a sense of control. Not always, but sometimes. Just be gentle with yourself and don't try to force it.

[KayC]

@KevinM  I am so sorry that you too are going through this.  It's been 15 1/2 years for me, and it was a forum similar to this that literally saved me.  I try to be here for others going through it like someone was here for me when I most needed it.

You are so right in the uniqueness of our journeys.  It helps to have others here that "get it" and understand at least some of what we experience, enough to know that we really aren't crazy.

I, too, find that getting out in nature helps, exercise can be cathartic.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.