Why can't I have any relief from this pain?

[Ted Wyberanec]

Its been almost 10 months since my wife passed.  Im still not coping well.  I probably need counseling.  Don't know where to start.

[LoveNeverDies]

Nobody can put a timeframe on grief. 10 months isn’t that long ago, it’s normal that you’re still grieving. But , counseling might helpful to you.I haven’t been to a counselor(yet) but I’ve heard others on here say that it helped them . Coming on here and just writing out what I’m going through has been helpful to me, people on here have been very supportive. 
 

[widower2]

5 hours ago, Ted Wyberanec said:

Its been almost 10 months since my wife passed.  Im still not coping well.  I probably need counseling.  Don't know where to start.

I think you answered your question, or at least a possible answer: counseling (therapy). Generally speaking, I suggest you not just go to some garden variety psychologist though, unless they specialize in grief (or they otherwise have a good recommendation etc, that's not some hard and fast rule, but IMO a good idea). And don't give up if the first one you try doesn't wow you; I had to go to several before I found a good one. Also consider group support sessions. It's not for everyone, but it may help to be around others who "get it" (and sometimes they are free...support groups set up by church groups, or charities, etc). In fact, check with your local and state govt, they might have 1-on-1 sessions either at reduced cost or free as well.

Kay will no doubt be along soon enough with a great list of ideas to consider, if you haven't seen it in another thread. I have a similar (but not nearly as extensive) list of ideas I talk to on a site I made here also FWIW (the ideas of things to do starts about 3/4 of the way down the page):  https://griefhelp.webs.com/grieving

I'm so sorry for your losses. Your pain should diminish over time; unfortunately it's very gradual. I hope this site can help somehow as well. 

 

[KayC]

Ted, I am so sorry that another person is going through this, it's the hardest thing I've been through by far and losing my dog felt like it all over again.  You've lost your son and your wife, I can't imagine...http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

I want to welcome you here, and yes I'd encourage grief counseling.  If you don't click with one, try another, not all are the same.  

Those triggers can be really hard when they hit, which is practically continual in the beginning, with time it's less and less, but this journey is a long one, so nothing quick or easy about it, I won't lie.  We'll continue to walk with you as you face this.

We can tell you what we've found helpful, but we all handle our grief in our own way, still it helps to read/post here, we get ideas, feedback, suggestions, and most of all, support and understanding from others who've been there, are there, and get it.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.