I last my dad two weeks ago and the grief is unbearable

[Diane b]

My dad passed away on 11th December. He was 85 and had many health problems. He was in hospital and ended up catching COVID 3 days before he passed away. I am really struggling and missing him so much . He was a very close part of our family and I saw him everyday . My mum passed away 14 years ago so he was on his own . He spent many times in hospital but always pulled through . I can’t begin to explain the grief I am feeling right now 

[Jim B]

So sorry, I too lost my dad on the 11th after a long bout of dementia. He was 97 and going down hill for a while so his death was not unexpected. As his caregiver it was still a shock. He had his difficult times but would always bounce back. Not this time. He's in a better place but I'm not. Have feelings of loss, loneliness & guilt daily. As they say 'this too shall pass' but I'm torn between wanting the grief to go away and loosing my feelings of love for him.

[Diane b]

Hi Jim I’m sorry for your loss. I understand when you say you are torn . I too want this grief to stop but also want it to stay as it means the love for my dad is still strong . The feeling is terrible . It comes over me snd I want to scream . Dad isn’t being buried until 15th Jan so I think about him bring out there somewhere 

[Cpowell]

Diane♡

I lost my dad on the 18th suddenly to covid and I dont know how to be ok. I spent everyday with him, and now, no calls asking where his cigarettes or glasses are, no accidental video messages. I can't go see him first thing in the morning,l to hear him say "hi my sweet potato, how good of you to come by!" Even though I came almost everyday. I feel empty. My phone doesn't ring. This sadness is incredible. How do we get through? It sounds like we all feel it.

[reader]

Dear all,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences. Losing a beloved parent leaves us all raw. All the feelings and thoughts are overwhelming. I found this article helped me.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/

I hope it will give you all a little comfort.

Sending my thoughts and prayers.

[Diane b]

Thank you all . I just swing from feeling ok then to this overwhelming grief . It’s just dreadful. I am also feeling my children’s grief as they are really upset at losing their grandad as he was such a big part of our lives x

[reader]

Dear Diane,

It's normal and natural to feel this way after losing a beloved parent. It's very hard.

Thinking of you and your family. Sending you strength, peace and comfort. With hugs, Reader

[Jenn1g4b]

Hi..I lost my dad on the 13th of December.  He was in the hospital with a bout of encephalopathy (brain confusion) due to his cirrhosis (also had liver cancer). He received radiation early in the year and it shrunk his tumors but progressed the cirrhosis.  After a week in the hospital at Thanksgiving they had no medical findings as to why the encephalopathy wasnt getting any better. We asked numerous times if it was coming to an end and was told no. We finally brought him home to more familiar surroundings and he was coming back to us and ended up worse 3 days later. Was took him back to the hospital and they told us his organs were failing and not much more they could do so i took him home December 8th on hospice care. It was a very hard 5 days but i tried to stay strong knowing these were his wishes. When it came time for his passing it took quite a long while and he became uncomfortable.  Hospice double his meds and told me the next couple doses would probably help him be comfortable to pass. I was in charge of his meds and giving him the next dose tore me apart knowing it could get to that point. For his last hour he gasped for air and was having a hard time letting go. I laid with him and just tried to comfort him the best to my abilities.  At his funeral service i had no emotion and the feeling it wasnt even him. My dad was only 64 and i was always a daddys girl. Im trying to come to terms with his death but am having a hard time. On one hand i feel like im not accepting the realization that he is gone even tho all i see in my head is his face and him struggling for air and taking his lasts breaths. I feel haunted by his passing. I did not go through these emotions when my mother passed. Her death was unexpected but i immediately accepted the fact she was gone and it almost killed me. I want to be able to grieve healthier. But i just cant come to terms with it..maybe because i know the disabling feeling that comes along with it. I just feel like im going crazy and need help. My condolences to you all as well. 

[BEQUET93]

55 minutes ago, Jenn1g4b said:

Hi..I lost my dad on the 13th of December.  He was in the hospital with a bout of encephalopathy (brain confusion) due to his cirrhosis (also had liver cancer). He received radiation early in the year and it shrunk his tumors but progressed the cirrhosis.  After a week in the hospital at Thanksgiving they had no medical findings as to why the encephalopathy wasnt getting any better. We asked numerous times if it was coming to an end and was told no. We finally brought him home to more familiar surroundings and he was coming back to us and ended up worse 3 days later. Was took him back to the hospital and they told us his organs were failing and not much more they could do so i took him home December 8th on hospice care. It was a very hard 5 days but i tried to stay strong knowing these were his wishes. When it came time for his passing it took quite a long while and he became uncomfortable.  Hospice double his meds and told me the next couple doses would probably help him be comfortable to pass. I was in charge of his meds and giving him the next dose tore me apart knowing it could get to that point. For his last hour he gasped for air and was having a hard time letting go. I laid with him and just tried to comfort him the best to my abilities.  At his funeral service i had no emotion and the feeling it wasnt even him. My dad was only 64 and i was always a daddys girl. Im trying to come to terms with his death but am having a hard time. On one hand i feel like im not accepting the realization that he is gone even tho all i see in my head is his face and him struggling for air and taking his lasts breaths. I feel haunted by his passing. I did not go through these emotions when my mother passed. Her death was unexpected but i immediately accepted the fact she was gone and it almost killed me. I want to be able to grieve healthier. But i just cant come to terms with it..maybe because i know the disabling feeling that comes along with it. I just feel like im going crazy and need help. My condolences to you all as well. 

It has only been a few weeks, since your father passed, and, as you said, you were a "daddy's girl", so it might take some time for you to come to terms with it, especially as you were witness to his final days. It leaves a person with a lot to process and work through. For me, it has been nearly two months and I still clearly remember so much of what she suffered during her illness and how quickly it took her. Just as I still have clear memories of my grandma's final weeks, the unpleasant memories will probably always be there, but time and effort will take much of the pain away.

I know how you feel about the meds. My mom's hospital bed was in the living room and I would sleep on the couch, with the med box on the floor, close at hand. When hospice care started, she requested that terminal sedation be started, when the end was near. 5 days before she passed, I was told to begin giving her Haldol and morphine. I still see it-her saying, "Help me wake up. Help me wake up." I wanted to help her wake up, but her organs were shutting down. I gave her the next dose, On Saturday, the nurse came and her meds were changed to morphine and lorazepam. I still wish that I had tried to wake her up and feel guilty, but I was trying to help her pass with a minimum of fear and pain, because I loved her and that is what she said she wanted. You gave the meds to your father, because you loved him. Being a caregiver is hard and you did an amazing job. 

[Jim B]

I can relate. I was full time caregiver for my dad with late stage dementia for several years. I watched him decline over the last 6 months. More trouble eating, standing, talking, staying awake. He would have periodic bouts of anxiety. Meds would help with the anxiety but would make him lethargic the next day. And would generally take another day before he was 'normal'. At the end he never recovered, just lay in bed on O2 with no mental comprehension. The son in me says he's better off now. The caregiver in me obsesses over where or not if I did things differently [more time with him, more forceful in drinking, less yelling] the outcome would be different. With dementia it's difficult to gauge mental activity without any external response. Overall he was better off at home and I don't regret being his caregiver.
 

[moonbumscorpio45]

I am sorry to hear of your father's death. My condolences to you and your family.

My father died on the 10th December 2020. This time of year is especially difficult for such a close loss. It is natural to feel the intense sadness and missing him.

There will be ups and downs. I have found old photos and happy memories to help a bit. Please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. You will find the strength.

[Jim B]

Thanks, dad died on the 11th. I'm an only child without a family so its just me against the world. Have friends, which help, but its not the same.  Pictures and the like don't help me much yet as they make me realize what was. Reminding myself he's better off helps as do these on-line chats. While there is no good time-your right the holidays suck. Give away his xmas presents to some needy folks which make me feel good. Keeping busy and sleeping well so I'll get through this.

[Diane b]

On 12/29/2020 at 4:51 AM, Jenn1g4b said:

Hi..I lost my dad on the 13th of December.  He was in the hospital with a bout of encephalopathy (brain confusion) due to his cirrhosis (also had liver cancer). He received radiation early in the year and it shrunk his tumors but progressed the cirrhosis.  After a week in the hospital at Thanksgiving they had no medical findings as to why the encephalopathy wasnt getting any better. We asked numerous times if it was coming to an end and was told no. We finally brought him home to more familiar surroundings and he was coming back to us and ended up worse 3 days later. Was took him back to the hospital and they told us his organs were failing and not much more they could do so i took him home December 8th on hospice care. It was a very hard 5 days but i tried to stay strong knowing these were his wishes. When it came time for his passing it took quite a long while and he became uncomfortable.  Hospice double his meds and told me the next couple doses would probably help him be comfortable to pass. I was in charge of his meds and giving him the next dose tore me apart knowing it could get to that point. For his last hour he gasped for air and was having a hard time letting go. I laid with him and just tried to comfort him the best to my abilities.  At his funeral service i had no emotion and the feeling it wasnt even him. My dad was only 64 and i was always a daddys girl. Im trying to come to terms with his death but am having a hard time. On one hand i feel like im not accepting the realization that he is gone even tho all i see in my head is his face and him struggling for air and taking his lasts breaths. I feel haunted by his passing. I did not go through these emotions when my mother passed. Her death was unexpected but i immediately accepted the fact she was gone and it almost killed me. I want to be able to grieve healthier. But i just cant come to terms with it..maybe because i know the disabling feeling that comes along with it. I just feel like im going crazy and need help. My condolences to you all as well. 

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure we will find a way through this . I miss my dad terribly. I went in to house yesterday and the silence was awful . I sobbed for ages but it somehow made me feel a bit better for a short while. Then it’s back to the awful grief . Cry, sob , shout or scream . Be kind to yourself xxx