Now I'm convinced no one else "gets it"

[JohnS]

My girlfriend died suddenly on Nov. 25th, and the hurt is just as deep as it was 4 weeks ago. I know they mean well, but when my brother and his family called me tonight and loudly declared when I answered the phone, "Merry Christmas!" on the worst Christmas Day I've ever had, I really wonder how clueless people are. My brother then asks, "I guess you're having a tough day?", I rudely answered, "You think?" I'm beginning to think that, other than my girlfriend's sister, the folks on this website are the ONLY people who have any idea what I am going through and how f'ing horrible Christmas Day has been. Apparently people who have not been through this terrible tragedy all must figure that one month is enough time to feel bad. Now it's time to buck up, cowboy. This entire holiday season has sucked big time, and I know that the new year is going to continue to suck. And what sucks worse is how clueless so many people are. Talk about feeling alone. Talk about feeling miserable. Anyway, after that phone call, all I could think to do was to express my feelings here. To my fellow grief travelers, I wish you all peace however you can find it.

[surfer]

I'm on my one year "journey". My husband "transferred to the eternity" unexpectedly on December 3, 2019. I'm still in disbelieve and rejection. It still hurts a lot, I still cry in the shower because I can't show my son how much do I suffer. But I can't compare my pain with the first days and weeks after December 3....It was a pure agony:(((  About a little bit more than one month after December 3, 2019,  my friend called me and spit it our very cheerful  "Happy New Year" (it was orthodox old style New Year, I have Russian-German origins)........ I know she meant well, I know she wanted to cheer me up BUT people DO NOT understand what we are going through if they didn't experience "this" trauma/grief/unbearable pain by themselves. The only friend who DID know what to say and how to support me was my childhood friend who lost her husband in her 40-th. She got married after 7 years but she said she thinks about her first husband every day and she said that time doesn't heal but we manage to live with it...

[widower2]

1 hour ago, JohnS said:

My girlfriend died suddenly on Nov. 25th, and the hurt is just as deep as it was 4 weeks ago. I know they mean well, but when my brother and his family called me tonight and loudly declared when I answered the phone, "Merry Christmas!" on the worst Christmas Day I've ever had, I really wonder how clueless people are. My brother then asks, "I guess you're having a tough day?", I rudely answered, "You think?" I'm beginning to think that, other than my girlfriend's sister, the folks on this website are the ONLY people who have any idea what I am going through and how f'ing horrible Christmas Day has been. Apparently people who have not been through this terrible tragedy all must figure that one month is enough time to feel bad. Now it's time to buck up, cowboy. This entire holiday season has sucked big time, and I know that the new year is going to continue to suck. And what sucks worse is how clueless so many people are. Talk about feeling alone. Talk about feeling miserable. Anyway, after that phone call, all I could think to do was to express my feelings here. To my fellow grief travelers, I wish you all peace however you can find it.

Please see my response here; the "TLDR" is try to keep people's good intent in mind vs the bumbling way it comes out.  Been there though. I'm so sorry. Yes really only someone who's been there "gets it." 

 

The silver lining, such as it is, is while I won't say it's ever easy, it does get easiER. So try to hold on. Better days are ahead. This damned thing just takes time. And yeah I know you don't want to hear that, I don't like saying it either. But you can do it. 

 

[jmmosley53]

I agree.  People who haven't lost the love of their life just don't get it.  I know I could never have imagined that a person could feel so much pain and loss.  I had no idea how hard it would be, to be, the one left behind.  I didn't know I could hurt so much.  People can't imagine it, they have no idea, so it is no wonder they say insensitive things.  I don't think there really is anything anyone could say to me that would be a comfort.  We walk this journey alone. 

[KayC]

My sister didn't usually say such things, but it was also clear by their responses that they did NOT "get it," after all, how could they?  They still had their husbands!  I did not get it either, before I experienced it myself.  (Starting a grief support years later felt good, being able to be there for others and help them process it....we had a deep bond.  Covid came along and destroyed that but it will be back someday).  It was quite a while before I ran across people who did get it, other than my forum, because most people our age were still alive and kicking!  

We get through this however we can, and it can change from time to time.  Whatever we can find that brings us any peace and comfort...

[Missy1]

They definitely don’t get it. Before I lost my husband I was certainly sympathetic towards those who lost their spouse. I remember thinking wow, how terribly sad, and thinking how glad I was to have my husband healthy and by my side.
One definitely cannot comprehend what it actually means, all the repercussions, every part of your life is affected. 

I remember the first night like it was yesterday, laying in our bed alone, sobbing and begging God that this was not real, make it go away, unable to grasp that he was not by my side. Not able to sleep or eat for days. I wondered, how do people survive this? Iin desperation I surfed on my tablet looking for answers and thank God I found this site! People who understand and I felt less alone.

 

[Yoli]

People certainly do not get it. Yesterday I saw someone for the first time since Indy passed. I have received no communication prior to this and she opened her mouth and said Hello Old Woman with a big stupid grin on her face. Really?!?!! That is the amount of compassion you can come up with?? I wanted to slap the smile off her face and into next week.

[Missy1]

17 minutes ago, Yoli said:

People certainly do not get it. Yesterday I saw someone for the first time since Indy passed. I have received no communication prior to this and she open her mouth and said Hello Old Woman with a bid stupid grin on her face. Really?!?!! That is the amount of compassion you can come up with?? I wanted to slap smile off her face and into next week.

WTF sorry to be so brash but I am so offended by how that woman greeted you! Toxic people, cut them out!

[Sparky1]

I would have told her where to go, with a few other nice words to embellish it. Some people truly don't understand and sarcastic remarks hurt, so they should get a taste of their own medicine back.

[foreverhis]

40 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

WTF sorry to be so brash but I am so offended by how that woman greeted you! Toxic people, cut them out!

I've got to admit those were pretty much the first words to come to mind for me as well. 

There seems to be no limit to how thoughtless and downright cruel  some people can be.

[AlwaysTogether]

People definitely don’t get it! I just try to don’t answer to lost of people.. “don’t worry, you are young” (the one I hate more), “this will pass, you will be okay, try to don’t think on that” “at least you weren’t marry and with kids” “we understand your pain BUT you need to move on” “and what happened? How he died?” “Oh well, life continues you will be ok with time” even my doctor don’t want to redirect to me to a psycology when I requested she told me “don’t worry, the pain is normal, go to the sea and speak with the sea” 
 

WTF is wrong with this world?

[KayC]

Yeah, they can definitely come up with new ways to be insensitive and idiotic!

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, AlwaysTogether said:

People definitely don’t get it! I just try to don’t answer to lost of people.. “don’t worry, you are young” (the one I hate more), “this will pass, you will be okay, try to don’t think on that” “at least you weren’t marry and with kids” “we understand your pain BUT you need to move on” “and what happened? How he died?” “Oh well, life continues you will be ok with time” even my doctor don’t want to redirect to me to a psycology when I requested she told me “don’t worry, the pain is normal, go to the sea and speak with the sea” 
 

WTF is wrong with this world?

I am so sorry you have been dealing with every single damn cliche imaginable.  None of those are appropriate, not one.  And even though I get that our society sucks at acknowledging death, much less admitting the depth of pain this specific loss creates, it's cruel and thoughtless to revert to those kinds of statements.  No one can understand until and unless it happens to them.  I've been very lucky that the people in my life realize that and have been so supportive.  Of course, at 62 I'm not young, so I wasn't going to get that particular one anyway.

I think "At least you weren't married with kids" is one of the worst for young people like you.  I think I might feel like, "Seriously?  Do you realize how much I wish we had been married and had children?  Are you that stupid?"  Little p.s. for you:  You may not have been legally married, but a marriage of the hearts, minds, and souls is every bit as valid, IMO, and I think every member here will agree with me.

My heart hurts for you.  Please keep coming here to talk to people who do get it and who are here to listen, to comfort as we can, and to give advice when asked.  We will not tell you what you should think, feel, or do.  Your grief journey will be yours, but when you are here, you will not walk that painful road alone.

((HUGS))

[jmmosley53]

I do have to admit that - there is nothing that anyone could say that would make me feel better.  No sympathy makes me upset.  Too much sympathy makes me upset.  Absentee makes me upset.  Seems I am bound and determined to be upset.  I guess that only leaves people to offer the slight head tilt and softly spoken Hi Jean....I miss Rick too.  Then we can sob together for awhile before moving on to other conversation.

[Meloncholy]

My girlfriend died suddenly on Nov. 25th, and the hurt is just as deep as it was 4 weeks ago. I know they mean well, but when my brother and his family called me tonight and loudly declared when I answered the phone, "Merry Christmas!" on the worst Christmas Day I've ever had, I really wonder how clueless people are. My brother then asks, "I guess you're having a tough day?", I rudely answered, "You think?" I'm beginning to think that, other than my girlfriend's sister, the folks on this website are the ONLY people who have any idea what I am going through and how f'ing horrible Christmas Day has been. Apparently people who have not been through this terrible tragedy all must figure that one month is enough time to feel bad. Now it's time to buck up, cowboy. This entire holiday season has sucked big time, and I know that the new year is going to continue to suck. And what sucks worse is how clueless so many people are. Talk about feeling alone. Talk about feeling miserable. Anyway, after that phone call, all I could think to do was to express my feelings here. To my fellow grief travelers, I wish you all peace however you can find it.

Yes I got texts from family wishing me Merry Christmas...when I responded it has been really tough...nothing...I feel how lonely you are. If you haven’t been there you have no clue:(


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

19 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I guess that only leaves people to offer the slight head tilt and softly spoken Hi Jean....I miss Rick too.  Then we can sob together for awhile before moving on to other conversation.

Because they ACKNOWLEDGE your loss rather than invalidating it.  No amount of "positive thinking" or cliches will help.  This is real, it is damned hard, and it takes a LONG time to process this!  We don't need someone's dismissiveness.

17 hours ago, Meloncholy said:

I got texts from family wishing me Merry Christmas...when I responded it has been really tough...nothing.

How much better it would have been if they'd said, I know this is a hard Christmas for you, and listened to you, been there for you.

[JohnS]

KayC, it's not always easy to find people who will listen. I've had people tell me to call them if I need to talk. But mostly they want to do the talking, and I'm the one who ends up listening. That's part of the reason grieving people may seek out a therapist or grief counselor - may be the only one to find someone who will really listen.

[Art Thebes]

On 12/25/2020 at 5:36 PM, JohnS said:

"Merry Christmas!" on the worst Christmas Day I've ever had, I really wonder how clueless people are. My brother then asks, "I guess you're having a tough day?", I rudely answered, "You think?"

Hugs. And more hugs. 
 

No one understands loss, until it’s irrevocably lost. It’s not fair that you have to be the bigger person and not play the game of “who’s had a s#ittier day”, when sadly, you win - hands down. It’s the worst game in the world, and all you win is the life being sucked out of the pain in the pit of your stomach... and why would you want to keep that pain? Because it’s better than the numbness of not having even that, after a while...

i won’t off any platitudes or suggestions or ideas; just a simple nod, this post, a hug, and if you ever need another hug, or silence... or whatever... you are not alone here. 
we've got you. 

[Gail 8588]

Art,

Glad to hear from you. 

Hugs back at you. 

Gail 

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, Art Thebes said:

the life being sucked out of the pain in the pit of your stomach

That's the description you nailed on the head. And when the life is sucked out, there's a big emptiness that those that haven't lost their partner don't understand. I told my sister in law that it's like being in the Atlantic ocean with only a lifejacket on.

[Elsa]

You are right. Immediately when I lost my fiancé to a stroke just a month ago, I thought “wow there are actually two types of people in the world... those who have been through this and those who haven’t”. Any Happy anything feels rude and insensitive. The pictures of couples and families on social media feel like assaults. And my own family, though wonderful at the beginning, I can see is starting to get antsy about my inability to bounce back in the timelines they would hope for. But of course... they have never lost a partner. We have to excuse their ineptitudes. Their time will come too and they will understand. In fact I reached out to a friend I had fallen out with and apologised that I wasn’t there when she lost her father - because I finally got it. She was surprised and thank me. It s a terrible club but an inevitable one we will all join. I posted once on here 3 days after his death then haven’t found the strength to come back but I really need support that I’m not finding out there in my broken world.

[JohnS]

Even with a few people who care and continue to check in with me, this is a solitary journey, and only others, such as the "members" on this website who've been through this, really understand. And perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but I feel like people who check in mostly want to hear that I'm doing better. Maybe I'm functioning a little better (the entire so-called holiday season is a blur and a fog now) and I'm trying to re-start a few activities (resuming my volunteer work in a couple of weeks and hoping I can push myself to resume my music lessons this coming week). So much regular social stuff has been shut down since COVID and the infection rate here is almost 10% again. And I need, to the extent possible, to reclaim something to get my rear end off the couch and focus, at least briefly, on the outside world. Because I know Grief is my new unwanted companion and will be with me for a long while, like it or not. This sucks.

 

[Elsa]

God how I relate to that.. I keep getting text messages from well-meaning people asking me “are you feeling a tiny bit better? Is the pain/fog starting to lift? I hope you are managing to have a few smiles over the holiday season”... I want to scream. A simple “I’m thinking of you” would do. It’s not their fault. I think it’s human nature to want to bestow happiness back into us. They do mean well. The reality is I’m not Ok I’m still trying to find the will to live. COVID is not helping because that new life is impossible to define. 
Be kind to yourself. Grieving during COVID is truly saved for the bravest of souls.  My partner was an indirect victim of COVID. He had a long overdue appointment with a blood pressure specialist that he kept putting off because - stupidly - he was at high risk of COVID, having... high blood pressure (!) and asthma. A stroke got him in the end and my guilt of not pressing the issue resonates daily. Today we all here are indirect victims of COVID, denied the right to grieve “normally”. It’s so difficult to pick up the pieces of a broken life when the world out there is also broken. All we can do is be kind to each other but most of all ourselves. Sending you much love.

[foreverhis]

On 12/31/2020 at 11:21 AM, jmmosley53 said:

I guess that only leaves people to offer the slight head tilt and softly spoken Hi Jean....I miss Rick too.  Then we can sob together for awhile before moving on to other conversation.

For me the "I miss John too" comment from many people is actually a trigger.  There are close family and friends who I've talked with about how we both miss him, but they have added what I feel is necessary (for me at least) "but not like you are/do."  That small acknowledgment that my missing and their missing are not on the same level makes the statement acceptable to me.  I know they are missing him deeply and I would never minimize or discount their loss, but I am selfish enough to need the reassurance that they understand they can't "get" what it's like for me.

I realize that I'm overly sensitive to specific things, so I'm sure it's not the same for others.  I've always had a hard time crying in front of others, though I'm a waterfall when by myself, so that's a bit awkward too.  I know that some people have been surprised that I don't break down sobbing in front of or with them.  And it's not even the "put on the brave face" thing.  It's that I am so very private with the extreme depths of my emotions that it's uncomfortable for me.

[KayC]

On 1/1/2021 at 7:29 AM, JohnS said:

KayC, it's not always easy to find people who will listen. I've had people tell me to call them if I need to talk.

Those same people never were available to talk to.  I was on my own when he died, each and every one of our friends disappeared overnight!  I was stunned, double whammy.

You've got that right!  If someone is lucky enough to have their friends stay with them, they are blessed indeed.  I had to start from scratch, no easy task when you're bereft and devastated.  This year would be very hard with social gatherings canceled.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I realize that I'm overly sensitive to specific things, so I'm sure it's not the same for others. 

I think grievers in general can be overly sensitive...we have a lot to be sensitive about!  It hits us differently so what comforts one person, assails another.

[foreverhis]

11 minutes ago, KayC said:

If someone is lucky enough to have their friends stay with them, they are blessed indeed. 

I have been incredibly lucky that way.  Our long-time, small, loving circle has been there for us and then for me.  None of them live close by, with the nearest being 2 hours away up the coast, but they've visited when possible, keep in touch by text, email, phone, and sometimes just a little card by snail mail, and I know if I called any of them at 2 am and said, "I need you here," they'd be here.

But I have also been graced with a newer small circle of neighbor friends.  We were just getting to know them as friends when he was diagnosed.  Several stepped up while he was fighting his cancer by making food or taking care of the mail or just checking in.  After John died, they really stepped up as support, help, and comfort.

There are days I don't feel like I deserve any of it because I'm so great at finding fault about myself.  But I am very thankful they are here.

[widower2]

On 12/29/2020 at 3:15 AM, AlwaysTogether said:

 my doctor don’t want to redirect to me to a psycology when I requested she told me “don’t worry, the pain is normal, go to the sea and speak with the sea” 

What the ####?  "Speak with the sea?"  What the hell does that even mean?  I think my response would have been "you realize I lost a person, not an octopus, right Einstein?"  Or better yet "hey great idea! How about we go together and I can introduce YOU to the sea. Like way far out past the shore. Then you can 'speak to the sea.' "

This is why I never advocate talking to your GP about emotional issues.  It's like asking an electrician a plumbing question. 

 

[Sparky1]

26 minutes ago, widower2 said:

It's like asking an electrician a plumbing question.

Some electricians ( Sparky) know a little bit about plumbing. Speaking to the sea won't help because the sea doesn't hear.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

This is why I never advocate talking to your GP about emotional issues. 

We have a very good GP who has been our doctor for 20 years.  Pretty much the first thing he asks me at every appointment now is about my mental health and where I am on my grief journey (he doesn't use those words, but close enough).  Yet he knows perfectly well that he doesn't have the expertise to be a therapist.  He has asked if I want a referral to a grief counselor and reminded me that hospice offers group counseling.  I reminded him that I'm not comfortable with in person group settings and he knows that I'm generally a private person.

I've found for the most part that GPs either know that they don't know everything or they're of the mind that they know it all.  I cannot imagine our doctor saying I should "go to the sea" and "talk to the sea."  And we actually live near the ocean!  There's no way he'd do the platitude of telling me my pain is "normal" and "will pass."  He knows better than that.  However, he has recommended that I find places where I feel any little bit of peace, including by the water which he knows John and I love, and either simply let my mind wander or talk to my love for my own benefit.  I have no idea if he has spiritual and religious beliefs, but he does believe that it's important to look for things that help us grieve.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, widower2 said:

This is why I never advocate talking to your GP about emotional issues.  It's like asking an electrician a plumbing question.

Doctors are not trained in grief.  However, their referrals are often needed for insurance to pay!  And they can provide sleep or anxiety aides.  If you have a doctor that is uncooperative or non-understanding, I'd see a different PCP. 

[foreverhis]

Kay, that's excellent advice to find a different PCP/GP.  My HMO requires a referral for any kind of counseling, so I know I would have to get that first.  Fortunately, our doctor has no problem with that.

You and others have also mentioned that if the first grief counselor isn't a good "fit," then try a second or even a third because it's so important to find the right therapist for each of us.  In my 20s, I saw a psychiatrist for a bit to help me through some issues with my parents.  I felt like the first one wasn't helping me, but had no frame of reference.  I asked my husband to come to one of my appointments.  When we left, he told me it wasn't me, it was the doctor.  I got a referral to the first one's partner and it was much better.  Honestly, it wasn't great, but it was helpful for what I needed at the time.  For grief, I'd be a whole lot pickier than I was then.

 

[KayC]

My first one was HORRID!  I totally recommend trying another if that's the case.  Not everyone that hangs a shingle on the wall is truly versed in grief.  Ask around, check qualifications, ask them what, if any, experience with grief they have.  Don't worry about offending them, this is important and you or your ins. is paying for it so you have that right.

[widower2]

On 1/4/2021 at 11:10 AM, KayC said:

Doctors are not trained in grief.  However, their referrals are often needed for insurance to pay!  And they can provide sleep or anxiety aides.  If you have a doctor that is uncooperative or non-understanding, I'd see a different PCP. 

Wow, I've never needed a referral to have insurance cover; I guess I've been lucky there. 

All I didn't mean to say that all GPs never know anything about emotional issues or have anything worthwhile to offer. Just that people often have this tendency to think doctors know and are experts on everything...they aren't, to put it kindly. Offering referrals is one thing; pretending they have expertise as psychologists or grief therapists is something altogether different. My doctor is very nice and as far as I can tell very sharp and generally (knock on wood) found her to be a very good doctor. But I have never considered mentioning any of this to her. She knows nothing about my past. 

 

[KayC]

Doctors are NOT trained on that or grief!  A good doctor will know when to refer.  George's doctor should have referred him to a cardiologist but I guess his ego prevented referrals, George died as a result.

I have Healthnet Advantage (Medicare alternative) and it is an HMO so requires you to get doctor's referral, prior authorization, and be in network or it costs way more if at all.  I got it originally because it covered diabetic stuff but they have limited me to one test strip/day which is grossly insufficient for someone managing their blood sugar through diet, and now I don't need the medicines so it makes me wonder if I wouldn't be better off with straight Medicare, I can't afford supplemental but maybe someday when I can get through the home repairs...

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

All I didn't mean to say that all GPs never know anything about emotional issues or have anything worthwhile to offer. Just that people often have this tendency to think doctors know and are experts on everything...they aren't, to put it kindly.

I didn't think you did mean that.  Sorry if my post made it seem that way.  I just intended to relate my own experience.  On the flip side, after my dad died, my mom's internist pretended, "I am the doctor; I know everything about everything" and basically gave her platitudes and a prescription for anti-anxiety meds.  She was really peeved about that, so we helped her find a new GP.  It took three tries before we found one who clicked for her.  I should note that my mother was quite...challenging...so we weren't surprised.

You're right that people tend to look at doctors and think, "He/She is a doctor and must know all about everything."  It doesn't help that some GPs and even specialist act like they do. 

[widower2]

No worries, I was just clarifying. Oh you so don't wanna get me started on arrogance/incompetence of doctors...including (in fact especially, I think) specialists. We went to some of the most highly-regarded cancer institutions in the world. In the end they all sucked. Badly. Maybe we just had extraordinarily bad luck with doctors but it was shocking. I know there are good doctors out there, but the percentages do not seem good to me... 

[Sparky1]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

I know there are good doctors out there, but the percentages do not seem good to me..

A good doctor is someone that cares and became a doctor to help people . Unfortunately there aren't too many like that and I know from experience. What's the main reason parents push their kids to become doctors?

[KayC]

Widower, I so agree with what you wrote!  I had a great doctor but he was NOT the same with George, it stunned me and I encouraged him to seek another, he didn't.  I wish I'd insisted stronger but he was a grown man and I'm not a nagger. 

I doubt parents have altruistic motives in pushing their kids  to become doctors.

[widower2]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Widower, I so agree with what you wrote!  I had a great doctor but he was NOT the same with George, it stunned me and I encouraged him to seek another, he didn't.  I wish I'd insisted stronger but he was a grown man and I'm not a nagger. 

Oh does this sound familiar. Her oncologist was a TOTAL POS (I'm being kind) and treated her like dirt but she wouldn't dump him (even after we learned that people switch doctors often and it's no big deal); she was very sensitive about such things so I didn't push the issue but maybe I should have. In one visit in particular - I won't elaborate on the details, but again if it wasn't for how I knew it would upset her, I would have ripped him a new one. She did (finally) dump him, but it was nearer the end and I will never feel the tiniest shame for my hatred of that ahole; if God wants to punish me for that, so be it. Actually I'm almost as mad at myself for not writing a nasty letter to the AMA or whoever, but whenever I thought of it, the whole topic was so painful I just couldn't. Ditto the doctor who was her doctor when she was in hospice. I just hope I get a shot at him when we meet in Hell. 

 

[foreverhis]

On 1/7/2021 at 10:01 PM, widower2 said:

Oh you so don't wanna get me started on arrogance/incompetence of doctors...including (in fact especially, I think) specialists. We went to some of the most highly-regarded cancer institutions in the world. In the end they all sucked.

I'll try not to get you started because that would get me started.  We had one excellent specialist at Stanford.  One of the best in the United States and well regarded internationally.  She was wonderful and John really clicked with her right away.  She came up with a "plan of attack" and got things going on her end rapidly.  She even called the oncologist down here who she knows and coordinates with for patients who can't exactly commute to Stanford for chemo cycles.  She gave us hope and I won't ever discount that as part of the way she treated us.  She was thorough and professional, but also very caring.  She listened to his concerns, including what life would be like after surgery, and reassured him/us.  She answered every question he had--and he had many of them.  She went through all the options and gave us "homework" so he could make an informed choice.  She treated him like a person who mattered.

If only (if only, if only), his specialists here had taken his change in symptoms more seriously sooner, I had pushed him and them harder, we had been more insistent on scheduling preliminary things here, and on and on.  The bottom line is that by the time we got to Stanford, his aggressive cancer was fairly advanced.  Chemo seemed successful and his pre-surgery surgery went very well, but then the cancer spread and there was nothing left to do.  He kept fighting for me and our girls for longer than I should have pushed him because he wanted so much to recover and be with us longer.  And the more I thought about how so many little things and delays contributed to his death, the angrier I got at everyone and everything.  I will never forgive his local specialist, never.

Oops, I got myself started a little.  I'll just close with something I rarely say:  I think I know how you feel (at least a little).

 

[widower2]

On 1/9/2021 at 1:53 AM, foreverhis said:

I'll try not to get you started because that would get me started.  We had one excellent specialist at Stanford.  One of the best in the United States and well regarded internationally.  She was wonderful and John really clicked with her right away.  She came up with a "plan of attack" and got things going on her end rapidly.  She even called the oncologist down here who she knows and coordinates with for patients who can't exactly commute to Stanford for chemo cycles.  She gave us hope and I won't ever discount that as part of the way she treated us.  She was thorough and professional, but also very caring.  She listened to his concerns, including what life would be like after surgery, and reassured him/us.  She answered every question he had--and he had many of them.  She went through all the options and gave us "homework" so he could make an informed choice.  She treated him like a person who mattered.

i.e. she acted like all doctors are SUPPOSED to act. I'm glad that you at least had that much.

Yes probably best to resist the soapbox, but thanks.