Feel this way?

[BBB]

We're all in the same or at least similar boats here. That's why I enjoy reading and posting. Everyone else can only view from the outside in. I have a question for the group. Now this is the way I feel, just curious if there are others who feel this way. People around me are waiting for me to accept my wife's death. Waiting for me to 'get on' with my life. It's going to be a while, if I ever get there. When I think about the moving on part, not only am I not ready but to be honest, there is a part of me that doesn't want to. There is a part of me that feels like - if I accept her death or if I move on then somehow I am disrespecting her and our relationship/our marriage. Weird? Or do others feel that way?
 

[Diane R. E.]

Oh, I definitely feel that way! I will never "accept" my husband's death. I mean, I know the reality is that he's no longer physically in this world, but that doesn't mean we accept it as it will never be ok. I don't accept the term "moving on" either. In time I will move forward, but my husband will always be at my side.

[SharedLife]

3 hours ago, BBB said:

There is a part of me that feels like - if I accept her death or if I move on then somehow I am disrespecting her and our relationship/our marriage. Weird? Or do others feel that way?

I feel this way -- probably because we functioned as one for so long. Now part of me is missing and always will be. "Moving on" would mean abandoning the remembrance of that strong bond (and diminishing or dismissing all she contributed).

[KayC]

6 hours ago, BBB said:

if I accept her death or if I move on then somehow I am disrespecting her and our relationship/our marriage.

Not weird at all!  It's all what the word acceptance connotates to you.  It does NOT mean it is "okay" with you.  It does NOT mean you like it.  What it does mean is that you know this is your reality now.  And after a time, it seeps in, like it or not.  We do NOT have to "move on," we do need to figure out what now, but this all takes time, much time.  You may not be ready to figure out ANYTHING!  And that's okay too!  It's enough, at this point, to remember to breathe, to get dressed, to eat something and have some water.  Beyond that can be too much right now.

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I don't accept the term "moving on" either. In time I will move forward, but my husband will always be at my side.

Absolutely 100%.  We do not move on; we do not get over it; we do not accept that losing our soulmates was right or fair--never.

I say and believe that I will carry my love, my grief, and my husband with me for the rest of my life.  I am learning how to, I guess, balance the weight rather than letting it crush me.  Being able to see not just his/our last devastating painful months and weeks, but also all that was good, loving, and wonderful is taking time, lots of time, but it is happening for me. 

I will never accept anything except the reality in front of me, that he is gone from this world--and even that took months, maybe a year or more, to really come to terms with "this is what happened."  It seemed unreal for a pretty long time.  Never mind that I got up every morning and had to face a silent, still house that used to be a home.  I simply could not believe that we hadn't triumphed.

16 hours ago, BBB said:

People around me are waiting for me to accept my wife's death. Waiting for me to 'get on' with my life. It's going to be a while, if I ever get there. When I think about the moving on part, not only am I not ready but to be honest, there is a part of me that doesn't want to. There is a part of me that feels like - if I accept her death or if I move on then somehow I am disrespecting her and our relationship/our marriage. Weird? Or do others feel that way?

The people around you do not have a clue what this loss and grief are like for you.  If they're uncomfortable or impatient, then that is entirely their problem. 

I think you will probably get to the point where you accept losing her, but only that.  And yes, it will be however long it takes and not one day sooner.

Weird to feel as if even thinking about accepting it would be disrespecting her and your marriage?  No, not at all.  For a long time, I felt as if any smile or little laugh was a slap in the face to my beloved.  I felt like anything that resembled acceptance would be diminishing our love and marriage.  I don't think it's unusual at all to feel the way you do.

I urge you in the strongest possible way to not allow anyone to tell you to or to think yourself of "moving on" or "getting on with your life" or anything like that.  If and when the time comes, you will start the difficult path of moving forward, bringing your love with you.

[SharedLife]

Someone earlier posted this video, which I believe is relevant:

 

 

[foreverhis]

@SharedLife  I have both of her TED Talks bookmarked.  One of our members originally posted it maybe 18 months ago, but some of us (including me) found it so beneficial that we've re-posted from time to time.  I'm glad you found it helpful and think this is a perfect thread for it.

 

[KayC]

I love that Ted Talk, have it bookmarked already.