Miss Sophia Lewis

[Sophia lewis]

Hi guys I’m a month into grieving my incredible boyfriend who I thought I would spend my life with. We were in an awful car crash. I woke from a coma with a broken back, ribs, jaw, cheekbone, collapsed lungs, haemorrhages in eyes and sinuses, split liver and non functioning pancreas as well as a lotta nerve damage. I was predicted to be blind and paralysed in the coma. Then I woke and heard the awful news which has literally torn my life apart and makes all my injuries feel irrelevant. 
Luckily for me I am not blind and will be walking eventually. I just cannot deal with life without him. We lived together so everywhere I look there are memories of how happy we were together. I’m finding the mornings the hardest because it’s like you have to accept it all over again. I’m very lucky as I live next to his best friend and so we are trying to work through it together but it’s hard as my body is still quite broken. 
Does anyone have any helpful tips on how to make sense of loosing someone so amazing in such a stupid way like a car crash or any tips at all about moving forward when the only thing you want is gone and no one can do anything about it. 
everything that used to excite me just seems pointless now. I was predicted to die in the first 3 days of my coma and I wish I did so I could be with him. I would never actually commit suicide but I wish we left this world together because I don’t really know how to live without him because my life has completely changed. If you guys could think of any helpful ways to get through this first year without him I would be so so grateful

[KayC]

Hi, Sophia, I am so glad you found your way here.  I am very sorry for your loss and everything you have been going through.  I pray you continue finding strength to fight this, the hardest battle of your life.

I don't think there is making any sense of this, all of asked why, esp. that first year, but I finally quit asking it as I got no answers.  Instead I focus on how to go on from here.  It's been 15 1/2 years since I lost my soul mate and best friend, George. Your feelings of lack of zeal/motivation are common, normal in early grief.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Lars M]

Sophia:

You are such a strong person to live through this but the damage to the body will heal its self with some work from you but the grief you are going through is something you will need others help with. Coming here was a great first step admitting you can't stand the pain by yourself. There are great people on here like Kay C and others. It is ok to ask for help and vent out loud for some reason it helps to write it down. I am still very new to my grief I have cried 3 different times today but it has to be ok I have no other choice. I pray you will continue to get stronger. 

[Maria_PI]

Miss Sohia, words fail me to express how sorry I am for what you went and are going through! And I apologize I do not have advice on how to make sense of it. But life is beautiful in all its forms and the fact that you defied predictions and are recovering is already something to cherish. Nothing can bring back what we have lost, but we have the experiences and memories of the beautiful love with a beautiful person and that is something to cherish. I have given up trying to make sense of what happened and why and embraced the unpredictability. Some call it God, I call it life and making the best of whatever life brings to me. It’s so liberating! I hope you find peace and beauty in whatever comes next. (((Hugs)))


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