Members hollomang Posted December 17, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 I have tried to push the bad memories of my dad in the hospital out of my head so much. Every now and again something will remind me of it and I just can’t stop picturing him in the bed with all these tubes hooked up to him and how sad he looked. Every time this happens I just go into full panic attack because I don’t want to remember those things. I don’t want to think about how much he suffered. I hate that everything went the worst route it possibly could. Just one thing after the next. I wish so badly he would have made it. I miss that man so much!!! I don’t know how I’ve even made it this far because some days are still SO hard . I wish I could erase all those bad memories out of my head forever. Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MessyJessie Posted December 17, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 I can relate as both my parents died after Illnesses where they didn’t keep their memory towards the end. With my mom she looked 10 years older before she died, saw her in various states with tubes etc where she could do nothing for herself. I too wish I could only remember the happy memories. I have nightmares about my mom being ill and just wish there was more I could do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monty Posted December 17, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 Hi Hollowmang, I too have experienced flashbacks of my Mum on the floor after the ambulance was called and people running around and my Dad with tubes all in him and a machine forcing air into his lungs. I think this is normal as horrendous as it is. With time I hope these moments will be replaced with happy memories of our loved ones. I really hope so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BEQUET93 Posted December 17, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 The deaths of our respective parents were traumatic experiences for us, which makes it difficult to not relive what happened to them. The bad memories will always be there, but I do believe that time will help to fade them and take some of the emotional pain away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lex Posted December 17, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 Yeah it's hard to not let those memories go as those were the last. I remembered I saw my dad when he was going through chemo and it was tough seeing him in pain. It was traumatic for me as I saw him for the last time before they placed him in the morgue. Just know that you are not alone and there are bad and good memories of those we loved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members awiles16 Posted December 17, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 i’ve talked to my therapist about this exact same thing. her suggestion was to think of your very favorite memory of your dad and when the thoughts of him in the bad way try to replace it with the good memory. it’s so hard and it doesn’t work every time but it has helped me from going into full panic attacks a few times. i’m thinking of you and i hope that this helps even a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hollomang Posted December 18, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2020 I can relate as both my parents died after Illnesses where they didn’t keep their memory towards the end. With my mom she looked 10 years older before she died, saw her in various states with tubes etc where she could do nothing for herself. I too wish I could only remember the happy memories. I have nightmares about my mom being ill and just wish there was more I could do.Yes those memories are so traumatizing and it upsets me because that’s not how I want to remember him. I have nightmares about it as well and it really is terrible.Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BEQUET93 Posted December 18, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2020 Witnessing the illness and death of a loved one is an intense emotional experience. I am at the month and a half mark, since my mother's death, and I still see and hear her. Right now, those memories are very vivid and it hurts to remember her final weeks, but, in my experience, time and patience will help. My dad died in 1994. That's a long time ago, but I can still see him sitting up in his hospital bed, with his mouth slightly open and his eyes like glass. We weren't buddies, but he was my dad and it took several years for me to come to terms with his death. To the present time, I sometimes still have dreams of him being back in the hospital and thinking, "Oh God, we have to go through this again." He died when he was only 48 and I still feel for sorry for him being cheated out of so many years, but time has helped. My grandma died in 2008. She was very much my friend and she wasn't shy about saying I was her favorite. She died in her home and I went to stay with her for her final month. I took her death very hard and still remember how the gray January daylight filled her living room and how she looked in the hospital bed brought by hospice. I see and hear her final moments. I won't ever forget those things, but the passage of time does help. Those memories are not happy, but time allows us to become familiar with them. It's definitely hard, because the memories hurt and it is only natural that we don't want to hurt, but these things can take time and sometimes even therapy. Talking to a therapist can make a world of difference. Two years after my dad died, I went to counseling and I went to therapy after my grandma died. Before I even returned to work after my mom's death, I already knew that I would need therapy to help me work through the grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted December 18, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2020 Dear Hollomang, (((hugs))) I'm so sorry for everything you went through. We all love our parents so much and of course, none of us want to see them suffer or have things go wrong. It's hard to feel like we couldn't make it right for them or save them in some way. It's been four years and I still feel this way. But Bequet is right in that it does take a lot of time and patience and these intense feelings and thoughts will lessen. Remember it's okay to talk about it and to lean on friends and family during this sad and difficult time. Thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Processingstuff Posted December 20, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 20, 2020 It helps to read I’m not alone in this. My dad died just over three weeks ago after a short stay in hospital. We weren’t allowed to visit because of covid but we got to speak to him. I find it very hard to think of times when he sounded anxious and needed us there to hold his hand but we weren’t allowed. The pain for us was unbearable. The hospital always gave us hope and he was put through one scan after another. He died in his sleep one day after we’d been through a rollercoaster of emotions - one minute thinking he was getting better, the next that he was about to die. This went on for 3 days and nights. I was the only one to see him in hospital just after he died. I can’t shift that image. His arms looked like a pincushion (from so many tubes etc) and he looked so frail. It broke my heart - I haven’t told my mum or brother about that. I also collected his things and saw that the nurses hadn’t helped him to read the cards we’d sent him. Again, I haven’t told my family. I was angry at first but just think they’re rushed off their feet. This is heartbreaking - so sorry for all your losses x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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