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Guilt filled


itbeme

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I am new to the forum, been feeling so guilty and lost. Guess I just need somewhere or someone to talk to. My mother lived about a block from me and would rely on me alot. We talked on the phone everyday, May of 2010 I had not heard from her in a couple days so I drove around and found her front door open with the storm door shut. I walked in and she was laying in her reclyner, I ask her why she wasnt answering her phone, she said she couldnt move and had been laying there for 3 days using the bathroom on herself because she was so swollen, as I walked over to her I could see just how swollen she really was. I have osto and only weighed 76 lbs. at the time so I couldnt help her to my car so I could take her to the Dr. or hospital, so I told her I was calling the ambulance, she said no she would not go to the hospital in our small town. So I told her I was calling both my brother & sister and I would do whatever they told me to do. Both said to call, so I did. She spent 10 days in the hospital and they couldnt find the reason for the swelling, they ran all kinds of test, but sent her home after 10 days with no answers. During her stay my brother and sister visited her once other than the day she was admitted. I brought her home and she never really recovered. March of this yr. she thought she had pneumonia and went to the dr the first part of march and told them that is what she thought was wrong, they give her antibotic's and sent her home with no chest xray. Mid March she was still no better so I told her I was taking her back. We once again told the dr. she thought it was pneumonia and demanded a chest xray, we drove to the next town and had the chest xray, the same evening the dr. called and said he would like for her to go the next day for a MRI, which we did that evening the dr. called and ask us to come in the next moring. Wgen we went in we were told she had cancer and the tumor was on her arterial arch and he wanted her to she a lung Dr. We seen the lung dr. the next afternoon, her sent her for a pet scan and the the heart dr. we did both the next day and went back to the lung dr. the fallowing day and was told that she was not a candadate for a biopsy because of where it was located, so they could not treat it not knowing for sure what type of cancer it was. So we were sent home and a week later was on hospice care at home, which only ment they helped with paying for her meds. related to the cancer and would come by once a week to check on her, the rest was left up to me. I pretty much moved in with her because within a week we were also told the cancer had moved into her bones also. She required help with meds., meals ect. The first week she made me promise I would not let my sister take care of her, that she didnt trust her to care for her. (Sad I know right) Anyway I promised. Well about 3 weeks before she died I hurt my back by helping to change her bedding bath her and redressing her ( I was told 6yrs ago I could brake my back just picking up a laundry basket because my bone loss was so bad, And I started swelling and could hardley walk, so my DH after 3 weeks made me come home and get some rest to see if the swelling would go down. It did not, so he made me go to the dr, therefore I had to leave my Mom in the care of my sister, Aunt and Step Mother for 16 hours. When I came back from the dr. she had not been given any pain meds the whole time I was gone and was screeming in pain. I ask my sister why she had not given her any of her meds, which at this point she had been getting about every 2 hrs. and she said Hospice told her not to. I was like WTF? I crushed up all the meds mixed them with just enough tea to put in a swringe and give them to her. I than called Hospice and ash why they would have told my sister not to give Mom her meds and was told that my sister had told the she refussed them, they ask if my mom was in her right mind and my sister had told them yes. My mother had not been in her right mind for about 2 weeks because the cancer had went to her brain. I told them this and asked what I needed to do to help her as she was yelling out in pain and even walked into the room where mom was so they could hear her. They told me to give her a dropper full of liquid morphine every 30 mins. until she showed some relief. I told them to hang on and went and got my sister and brother and than put the phone on speaker so they could hear what I was being told. So I started the morphine every 30 mins. and after 2 hrs. called them back because she was in no less pain as I could tell. They told me to comtinue it every 30 mins and a nurse was on her way. The nurse came and stayed with us, but had me continue giving her the meds. as she had made it very clear she did not trust anyoone else to give them to her. 8 hrs of liuqid morphine every 30 mins and she finily seemed to be resting and 1 hour later she was gone. I cant get past the guilt of leaving her care to my sister after I promised I wouldnt.

I know long, but really just needed to get it out, for someone anyone to hear me.

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It sounds like you took very good care of your mother and loved her very much. No one can provide round the clock care. Your own health was in jeopardy. You needed a break to get yourself better so that you could return and be there for your mother in her last days. Looking back we all have things we wished we would have (or could have) done differently. And I think that is normal. But we also have so many things we did do that were from our hearts. Wishing you peace with this. I know it is hard.

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I am new to the forum, been feeling so guilty and lost. Guess I just need somewhere or someone to talk to. My mother lived about a block from me and would rely on me alot. We talked on the phone everyday, May of 2010 I had not heard from her in a couple days so I drove around and found her front door open with the storm door shut. I walked in and she was laying in her reclyner, I ask her why she wasnt answering her phone, she said she couldnt move and had been laying there for 3 days using the bathroom on herself because she was so swollen, as I walked over to her I could see just how swollen she really was. I have osto and only weighed 76 lbs. at the time so I couldnt help her to my car so I could take her to the Dr. or hospital, so I told her I was calling the ambulance, she said no she would not go to the hospital in our small town. So I told her I was calling both my brother & sister and I would do whatever they told me to do. Both said to call, so I did. She spent 10 days in the hospital and they couldnt find the reason for the swelling, they ran all kinds of test, but sent her home after 10 days with no answers. During her stay my brother and sister visited her once other than the day she was admitted. I brought her home and she never really recovered. March of this yr. she thought she had pneumonia and went to the dr the first part of march and told them that is what she thought was wrong, they give her antibotic's and sent her home with no chest xray. Mid March she was still no better so I told her I was taking her back. We once again told the dr. she thought it was pneumonia and demanded a chest xray, we drove to the next town and had the chest xray, the same evening the dr. called and said he would like for her to go the next day for a MRI, which we did that evening the dr. called and ask us to come in the next moring. Wgen we went in we were told she had cancer and the tumor was on her arterial arch and he wanted her to she a lung Dr. We seen the lung dr. the next afternoon, her sent her for a pet scan and the the heart dr. we did both the next day and went back to the lung dr. the fallowing day and was told that she was not a candadate for a biopsy because of where it was located, so they could not treat it not knowing for sure what type of cancer it was. So we were sent home and a week later was on hospice care at home, which only ment they helped with paying for her meds. related to the cancer and would come by once a week to check on her, the rest was left up to me. I pretty much moved in with her because within a week we were also told the cancer had moved into her bones also. She required help with meds., meals ect. The first week she made me promise I would not let my sister take care of her, that she didnt trust her to care for her. (Sad I know right) Anyway I promised. Well about 3 weeks before she died I hurt my back by helping to change her bedding bath her and redressing her ( I was told 6yrs ago I could brake my back just picking up a laundry basket because my bone loss was so bad, And I started swelling and could hardley walk, so my DH after 3 weeks made me come home and get some rest to see if the swelling would go down. It did not, so he made me go to the dr, therefore I had to leave my Mom in the care of my sister, Aunt and Step Mother for 16 hours. When I came back from the dr. she had not been given any pain meds the whole time I was gone and was screeming in pain. I ask my sister why she had not given her any of her meds, which at this point she had been getting about every 2 hrs. and she said Hospice told her not to. I was like WTF? I crushed up all the meds mixed them with just enough tea to put in a swringe and give them to her. I than called Hospice and ash why they would have told my sister not to give Mom her meds and was told that my sister had told the she refussed them, they ask if my mom was in her right mind and my sister had told them yes. My mother had not been in her right mind for about 2 weeks because the cancer had went to her brain. I told them this and asked what I needed to do to help her as she was yelling out in pain and even walked into the room where mom was so they could hear her. They told me to give her a dropper full of liquid morphine every 30 mins. until she showed some relief. I told them to hang on and went and got my sister and brother and than put the phone on speaker so they could hear what I was being told. So I started the morphine every 30 mins. and after 2 hrs. called them back because she was in no less pain as I could tell. They told me to comtinue it every 30 mins and a nurse was on her way. The nurse came and stayed with us, but had me continue giving her the meds. as she had made it very clear she did not trust anyoone else to give them to her. 8 hrs of liuqid morphine every 30 mins and she finily seemed to be resting and 1 hour later she was gone. I cant get past the guilt of leaving her care to my sister after I promised I wouldnt.

I know long, but really just needed to get it out, for someone anyone to hear me.

You did nothing wrong. I've cared for terminally ill people, and it is so strenuous and stressful that everyone needs a break. You had a medical condition that required attention. Caring for others is just not easy for some people; it doesn't come naturally for them as it does for others. Your sister may have just been overwhelmed and unsure of what to do.

Don't beat yourself up with the guilt. We all feel guilt over things we could have and should have done, but we didn't. We have to let it go and move foward.

ModKonnie

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