Love of My Life

[Sparky1]

I just found this forum while searching for grieving support. I lost my wife at the end of October to a rare cancer in the adrenal gland. It caused Cushing's disease but by the time doctors figured out that her tumor was malignant on September 15, it was too late. She had stage 4 cancer which was causing lots of pain, they did treatments but the chemo was too strong and her body could not handle it.

I am devastated and in despair, it's like I'm living in a nightmare and hope to wake up and everything will be okay. She was 57 and we had been together 18 years. The three kids are on their own and 2 of them live many hours away. I'm left alone in the house with a small, old dog which doesn't really provide much companionship. I do call the kids and see my sister in law and mother in law fairly often but they have their own grief as well. I miss my wife so much and I am going through all of the usual emotions I've read about here. The heartache and crying is often unbearable. She was my everything, our song was Dream Come True by Frozen Ghost. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through in life and I always told her that we would grow old together and do many things when I retire. Now all that is gone and everything seems bleak, I have very little motivation and have to struggle to get by the daily routines.

 

[SharedLife]

I'm sorry for your pain, Sparky.  You've described all of us here--at least at the beginning. The loss of a spouse has got to be the worst experience ever.  I'm sure she would want you to find some comfort and escape from the pain. I try not to dwell at length on things that make me cry...I figure that will get better with time.  And I try to keep myself busy, doing things around the house or in the yard mostly, thanks to coronavirus. Consider seeing a grief counselor or finding a local grief support group. Search the web or ask your doc or a minister how to find one.

It's not easy. But you can survive it -- and that's what she would want, isn't it?

[Sparky1]

Thank you SharedLife. I know it's not easy, no matter how tough one thinks they are. The emotions are overwhelming, sometimes like a panic almost. I'm sure she would want me to survive it and carry on. The thing that keeps me going is having three very young grandchildren, from 2 months old to 5 years old. The older one is close by but the other two are many hours away. My wife met the baby just before she passed on and every time I see the little guy I break down thinking of how little time she got to spend with him. Trying to stay busy and doing things around the house helps some. Getting into a routine is difficult but they say it helps a little.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I lost my husband just after his 51st birthday, suddenly, unexpectedly.  It's the hardest thing I've been through in my life.  Throw into the mix the pandemic this year and I feel it's set me back for everything I've worked so hard in the years since.  I am glad you found this place, it was a site such as this that saved me when I went through it as none of my family got it, they all still had their spouses, excepting my mom & she's gone too now.

My kids don't live nearby and I don't get to see my grandkids much this year especially.  The older I get the harder it is to travel to them because I can't drive at night and can't be gone overnight in the winter (wood heat, snow country).  

It does help to have a routine, esp. this year of all times.  It'd be great if you could go to a grief support group and grief counseling.  I led one pre-COVID and look forward to this being behind us so we can do such things again.  Contact is important to me.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.