How do you answer this?

[LoveNeverDies]

I have people ask me “How are you doing?” Which makes me choke up and brings me to tears every time. Which makes it awkward for them. I really have no answer for  this other than I’m falling apart. Makes me not want to talk to people, which just adds to my loneliness.How do you answer? 

[KayC]

Responses to "How are you?"
https://sylvieleotin.com/2018/07/22/when-how-are-you-leads-to-hurt/
https://thegrieftoolbox.com/content/new-answer-grief-question-how-are-you
Cliches - answers to

Personally, for two cents I'd respond, "How the hell do you think I am!!!"  But that's just me.   I realize people mean well and we don't want to come across angry but gosh those early days are something no one wishes on their worst enemy!

[MODArtemis2019]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It's very recent and at this stage it's hard to feel comfortable or "normal" in public, or to talk about your loss and how you're doing. The world you knew has been destroyed and now you're in this alien world that doesn't include your beloved. It's a huge shift in reality for you. Makes it very hard to talk with people whose worlds are still intact. At that stage in my grief, I would say something like "Thank you for asking- I'm managing"  or "Thank you for asking-I'm surviving."  And often I would start crying. But I always appreciate people who acknowledge  my loss. For me, it was much more painful when people I knew didn't acknowledge my loss (probably because it was awkward and they didn't know what to say). 

During the first few months, I went to all the grief support group meetings that I could. I felt better just being around other bereaved spouses, even if I never said anything. Of course that's not possible now. But you might check to see if your local hospital or hospice group has set up a Zoom bereavement group, if you're interested. In most cases, these groups are open to all members of the community.  I think it's important to try to maintain contact with people who care and who aren't afraid to ask, "How are you?" Especially now with the pandemic-related isolation most people are enduring.  

[jmmosley53]

Try saying I am feeling very fragile.  Or, I'm trying to hold it together but sometimes I get overwhelmed.  Or don't say anything just, shrug your shoulders 

[SharedLife]

When they ask "How are you doing" I usually reply with the obligatory, "I'm doing okay". Or I might say, "About the same as yesterday".  It's a formality, really, intended to show they care. (But I don't think they really want to hear all the details.)

[Gail 8588]

For most casual inquiries, where I know they don't really want to know, I just say "doing the best I can" or somtimes "okay".  For friends that knew us, that I don't want to just politely lie to, often said "I am still struggling to figure out how to live without John"  I said that for over 3 years.   Now I am saying "I am beginning to figure out how to live without John." 

They may not perceive a big difference in my response, but for me it is a big shift. For years I could not see any point in living, I was just going through the motions of life. I was putting one foot in front of the other but going nowhere. 

But something has changed with me now. I do feel connected to life again. I don't know where my path is going yet, John was always the one with the plan, but I'm no longer lost in a dark hole. It's more like I am out for a stroll in the real world with fat grapefruit bending the branches of my tree and a neighbor's cat sunning herself on my deck. I can see life is good even though I know it is harder and lonelier than it was with John. 

Gail

 

[Diane R. E.]

People have stopped asking me how I'm doing, which I think is worse, as it makes me feel so alone. I guess they assume I'm ok or else I would reach out, but I'm not ok. I just don't want them to feel like have to listen or do something with me because I'm grieving. Then I tell myself that I'm only feeling sorry for myself, but it still hurts.

[Yoli]

I am pretty sure we have a right to feel sorry for ourselves.

[Jacx]

“My parents are dead and I’m sad. It hurts. But I’m here at work so how are you?”

Not many people talk to me at work anymore....

[Dawn Wms]

It depends on who asks.  If it is a friend, I am honest.  If an acquaintance or stranger, I try to ignore it since they don't really expect a genuine answer. I hate the question now though.  I hate it and wish we didn't just automatically ask it when we don't really and truly care.  It is just a part of "Hello."  Other cultures do not ask unless you know the person and do care.  Particularly in public, it's easiest just to say "fine, thanks."  It's the in-between situations that can be hard.  My dentist asked me how I was doing and I sort of had a break down.  It is just more reason that I have avoided people for the most part since my husband died last spring.  I simply can't relate to people who are carrying on normal lives.  Mine is completely up-ended.

[Sparky1]

In the beginning, the phone wouldn't stop ringing. Now, I have to call people just to keep my sanity. Lots of friends have said ' if you need anything just let me know' I wonder to myself what do they really mean? Will they come over and keep me from being lonely? Will they come over and cook me dinner? I don't know what to say, other than I appreciate it very much.

11 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

 

 

[Dawn Wms]

I was just thinking about this a minute before I opened my laptop.  Same here.  People were all around me at first.  People who weren't even that close to me or my husband.  Now the phone has gone silent.  People have moved on.  A few have stuck with me, but most have moved on.  Is it because talking to me is hard and depressing?  I can't blame them for that.  But it is what it is.  It's lonely.  I can't say I really care, because I mostly want to be alone.  But, on the other hand, it doesn't fell good at all.  I know that COVID is a big part of this, but they could at least send a text (which some do) to let me know they are thinking about me.  But it's not their life.  I have to deal with this on my own.  It is, nonetheless, pretty harsh when you realize just how lonesome this journey is.

[Zee24]

I don’t tell people anything about how I am feeling because I know the amount of feelings that I have are too much to unload on anyone. I have learnt self control in that respect because I was having a very hard time and it took me a while to get this important lesson. Not only do people expect you to say you are fine but also to look fine and feign interest in stuff. Everyone moves on. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

Is it because talking to me is hard and depressing?

Perhaps, but also it reminds them of them and their partner's mortality (if it can happen to you it can happen to them) so they try to push it out of their mind by not reminding themselves of it..  Every single one of our friends ditched me when George died, my two best friends didn't even bother coming to his funeral!  George was beloved as he cared about everyone and was always helping others.  The church was packed for his funeral, so why not my best friends?  I'd been there for them when they went through divorces, sat up with them at night, listened to them, cared...where was it when it was my turn???  My family cared but didn't have a clue.  Even now still don't.  My sister has an inkling now as she recently lost her husband.  But when it goes on year after year after year and you face old age, surgeries, holidays, everything alone, no one to bounce everything off of like you did your spouse, it gets old.  Yes I've survived these last 15 1/2 years, but this year (other that the first year or two) has been the hardest, going through this pandemic totally alone.  Those with families/spouses have not a clue what it's like for us.

[Dawn Wms]

I guess we all have to go through this life on our own.  That is why it was so wonderful to have that one person.  My husband was here with me for the first month and a half of the COVID shut down.  It was still tolerable.  Then he died and I have been really alone ever since.  People came around more in the beginning and checked in with texts and phone calls.  That has all petered out now.  I don't blame them.  I get it.  But it still hurts.

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

I guess we all have to go through this life on our own.  That is why it was so wonderful to have that one person.  My husband was here with me for the first month and a half of the COVID shut down.  It was still tolerable.  Then he died and I have been really alone ever since.  People came around more in the beginning and checked in with texts and phone calls.  That has all petered out now.  I don't blame them.  I get it.  But it still hurts.

You know, you're absolutely right. People I barely knew would call and text and say 'just checking in on you' Now it's less and less unless I call people to ask them how they're doing. Unless someone has suffered the loss of their partner, they don't truly understand the magnitude of our sorrow, our heartache, and our loneliness. They worry only about themselves.

[Dawn Wms]

And I guess we all do.  I never knew myself how horrible this could be.  You know people who go through it and survive, so you think it is survivable.  But then you experience it for yourself and you realize the hell they must have gone through.  It is the loneliest process on earth.  It happens every day and yet I do not know how people survive.  I am not sure that I will.

[KayC]

I did reach out to people, they asked if they could call me back and then never did.  One couple moved & never gave me their forwarding address.  I had to start from scratch, just when I needed my friends the most.  I can't excuse that.  I'm glad some of you had a better experience, but for some, grief/loss has a way of rewriting their address book.  In the end that is okay, but it sure was hard at that time!

[Gary55]

After a death its so hard to deal with people. After my mum died a good many years ago, after a few weeks off you're expected to be OK. Maybe some deal with it better or hide things better, but I struggle. I suffered depression once and the only people I could relate to were at special meetings. My recent loss of my lovely boy Goldie has made me avoid all contact with dog walkers. I just can't do it. I don't want to be too much for people. I don't work now, I'm so glad I don't have to face that

[JohnS]

3+ weeks since my long-time girlfriend died suddenly, and I'm getting the impression that  this grief journey is pretty much a solo gig. The only other person that really "gets it" is my GF's sister. We're both hurting a lot, and we support each other. But my impression is that most others are moving on. They have their own lives and problems, and the sudden, unexpected death of my GF probably freaks them out - hey, it could happen to their significant other. So they disconnect politely. Even a close relative said to me today that maybe I need a distraction. I know he means well, but he DOES NOT get it. Distraction? Like what? 29 years with this woman, and I'm supposed to just focus on something else once in a while? She died the day before Thanksgiving. Christmas is a week away. Christmas will suck. And this COVID isolation only makes it worse. I'd might search out a bereavement group, but if there are any, they'd have to be Zoom, and I'm not sure that's what would work for me. Not now. Yeah, I pretty much just answer people that "I'm hanging in there, but it's been tough." That's about all most people really want to know, and somehow I suspect they will begin to wonder when I'm going to be normal again. Good question.

[Maria_PI]

3+ weeks since my long-time girlfriend died suddenly, and I'm getting the impression that  this grief journey is pretty much a solo gig.

Yes, this is indeed a solo gig. You may be lucky you realized it sooner than later. I am 7 months into this journey and only truly realized that no one else can help me but myself around 5-6 months in. At first colleagues and friends were like “let me know how I can help”, so I say let’s meet up, or come visit - sorry can’t do, have to keep distance. Then I say let’s go for a walk on the beach, we can keep distance, it’s an open space, safest in times of Covid - crickets. So I go for a walk on the beach by myself. I have to think it may be better that way, otherwise I might go crazy. I find escape in books, music, movies, work. I come here and find kindred souls, that gives me some comfort. I miss my Love so much! He was my whole world and I his.


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[CatL]

"Day to day", "hanging in there", I just find an answer that seems acceptable. Sometimes I even go so far as to ignore it and answer something else, tell them about my dogs, talk about my garden, try to be nice about answering a question they don't really want an answer to. Those that actually are around me, they already know how I'm doing. As everyone else has mentioned, most people just dropped off. I'm lucky, I have one friend that comes over weekly for dinner, a habit from when my husband was alive. The guy that helps me with my yard/mowing comes over weekly so I get to talk to him sometimes. And I have someone who helps clean my house, so I have her to talk to. But as for friends, they all dropped off the face of the earth. Covid hasn't helped, but as some have said, even a text would be something. And I've had people that don't/won't return a text.

There are some things I can talk about to people, but how I am is something I only talk to a select few about. I've decided that most people don't know me well enough to really ask that, nor to get an answer to it. They may ask out of politeness, and the answer they get is just out of politeness.

[KayC]

@CatL
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

[chincube]

On 12/19/2020 at 8:19 AM, JohnS said:

Yeah, I pretty much just answer people that "I'm hanging in there, but it's been tough." That's about all most people really want to know, and somehow I suspect they will begin to wonder when I'm going to be normal again. Good question.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There are many things people say just because they are uncomfortable and awkward about our situations, don't know what to say to us - but have no idea how hurting/maddening those words are... Especially in the early days.

I agree about what you said that people would begin to wonder when we're going to be normal again. But to be honest, till now I have not been "normal" again for people in my life, and I suspect some of them have been disappointed and turned away too. True that slowly I have built and fallen back to some sort of routines, some sort of normalcy that makes my life functions. But my "normal" will never be the same as their "normal", I will never be the same again - however for quite some people their idea of what happens to me is, I would be sad for certain time, and then I would return to my old self again. So..... I don't see how that can happen.

Sure people has left my life since, but also some stayed the whole time. Those who stay are usually good at just be with you, if not do things with you, just talk with whatever on our mind with you. One thing I learn is that if someone I know is grieving in future, I don't have to ask "how are you" all the time, I don't have to disappear as well. Perhaps the gentlest thing would be just do stuff or talk about stuff together, be it about grief or not. "How are you" usually is just too "scratchy" for us, but talking about food, weather, hobbies, shops, local scenes offer company and time and choice for us to talk about our grief or not.

[KayC]

Our "normal" changed the day they died...or realized they were going to.  We are not the same again.  For people to want/expect us to be our old selves so THEY can be comfortable & not worry is unreasonable on their part!

[widower2]

On 12/10/2020 at 10:50 AM, LoveNeverDies said:

I have people ask me “How are you doing?” Which makes me choke up and brings me to tears every time. Which makes it awkward for them. I really have no answer for  this other than I’m falling apart. Makes me not want to talk to people, which just adds to my loneliness.How do you answer? 

This was my response to a similar thread earlier:

 

If you had asked me this in the earlier times right after the loss, my suggestion might have been something like this:

Get a baseball bat. Keep it with you at all times. When someone asks you that question, whack them in the head as hard as you can. Then walk over to them, laying there writhing in agony, and go "HOW ARE YOU?  Oh was that a stupid question? Now you know how I feel." 

But over time I realized that although it was an insanely stupid question, people generally don't know how to handle grief and will say and do dumb things, and...here's the key part...most mean well, and I think it's important to keep the intent in mind of asking how you are, even if it's just a courtesy.  Think about this, at least for people whose opinions matter to you:  would you rather they never ask how you are?  For me I realized that was much worse. You have no interest in my well being or how I am holding up? Wow thanks. 

So my answer now would be, as much as it may gall you and as phony as it may be, to say something like "OK" or "hanging in there, thanks for asking" or similar and let it go at that. 

[Sparky1]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

So my answer now would be, as much as it may gall you and as phony as it may be, to say something like "OK" or "hanging in there, thanks for asking" or similar and let it go at that.

That's exactly what I do now. People text or call and ask the same question, and like you said it's better to just say I'm okay. In this time of grieving, any text or call is better than silence and you can't upset people by telling them ' how the **** do you think I feel? Like that they will surely abandon you. We have to be courteous and polite because they don't really know what we're going through.

[Diane R. E.]

Yes, I would rather have people ask me how I'm doing than not to ask at all. The silence hurts.

[LoveNeverDies]

20 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

The silence hurts.

Yes, most definitely does. At first people asked , but now there’s nothing . 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, widower2 said:

Get a baseball bat. Keep it with you at all times. When someone asks you that question, whack them in the head as hard as you can. Then walk over to them, laying there writhing in agony, and go "HOW ARE YOU?  Oh was that a stupid question? Now you know how I feel." 

I wouldn't recommend this but I've gotta admit, it brought me a smile!  We all get the feeling...

 

[LMR]

I just have to remind myself that I used to be one of those people who don't know what to say.

Give a little, not too much. I try to be honest if I can so that we can have a short conversation. I guess I am getting practiced. After all what can they reply to "I'm ok"?

[JohnS]

Well, if asked I won't lie and say "Fine." I'll just tell them I'm hanging in there or that I'm taking it a day at a time. Short response, because we know most people just want to hear that you are okay so they can go back to their routines. I'm not trying to be mean here, but it's just how it is. I am also getting an education in learning how others respond. Some people I don't know that well and perhaps didn't even know Diane have been so kind - sending sympathy cards with heartfelt comments, which I gather isn't that customary anymore, apparently (a sad face emoji or a quick line on Facebook seems enough for most). But those nice surprises from caring people you wouldn't expect to hear from is countered by some people you know well who didn't respond at all. Or the people who, according to their relatives, didn't respond or come to the funeral because they just don't "deal" with death well. Who does? I know death and funerals are unpleasant and sad and remind us all of the inevitable, but to these people that "can't deal with it", I say, "Put on your grown-up pants and do something!" This isn't about YOU. So that's what I've been learning. Sorry, mixed in with my grief and sadness right now is some degree of anger as you can probably tell.

 

[chincube]

6 hours ago, JohnS said:

Or the people who, according to their relatives, didn't respond or come to the funeral because they just don't "deal" with death well. Who does? I know death and funerals are unpleasant and sad and remind us all of the inevitable, but to these people that "can't deal with it", I say, "Put on your grown-up pants and do something!" This isn't about YOU. 

My 2 cents here, that can be excuse or there could be more story to it - if that person is grieving him/herself.

Shortly after my boyfriend died, a very good friend's mother died too. I wanted to be there for my friend so I went to her mom's funeral, as you said I didn't want to make it about myself. But it was really too much, I couldn't get myself to look at her mother (partly because I couldn't see my boyfriend before he was buried), and I had panic attack crying and couldn't breathe the whole time. Rewind back, it probably wasn't a good idea, because at the end I did make it about myself...

But I get what you mean, I had closest friend who said the meanest things, and kindness from people I didn't expect. And I got educated on how to be there for people in future too.

[KayC]

My two best friends did not bother to come to George's funeral.  I had been there for them through their divorces, staying up late at night with them, no excuse whatsoever.  In my book, they were selfish and I learned who my friends are...not.

[JohnS]

KayC, it has always been my strong feeling that going to wakes and funerals is among the most self-less things we mortals can do. No one likes going - we take a deep breath and go, hoping that we say the right thing (usually "I'm so sorry" is all you have to say). So, not going because it's inconvenient or because, as I've heard it said about others, "I'm sorry they didn't come but they just don't deal with this death stuff well" is the epitome of selfishness. Supporting the family in these moments is what being a grown-up is about, and I have no allowance for the people that don't go but should have. And, yes, it is a revelation about other people's real nature.

[KayC]

That's how I feel too, JohnS.

[LoveNeverDies]

Kay , I’m so sorry you had to go through losing people who you thought were your friends, it’s sad when you find out people that you care about don’t really care about you. 

[Karen Osman]

I just say okay.  If I said more, I would break down in tears.  Now with the virus, most of my talking to people is by telephone, so it's easier to pretend.

[KayC]

@Karen Osman  It's okay NOT to pretend.  It's okay to set them straight.  People just don't seem to have a clue what it's like unless they've been there.  I want to welcome you here, and hope you will come here and read/post, it helps, it really does, to express yourself and know you're heard by those who "get it."
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Zee24]

On 12/24/2020 at 11:40 PM, JohnS said:

KayC, it has always been my strong feeling that going to wakes and funerals is among the most self-less things we mortals can do. No one likes going - we take a deep breath and go, hoping that we say the right thing (usually "I'm so sorry" is all you have to say). So, not going because it's inconvenient or because, as I've heard it said about others, "I'm sorry they didn't come but they just don't deal with this death stuff well" is the epitome of selfishness. Supporting the family in these moments is what being a grown-up is about, and I have no allowance for the people that don't go but should have. And, yes, it is a revelation about other people's real nature.

I agree with this. People who don’t know what to say because it makes them uncomfortable, people who don’t visit or call as they used to, it just shows who they really are. To say they don’t know what it’s like which is why they stay away is no excuse. 

[KayC]

I agree with it not being an excuse.  Grief has a way of rewriting our address book, in my case, I could throw it out and start over again.