Trigger Moments

[SharedLife]

I've found myself triggered when remembering fond moments from the past.  I came across a picture of my wife wearing a set of headphones and smiling (laughing). I remembered the moment immediately: I had been listening to music on headphones, an artist we both liked. I put the headphones on her and she started singing--off key and loudly. She knew it was off-key and loud and started laughing.  At first, it made me smile. Then I wept, realizing moments like that were gone.

I was "into" Beethoven for awhile and we attended a symphony orchestra performance dedicated to Beethoven. The first piece they played was Beethoven's 9th Symphony (Ode to Joy). I'd always heard it on a recording and when the orchestra's violins began to play, it stunned me...so much so that tears came to my eyes.  We had a wonderful time (made a weekend getaway out of it).  That experience came to mind when I saw a YouTube video...at first I felt joyful, then I remembered our weekend outing and the realization we'd never have another one brought me down.

I have to remember that it's okay (for me) to reminisce but I can't dwell on memories for too long lest they drag me down.

The video I watched is of a symphony flash mob performing Beethoven's 9th.  It's a wonderful video, and it just might cheer you up:

[Caution: the music in the video is LOUD.  You may wish to wear headphones or earplugs.]

 

[Rose H]

That's Beautiful!!!!!!!

[KayC]

I love that!  I feel it transports us somewhere else!  I love that you have such a wonderful memory of your wife, thank you for sharing it.  I wish I'd taken George to a symphony, he would have loved it!  Ahh, perhaps in heaven...

[SharedLife]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I feel it transports us somewhere else! .

...and that's the idea behind Beethoven's symphonies -- they're intended to evoke emotion.  Most music does.  So maybe listening to music can benefit the grieving process.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, SharedLife said:

...and that's the idea behind Beethoven's symphonies -- they're intended to evoke emotion.  Most music does.  So maybe listening to music can benefit the grieving process.

So far for me, it depends on the music and how I'm feeling at the time.  My husband and I are musicians by avocation and met in the theater, so the sheer amount of music that has personal memories for me is daunting.  There are times I will intentionally put on something emotionally difficult because it helps me know where I am on my journey.  It also helps, well helps me at least, release pent up distress and pain.

Recently, I had a music app on and the instrumental dance suite from West Side Story came on.  For more than 2 years, I couldn't bear to hear it, not even the opening measures, because it was the first thing I put on for my husband his last day.  He was a trombone player and conductor, and that was one of his favorites to both play and conduct.  Plus we took our private additional vow from one of the songs in the show.

So this time, I decided to be brave and let it play.  Tears came and flowed, but with them finally were not just the images of that last devastating day and all that led to it.  This time I could also see him dressed in one of his conducting tuxedos, smiling and proud, ready to step out and start the performance.  I could see him singing or humming as he puzzled out the best way to rearrange a piece or song.  I could envision him playing in any number of orchestras in any number of musicals, operas, and concerts.  At last, I didn't just feel anguish, but also happiness and pride.  It was a huge step forward for me.  Probably my biggest to date. 

Yet even sitting here describing it brings tears flowing because music and everything around it are so much a part of our world and because music, like poetry and other arts, indeed evokes emotions.  I'm growing more able to blend my grief with our love.  With that strength, I'm also able to hear more of our life in music without completely losing it.

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, SharedLife said:

The video I watched is of a symphony flash mob performing Beethoven's 9th.  It's a wonderful video, and it just might cheer you up:

Fantastic!  That is just the kind of thing we would have loved to do.

[Maria_PI]

My husband was a professional musician - bass guitar player and composer, so music was his whole life. I am surrounded by music - his own and his favorite, so lately I find myself not being able to stand silence and quiet. I have to play music in order to be able to stay alive. It’s scary! It wasn’t like this before. I find as time goes on and especially in this period of extra isolation due to Covid, music is what sustains me.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[SharedLife]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It was a huge step forward for me.  Probably my biggest to date.

Sorry there are still difficulties for you, but this sounds like a positive development.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, SharedLife said:

Sorry there are still difficulties for you, but this sounds like a positive development.

Thank you.  Yes, it was definitely a good thing.  I am pretty sure that some things will always be difficult now, but I'm learning to cope better and I'm more able to see, hear, and remember the good, loving, and happy, not just those painful last months.

That flash mob of musicians was just wonderful.

4 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

My husband was a professional musician - bass guitar player and composer, so music was his whole life. I am surrounded by music - his own and his favorite, so lately I find myself not being able to stand silence and quiet. I have to play music in order to be able to stay alive. It’s scary! It wasn’t like this before. I find as time goes on and especially in this period of extra isolation due to Covid, music is what sustains me.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

I never fully understood the truth of the saying, "The silence is deafening" until I had to start learning to live alone.  I generally have either the television or music on most of the day.  Usually softly in the background, in part so that the house doesn't feel quite as empty.  I usually choose a music theme that doesn't include the most emotionally painful pieces, but I'm getting better about it.

There's a fantastic documentary on Prime called Fiddler: Miracle of Miracles.  That was one of the many shows we did together.  The last time, he was music director and conductor and I was in the cast.  I was actually able to enjoy the documentary and only teared up a few times.  I think maybe because it was so interesting to see the in-depth development, social issues, and various productions.  I love learning about the nuts and bolts of just about anything, especially related to music or theater.  Even 1 year ago, I don't think I would have been brave enough to watch it.

By a hair, he was my second favorite conductor of all time--and that's saying something considering that one of the choirs I was in performed with professional orchestras several times.  We used to kind of joke about it because his conducting style was so similar to my favorite's style.  The thing is that my husband played in several operetta orchestras where my favorite was conducting and he was inspired to refine his own style because of it. 

Come to think of it, the very first time I saw my husband was during tech week for one of those operettas.  We were waiting for some lighting thing or another to be finalized.  I heard a laugh and looked down to see two new trombone players.  One, who turned out to be a real sweetie, was very classically handsome.  The other was definitely good looking, but not in a GQ way.  He was the one laughing because someone said something silly.  His blue eyes were crinkled up, his smile lit up his face, and I said to myself, "I must meet this man."  Sure enough, 2-1/2 years later, we were married.  In a very real way, music brought me to my love.  I can never regret that.

[Gail 8588]

Sharedlife,

Thanks so much for posting the flash mob concert. It is wonderful. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, SharedLife said:

So maybe listening to music can benefit the grieving process.

My George was a huge music lover, hence music reminded me of him and made it harder for me when he died.  I rarely listen to it anymore as it evokes tears, although I still love music and am on the Praise Team (leads worship in song), have been all my life.