Members SharedLife Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 I visited her (our) grave site today and discovered they finally installed the grave marker. I left a rose. It's always a tearful visit, but I feel compelled to do so about once per week. It makes me wish/hope that there is a heaven because I know she'd be there. Today I thought about how Thanksgiving (in the US) was difficult without her, and I fear Christmas will be much worse. I can't bring myself to put up any Christmas decorations this year -- too sadness-evoking. Then in early January, it will be our anniversary date,what would have been our 53rd. Making matters worse is the coronavirus and travel/visiting restrictions making it difficult to even visit family. As part of my suicidal thoughts, I've considered trying to expose myself to the virus so that I can join her. But with my luck, I might recover, then face outrageous medical bills. What to do on special days? It seems to help me to be outside, so I may take a long walk (even if it's cold), or take the dog on a long drive and maybe a visit to a park. And I'll probably try to occupy myself with a Netflix series. Do you have any plans or suggestions to do something (anything) to try to keep your mind off your grief during the holidays/special dates? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Leon Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 I listen to music, maybe watch a live concert on dvd. The energy of a good rock concert keeps me afloat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JohnS Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 I have no idea about Christmas. My girlfriend (29 years a couple) died on Nov. 25, day before Thanksgiving. No decorating for me this year. Can't find the motivation. And I'm okay with doing nothing with wreaths and lights. COVID has made getting through this Christmas that much worse - I can't really go visit anyone. My sister lives nearby so I guess I'll just go over to her place and it will be just the two of us for dinner. I have no expectations of Christmas this year. I will remind myself it's just one day...one of a whole bunch of very difficult days. Right now I am helping my GF's sister begin the process of going through my GF's apartment (we were older when we met and always maintained our individual residences). It will probably take most of December to distribute my GF's belongings, so I guess that will act as some form of distraction, and her sister needs me (she has no other family locally to help with this). But it's tough. Just when I think I am doing okay, today I found Diane's shoebox with her little hiking boots (she had small feet), which she used to wear when we went hiking in Acadia National Park in Maine. And as I looked at those boots, I lost it again. I wish I didn't have to be involved with the apartment and giving away so many things that i bought her or remember her buying, but I have no choice - her sister needs my help. But this process just prolongs the agony. So, in summary, I've pretty much "cancelled" Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SharedLife Posted December 8, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 9 minutes ago, JohnS said: And as I looked at those boots, I lost it again. Having experienced the same when sorting my wife's things, I know that sorting through personal possessions can cause emotional overload. It's very good of you to help with this. It will be difficult. I've kept a couple of items of my wife's clothing (a sweater and sweatshirt) that she liked...just as a remembrance of her. I keep them in the closet with my stuff and, for some reason, it seems to help emotionally...maybe because they evoke thoughts of good times we shared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 8, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 Do whatever makes you most comfortable, Don't force anything you're not comfortable with. That first year I only went through the motions for my kids, both young adults, but it did help that they were both there. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/12/11/dealing-with-grief-during-the-holidays/ https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/8338-articles-worth-reading/?page=23&tab=comments#comment-143268 https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jmmosley53 Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 Sharedlife, I think I understand what what you are going through. It has been my experience that sometimes I can go through my husbands things and gift them to either family members or people we knew and feel good about it. Other times I am anything but okay. Like, today I was digging up some dead plants in a flower bed my husband had made for me. The flower bed had been made with pressure treated wood, but was over 15 years old so the wood was rotting and falling apart. I decided it needed to be removed but when I started to remove the boards I collapsed in a pile of tears. It hit me so hard that I was throwing away something Richard had made for me. I knew it had to go but it still seemed that I was somehow being ungrateful for his work 15 years ago. I don't want to make everything he ever touched into a shrine but I don't seem able to know what is going to be a good or bad experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 Take your time! I would have sold our car in the first weeks after he died but for the fact that I couldn't find the title. Because of Covid I had to wait another 2 months to get an appointment to sort it out. Now I'm glad because I realise I am not ready to part with it even though I cannot drive. A neighbor gave me a little booklet -"My friend, I care" by Barbara Karnes. Its only a few pages but I cried as I read it. She knows. She suggests not disposing of your loved one's belongings for a few months. I know it's not that straightforward if you have to clear out their home but maybe if you have space for a few boxes you can wait a while before making some decisions. Our minds are not functioning at their best, you may later think of a better use for something, for yourself or somebody else. I still can't go through my husbands things. After 4 months the pain is worse, almost unbearable. I sometimes wear something of his but I am so afraid it wil get worn out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JohnS Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 Yeah, we're kind of under the gun to clean out Diane's apartment, but I've already taken some keepsakes that I wanted. She used to collect teddy bears, and now a few of those little guys reside in my house. It's funny what you take and what isn't as important. Sometimes it's a goofy, cheap little thing that means a lot, while some more expensive item I leave. No matter what you do or how you handle it - it's hard as hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamE Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 I lost my beautiful wife to ovarian cancer on Oct 4th...I am having a hard time with the Holidays right now...this pain and grief is sometimes getting the best of me.. One day at a time...everyday is a new day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JohnS Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 SamE - my GF died the day before Thanksgiving. To each his own, but I've "cancelled" Christmas this year. No decorating, no cards sent out. No nothing. Not trying to make any kind of statement - I just have no interest in doing anything. So be it. Can't wait for January 2 - get past all this so-called merriment. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamE Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 19 minutes ago, JohnS said: SamE - my GF died the day before Thanksgiving. To each his own, but I've "cancelled" Christmas this year. No decorating, no cards sent out. No nothing. Not trying to make any kind of statement - I just have no interest in doing anything. So be it. Can't wait for January 2 - get past all this so-called merriment. Hang in there. Amen to that...at this point I made it thru Thanksgiving...but I really could care less about Christmas this year...and the New Years... I also understand it is hard for ALL of us that has lost a loved one... I hope you find some peace at this hard time...I am still searching for it myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted December 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 I won't be decorating but I did send out some cards, nothing too jolly. I don't want people to cut me off, maybe just a gentle reminder that I am here - alone. Also more than ever, everybody needs some cheering up this year Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 9, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted December 9, 2020 Having just had hand surgery a month ago and still in a lot of pain, will not be making & sending Christmas cards this year. I never know until the day of if I can go to my son's for Christmas because I live in snow country, the days are short, and it's a five hour round trip. It's hard to "feel it" at any rate. I'd rather go in the summer, no holidays, when I can stay the night. This summer he was never home/available. I miss seeing my kids and grandkids, but am not really into this holiday stuff...to me it's another occasion to maybe see my kids, but short lived and over quickly. I do the tree/stockings in George's memory, he loved it! But for me it will never be the same. Normally I can focus on the religious aspect but with the pandemic, nothing is the same at church either, no choir, nothing. This is the darkest year on the face of the earth, so it seems. But nothing can surpass the year I lost George and losing my Arlie as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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