My wife

[Kevinb1311]

I lost my wife of 17yrs on the 13th November to cancer . Everyday I miss her with all my heart my life is empty and the will to live has gone. I just want to be with her . 

[Dawn Lee]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The void that death of a spouse leaves is life changing. What to do now?? How can we move on in their absence?

[Diane R. E.]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Everyone on this site is so supportive and there is lots of information on other postings, so I encourage you to read them. My husband passed away 2 months ago today after a brief illness. I know what you mean about losing the will to live without your partner. I don't want to live a life without my husband, yet find the way to live one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other. Others on this site provide words of wisdom that helped me so much. Your brain knows your wife would want you to keep living, but it doesn't help the hurt in your heart right now. Keep coming here often - everyone is going through their own unique grief experience, but we understand what each other is going through. ((Hugs))

[Kevinb1311]

ty for your kind thoughts it is so hard

[Diane R. E.]

Yes it is - the hardest thing we have ever had to do! Please tell us more about your wife when you feel up to it. 

[Kevinb1311]

My wife’s name was Christina Bryan she died at the age of 60 of metastasis cancer which had got to her spine and skull. She was my life we spent time playing lawn bowls together though she was much better then me reaching national titles in New Zealand . She also a very rare auto immune disease called Castlemans disease which she had fought for 9 years getting an infusion every month . We found out she had cancer in February this year and went through 3 different types of chemo all making her more sick it was hard to watch my beautiful wife dying , I wished I could have taken all the pain away without her life is meaning less .

 

[Maria_PI]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I know how much it hurts and can relate as I lost my husband and soulmate to cancer 6 months ago. The memory of his last painful months going through chemotherapy after chemotherapy without any effect other than weakening, diminishing and more pain, is just so gruesome! Sometimes I wish that if death was to be inevitable that it came without pain and suffering. But the hope kept him going. He had so much strive for life and love, he was the soul of us, and now I am left without soul and without meaning. I try to get though it one day at a time and remind myself that he wouldn’t want me suffering and being miserable but it’s hard. I miss him so much!
I keep coming here and reading, it helps to know that there are others who understand, so hopefully you can find some consolation in these threads and find it in yourself to keep going, for her if not for yourself.


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[Yoli]

Kevin, I totally know where you are coming from yet I still get up day after day, put one foot in front of the other. That's all we can do right now. 

The 13th will mark 7 months since my partner passed. It will mark just one month for your wife. This is such a painful road to travel. I hope you have good support.

I, too am in NZ (South Island).

 

 

 

 

[SharedLife]

8 hours ago, Kevinb1311 said:

it is so hard

I lost my wife of 52 years, 5-1/2 months ago.  I shared your thoughts: I wanted to join her.  But my father committed suicide and it had negative effects on the entire family.  I couldn't knowingly inflict that same grief and anguish on my family.  So I'm sticking around. For my kids, my grandkids, and my dog.  Everybody says the pain is reduced with time.  Mine has diminished slightly after 5-1/2 months, but I'm still a mental & emotional mess. But I'm going to give it time, to see if they're right.  I hope you give it time, too...especially if you've got family.

[KayC]

@Kevinb1311  I add my sorrow to the others here at your loss.  It's a club none of us wanted to join but I'm thankful for this place, it was a place such as this that helped me when I went through the loss of my husband.  The journey is unique yet has commonalities as well.  Best piece of advice I got was to take a day at a time, a loss such as this can send our anxiety soaring!  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Lars M]

Hi Kevin I lost my wife of 30 years also when she was just 60 years old way to young she looked and acted like she was 25 until the Cancer came within 3 months she went from swimming 30laps at the pool to dead. All the plans for the future gone but I still have the memories of our past. I find it very comforting to come here and read others stories and sometimes vent myself. I hope you find a little peace each day take care of yourself and be grateful for the time you did have with her. I know that sounds weird but someone told me that newly in and it finally made sense.  

[Kevinb1311]

Thank you for all the kind messages and help at present i have being sent to see a psycholigist for help with my suicidail thoughts. Trying to take each day infact each hour hour by hour but struggling, still dont want to be here . Life is so unfair. Hope you are all ok and making it through everyday.

[Lars M]

I went to a grief counselor I too was have some very dark thoughts I could not accept it! Why her and not me she was such a kind soul I really struggled with that I still do today in fact has been very hard I went to the store and I see couples getting ready for Christmas and I remember those days. Enough of that the grief counselor did help me and I pray it will help you. 

[Perro J]

My sincere condolences towards your loss. I lost my love in July of this year. Cancer was discovered in March. Cancer is merciless and I hate that it killed her.

I understand your feelings right now perfectly. I too want to "go back" or "go catch up with her".

What has buoyed me through this so far is the knowledge that she does not want me to suffer. She wants me to continue to have a meaningful life. Her death does not mean the end of our love for one another.

The road ahead hurts and will hurt for longer than you would wish it to. However, the intensity will eventually lessen. I can't tell you exactly when - it is different for everyone. It also ebbs and tides. I think the best advice I can offer is simply bear and endure for now. Grieving is a lot of crying, anger, sadness, and sorrow. I wish you did not have to be here with us but I welcome you nonetheless.

I wish you solace.

[Leon]

Kevin,

 

I'm only 3 months ahead of you. What Kay wrote in her list struck me... it's not that I want to die, it's more that I dont want to face this pain. Maybe it's different for you, I dont know. I remember the people jumping out of the Twin Towers on 9/11. They didnt want to die either, but the fire made them jump anyway. Our own mind can be a fire. 

You're not alone.

Leon

[SharedLife]

8 hours ago, Perro J said:

What has buoyed me through this so far is the knowledge that she does not want me to suffer. She wants me to continue to have a meaningful life. Her death does not mean the end of our love for one another.

Well said

[LoveNeverDies]

Leon, you hit the nail on the head. 

[LoveNeverDies]

Kevin, I hope we can help you here. I know it’s helped me knowing other people are going through this same horrific pain and understand what I am going though. I can blurt out my feelings without judgment here. Some people in my life seem to hide from me, almost like grief is a disease that they’re going to catch. I hope you come back and talk , cry, ramble .We are here to help you ! Hugs

[LoveNeverDies]

On 12/7/2020 at 9:38 AM, frenchygirl said:

@LoveNeverDies How are you? Here's to another week of one moment at a time. I've been thinking of you. Please reach out. I feel like we are kindred spirits and in this together. That seems silly, but I have found solace in that. 

 

13 hours ago, Leon said:

Kevin,

 

I'm only 3 months ahead of you. What Kay wrote in her list struck me... it's not that I want to die, it's more that I dont want to face this pain. Maybe it's different for you, I dont know. I remember the people jumping out of the Twin Towers on 9/11. They didnt want to die either, but the fire made them jump anyway. Our own mind can be a fire. 

You're not alone.

Leon

 

18 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

I'm so thankful you have some peace. I wear one of my loves' favorite t-shirts to bed every night. I talk to his picture as I lay down to sleep. I'm thankful we have those little things that are special to our hearts that help us remember. I feel like we are so lucky to have had a glimpse of what true love is. I will never forget how he made me feel or the way he made me laugh. May we heal....but never forget....

I talk to him too, I hope he can hear me when I tell him that I love him 

[frenchygirl]

Kevin, I think it's ok to take the day one minute by one minute right now. That's what I have to do. I lost my love on Nov 3 to a suicide. I can tell you it is a deep grief I feel. I have also had those thoughts and even a plan...but he wouldn't want that for me. I have gotten help from a therapist and a dr. Please get yourself some help. The world needs you! Someone can learn from you and what you will walk through. We are all here to help, support and listen. I have found some solace here. 

[Kevinb1311]

ty and i am so sorry for your loss.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Leon said:

it's not that I want to die, it's more that I dont want to face this pain.

Exactly, that's what I realized was behind my suicidal thoughts when George died...it's not that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to live with life's new terms.    I'm glad I stuck it out through all of the struggles though, I would not want to put my sisters or kids through this kind of hell.  And I'm glad I have not missed one ounce of the joy or good that has come my way, the friends I've made and sharing time with them...this year it's hard to keep everything in perspective with the lock down.  I'm so thankful for my puppy.  He brings me more joy than I could have foreseen.  Yet grief is palpable for my husband and for the pets I've lost in the years since, esp. Arlie.

I've learned that life is a mixture of good and bad, and we have to survive the bad to experience the good.  I would do it all over again (relationship with George) 1,000%!  Even with the pain it's brought me in these years since losing him.  At least I know love and have my memories.

50 minutes ago, frenchygirl said:

Kevin, I think it's ok to take the day one minute by one minute right now. That's what I have to do.

Me too, even 15 1/2 years later!  It's how I've learned to do life now.

20 hours ago, Perro J said:

The road ahead hurts and will hurt for longer than you would wish it to. However, the intensity will eventually lessen. I can't tell you exactly when - it is different for everyone. It also ebbs and tides. I think the best advice I can offer is simply bear and endure for now. Grieving is a lot of crying, anger, sadness, and sorrow. I wish you did not have to be here with us but I welcome you nonetheless.

I wish you solace.

Amen to all of this!

[SamE]

On 12/6/2020 at 11:49 PM, Maria_PI said:

I am so sorry you are going through this! I know how much it hurts and can relate as I lost my husband and soulmate to cancer 6 months ago. The memory of his last painful months going through chemotherapy after chemotherapy without any effect other than weakening, diminishing and more pain, is just so gruesome! Sometimes I wish that if death was to be inevitable that it came without pain and suffering. But the hope kept him going. He had so much strive for life and love, he was the soul of us, and now I am left without soul and without meaning. I try to get though it one day at a time and remind myself that he wouldn’t want me suffering and being miserable but it’s hard. I miss him so much!
I keep coming here and reading, it helps to know that there are others who understand, so hopefully you can find some consolation in these threads and find it in yourself to keep going, for her if not for yourself.


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

 

I also watched my beautiful wife go thru pain and suffering for 1 year...it is haunting me...the memories are horrible.

My words are barbaric...all the surgeries (9 total this year)...3 different types of chemo...all the damn drugs...I hate that f$$ked up disease...ovarian cancer...cancer sucks.

Today was my first REAL MAD day...9 weeks after her death...I screamed so much in my house today that I have almost lost my voice...I think I am going to scream some more.

 

[jmmosley53]

Kevin,

I too am sorry for your loss and the pain that you are enduring right now.  It is 8 months since I lost my husband of 46 years.  At first I too did not want to live without him.  Although I was never a religious person, I did believe in an after life.  I fixated on my husband going to heaven, I didn't kill myself so I could go to heaven too.

In the beginning I cried all day, I threw myself on the floor and wait for death to take me, but I had to go to the bathroom so I got up off the floor.  

I still cry a lot but not as much as before.  I have had a few moments where something happened that made me smile.  I miss my husband so much, it is very painful some times.  But I have been able to move forward.  I am slowly beginning to focus on some of the bigger household tasks. 

8 months time doesn't help that much but it does a little.  Being able to focus on something other than grief does not mean you are grieving less.  I think I  have created a grief box in my mind and I can leave it briefly and focus on some other compartment in my brain for a little while.  

[Leon]

6 hours ago, SamE said:

I also watched my beautiful wife go thru pain and suffering for 1 year...it is haunting me...the memories are horrible.

My words are barbaric...all the surgeries (9 total this year)...3 different types of chemo...all the damn drugs...I hate that f$$ked up disease...ovarian cancer...cancer sucks.

13 months from diagnosis (stage IIIc ovarian cancer) to the last day. Yes, all the pain she suffered through. The countless hours at the hospital. The many curve balls with every update on her health. And we thought she would beat it. I hear you, Sam.

[Kevinb1311]

I want you all to know that being here hearing you talki about your loss and hearing how you are coping is starting to help me , Last  friday night i had had enough and took an od ended up in hospital, even with all there help and the mental health care it is hard to listen too when they really dont know what we are going through, and on Monday of this week i Came across this site and would like to thank everyone who has written and shared there experiance with grief from my heart

[SharedLife]

8 hours ago, SamE said:

I also watched my beautiful wife go thru pain and suffering for 1 year...it is haunting me...the memories are horrible.

I'm sorry you have to experience that, Sam.  It's the same for me.  My wife was bedridden for the last year and in constant pain. She showed remarkable strength, almost never complaining. I've been assembling some photo albums, hoping to fill my memory banks with good thoughts about our time together. Yet it seems no matter how hard I try to push back the bad memories, they surface.

[frenchygirl]

6 hours ago, Kevinb1311 said:

I want you all to know that being here hearing you talki about your loss and hearing how you are coping is starting to help me , Last  friday night i had had enough and took an od ended up in hospital, even with all there help and the mental health care it is hard to listen too when they really dont know what we are going through, and on Monday of this week i Came across this site and would like to thank everyone who has written and shared there experiance with grief from my heart

Kevin, my heart breaks for you. It is very hard to listen to people that are not walking the same path as you. I know they mean well, but it doesn't do much for my already broken heart. Someone text me last night and asked how I was doing. I hate that question too....my answer: better than I was three weeks ago. I'm not here to tell you how to do this because I don't even know. I still cry every day and I still think about my love constantly...I choose to go on and honor his life. I choose to show the world that it can't break me. But as I write this, I'm crying because I'm so broken....

[SamE]

10 hours ago, Leon said:

13 months from diagnosis (stage IIIc ovarian cancer) to the last day. Yes, all the pain she suffered through. The countless hours at the hospital. The many curve balls with every update on her health. And we thought she would beat it. I hear you, Sam.

It sounds like our wife's and ourselves had the same hard experience with the f$$ked up cancer crap...I HATE CANCER.

8 hours ago, SharedLife said:

I'm sorry you have to experience that, Sam.  It's the same for me.  My wife was bedridden for the last year and in constant pain. She showed remarkable strength, almost never complaining. I've been assembling some photo albums, hoping to fill my memory banks with good thoughts about our time together. Yet it seems no matter how hard I try to push back the bad memories, they surface.

Hey Leon...same here...I am trying to keep the terrible memories out of my mind...but it is so hard right now...especially right now during the Holidays...I wish you the best and hope it gets better for you soon.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

In the beginning I cried all day, I threw myself on the floor and wait for death to take me, but I had to go to the bathroom so I got up off the floor.  

I love this!  It so depicts how we feel!  Those who get to die together or soon after are the lucky ones, what's hard is surviving/struggling through this.

18 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Being able to focus on something other than grief does not mean you are grieving less.  I think I  have created a grief box in my mind and I can leave it briefly and focus on some other compartment in my brain for a little while. 

It's good that you can do this.  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html  I did not have to mete out my grief, I had to go back to work and do my best to focus on it, although I had some meltdowns even then, but off work and Grief found me and haunted me, more than I wished.

 

[Kevinb1311]

6 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

Kevin, my heart breaks for you. It is very hard to listen to people that are not walking the same path as you. I know they mean well, but it doesn't do much for my already broken heart. Someone text me last night and asked how I was doing. I hate that question too....my answer: better than I was three weeks ago. I'm not here to tell you how to do this because I don't even know. I still cry every day and I still think about my love constantly...I choose to go on and honor his life. I choose to show the world that it can't break me. But as I write this, I'm crying because I'm so broken....

 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I love this!  It so depicts how we feel!  Those who get to die together or soon after are the lucky ones, what's hard is surviving/struggling through this.

It's good that you can do this.  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html  I did not have to mete out my grief, I had to go back to work and do my best to focus on it, although I had some meltdowns even then, but off work and Grief found me and haunted me, more than I wished.

 

TY and i hate that same question too HOW ARE YOU DOING. Hope in all our own way we get through this together.

[Dawn Lee]

Im so sorry for your loss. 

[SamE]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I love this!  It so depicts how we feel!  Those who get to die together or soon after are the lucky ones, what's hard is surviving/struggling through this.

 

My wife passed away on Oct 4th...her mother that lived right down the road from us passed away on Oct 20th...we guess from a broken heart.

[Diane R. E.]

I'm so sorry for your losses. I believe that a broken heart from such a significant loss is possible. In the beginning, the hurt I felt over losing my husband was so painful I had actual chest pain. (((Hugs)))

[KayC]

I did too, I had panic attacks and they felt like heart attacks.  Been on anxiety meds, non-SSRI, low dose, for years now, no attacks for many years though, maybe they're helping keep it at bay.

Sam, I'm sorry her mom died of a broken heart, very hard to lose your child.  I don't know how I lived through such heartbreak but I guess it must not be my time yet...here I still am.

[Kevinb1311]

hope everyone has made it through christmas and now into a new year wishing everyone peace and happiness in this time of loss

[Gail 8588]

Glad you made it through the holiday as well.  Wishing everyone a better 2021.

Gail

[Missy1]

Kevin, this was my first instinct to, trust me, we have all done and experienced  many of the same things. I took all his meds they put him on and blended them up, about 300 pills and capsules. I almost died, but survival instinct kicked in, I took myself to the ER via Uber. Was humiliating and I feel so ashamed. I had a good friend talk to the mental Heath counselor to convince them I was not at risk and they should let me go. I was released but it was very traumatic and I kept it secret. The pain is overwhelming but I now think that I just cannot inflict that pain of loss on other. I know he is crying out in heaven for me and those left behind. Life is short, our day will come in it’s our time.

[Kevinb1311]

Hi Missy that true and its good to see you made it thru I am still under acute trauma care and get my meds weekly but it is helping.

 

[Missy1]

Glad it’s helping, this loss is tremendous and we need all the help we can get. Many here have found a way to carry this loss in a place where they can function. I am still struggling and learning how to survive in this new world. I feel stronger knowing that there are people here who fought through this and found some way to see the light again. Please take it one day at a time, we don’t judge anyone here, we understand. 

[Leon]

5 hours ago, Kevinb1311 said:

hope everyone has made it through christmas and now into a new year wishing everyone peace and happiness in this time of loss

Doing much better now than a few weeks ago. Pain is the same, but I seem to be able to deal with it better. I started taking agility training with my female dog, just like my wife used to do. I thought it would be good for the dog, but it's even better for me. One step at a time..

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Kevin, this was my first instinct to, trust me, we have all done and experienced  many of the same things. I took all his meds they put him on and blended them up, about 300 pills and capsules. I almost died, but survival instinct kicked in, I took myself to the ER via Uber. Was humiliating and I feel so ashamed. I had a good friend talk to the mental Heath counselor to convince them I was not at risk and they should let me go. I was released but it was very traumatic and I kept it secret. The pain is overwhelming but I now think that I just cannot inflict that pain of loss on other. I know he is crying out in heaven for me and those left behind. Life is short, our day will come in it’s our time.

Missy, it took a lot of courage for you to share that with us, and I don't regard that lightly, that you are able to do so shows your trust in us and your closeness to us.  I feel we're like a family here, one of our own making.  That means a lot, esp. in a time with this isolation.  (((hugs)))  I'm glad you had second thoughts and they were able to save you.  I knew someone all his life and worked with him, was close to his whole family and he commit suicide, didn't think he could handle one more day.  It was heartbreaking.  His parents had done everything they could for him.  Sometimes our inner pain is just so great.  So important to hold out for us to adjust or something to change a bit, even the least little amount...

 

 

[LoveNeverDies]

15 hours ago, Missy1 said:

The pain is overwhelming but I now think that I just cannot inflict that pain of loss on other. I know he is crying out in heaven for me and those left behind. Life is short, our day will come in it’s our time.

Missy , 

I agree , sometimes the pain is overwhelming . I found myself looking for relief from the pain. I searched online for the most painless way to end my life. But thoughts of my kids, and the pain that it would cause them , made me think that it wasn’t something that I should do. Terry often told me when he was sick , that he was going to miss me . If he only knew just how much I miss him...

I have had better days since then, and I know when my time comes he will be waiting for me in Heaven . 

[frenchygirl]

21 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Glad it’s helping, this loss is tremendous and we need all the help we can get. Many here have found a way to carry this loss in a place where they can function. I am still struggling and learning how to survive in this new world. I feel stronger knowing that there are people here who fought through this and found some way to see the light again. Please take it one day at a time, we don’t judge anyone here, we understand. 

Missy, how brave you are for sharing. My love committed suicide and this has been the biggest battle for my own life. I have thought many times about killing myself. My friend took my gun away from me but I have thought of other ways. But he wouldn't want me to hurt myself like he did. He was struggling with his mental health...he was getting help but it was too much for him. (It's a super long story). I agree...one day at a time...and reach out to people who understand. I talk to people alot but none have experienced what I have. My grief is deep. I remember something and I can laugh and cry at the same time. I still cry every day but I know that it is not my time to leave this earth. You guys, 2020 sucked so bad....I'm ready for some light in my heart...much love and hugs! 

[KayC]

I used to think of this like him being on the longest trip he's ever been on, faith holding me until we can be together again...but this is so far beyond all that, it's been 15 1/2 years, it feels like a lifetime ago since he's held me.  I have memories of that time, but oh how long it's been.