Sudden Loss of Spouse

[Overwhelmed and lost]

In August 2020 my spouse suddenly died at home in his room.  We were married 40 years.  While it is still very hard to get through each day alone, a small blessing to me is that he did not suffer long or much and firmly believe he has gone to a better place. 

[Missy1]

So difficult to deal with losing the person we loved so deeply. Everything in life is part of the life you both built. I am so sorry for your loss.  This is a kind, compassionate place, we understand like no one else can. It has been 10 months for m, lost my husband of 30 years, I am still so badly broken. I cry and melt down out of the blue, so many triggers. I miss him dearly every day, I hope you will stay and read and learn, it helps me to know I am not alone. 

[LMR]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.I too lost my husband in August. We had been together 48years. Today was one of those really bad days. I came back from the store and the second I opened the door I started to cry. I am still crying 3 hours later. It really does help to know I'm not the only one and I can sit here and read everyone's stories and cry for us all.

[Overwhelmed and lost]

LMR, I am sorry to hear you lost your spouse this year after 48 years. That is a long time to be together and something you will be glad to realize some day what a blessing you had each other that long.  A bad day here too I miss hearing the tv and my cell phone ringing and ron laughing and grinning...as you said it does help to know there are people who experience similar situations and can provide support to each other.

[Overwhelmed and lost]

Missy, thank you for your kind words.  Simple things can trigger memories and there's that flood of emotions again.  My husband had started wearing cabbie type hats and for some reason today seeing one hanging on the wall in his room made me just lose it for little while.  It is good to know there are kind compassionate people here and hope to find the right words that will help you and others carry on through life. 

 

[Missy1]

Just by speaking about these things helps so many. Triggers, thanks for sharing,  I saw his jacket that I had left in the back of the SUV, I pulled it up and sunk my whole face into it today and just inhaled his scent. It crushed me but made me feel so connected.

Sharing on how to make it through these times helps. I come here because I feel connected to people here, if we pool our thoughts and experience we can help each other.  

 

[KayC]

Welcome here, although I'm very sorry for the reason behind it, your loss.    My sister just lost her husband a couple of months ago, they were married 50 years, didn't get to do anything special for their anniversary being in the pandemic shutdown, but I brought them a meal and a handmade card.  I lost my soulmate, the love of my life, best friend, 15 1/2 years ago, unexpectedly.  We didn't get to have a long marriage, and I felt gypped, but I'm glad we did get the time together we did, for the first time in my life, I knew what love is, we adored each other and were so happy together.

I've lost many people, many animals, over the years, but this was by far the hardest...losing my dog Arlie last year felt much like that all over again.  These people here are the ones who loved their spouses and truly suffered loss the day they died.  We want to be here for you, to listen, to understand, and care.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.