Still in Shock

[Stellasmom]

My husband was my soulmate and the love of my life.  We met on a blind date in August 1991, got engaged in January, and were married in December of 1992. I knew  after that first date that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. Little did I know that it would only last until the rest of his life.  He gained his Angel Wings on July 25, 2020.  I am still in shock.  I found him at 5:30 AM on the living room floor and I have been living in a nightmare ever since.  He looked like he was sleeping.  Peaceful.  But, as soon as I saw him I know he was no longer living.  I re-live that trauma several times a day.  I can't get the picture out of my head.  I still can't believe he's gone.  He was my whole world for almost 30 years.  He was only 56 years old.  I am heart broken and feel so alone.  It's hard living without him.    

 

 

[Missy1]

I am so sorry you are going through this pain and grief. We all are connected here by the common thread of losing our soul mate, being set a drift in a new unfamiliar universe. My husband was only 58, once we met we were connected and never left each other’s side. 
I understand that feeling and shock of seeing or finding our love, unexpectedly dead or ushering them to to death. It’s an experience one can never shake. I to see it over and over, It’s just as devastating each time I replay it.

I agree it’s is so hard to live in a world without them, there is nothing we can do about it. I wish you peace and strength, we all need to keep going, hopefully finding some joy someday.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Stellasmom,

My condolences'.  I can not even imagine what it would feel like to find my beloved body and have that imagine in my head.  I am grateful that I do not have such an image to deal with.  My husband passed away in the hospital in April.  During that time hospitals would not allow visitors at all.  Because I was not allowed to see him I was left to imagine.  Imagination can be wonderful or cruel.  Sometimes I imagine he slipped away peacefully, other time I imagine him struggling to breath, alone and afraid. But no matter what my imagination conjures up I am glad that I do not have the awful experience of finding my beloved gone.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it is tremendous.  We didn't get all those years, but wanted the rest of our lives together.  We were soulmates and best friends, always together when not working.  He died unexpectedly right after his 51st birthday.  To say it was a shock is an understatement.  That was 15 1/2 years ago.  I hope you will keep coming here, it is a place such as this that literally saved me when it happened as our friends all disappeared overnight and my family, although they cared, did not have a clue what it was like.  It helps to have others here that "get it."

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.