Why

[Faith1989]

So this weekend my friends put together a big offroad memorial ride for my love, Faith! I really didn't want to do it at first but they talked me into so I agreed. I race offroad professionally so it was good to go out and get back in the seat and do what I've always loved to do and Faith did too! But the crazy thing was on Friday night when we got to Parker, Arizona we went to dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant there where faith and me always went when we where in Parker. I walked inside with my brother and then walked back outside for second and picked up my phone to call faith and then totally realized everything. For a second i didn't know what the hell was wrong with me and got super frustrating at myself for doing it. I had a good cry and then we went back in. I think about her all day everyday and just wonder why I was so mad at myself for that! She was my world and my everything and she loved to support me through everything and I did the same thing!

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's easy to beat yourself up during this time; grief and guilt are old friends. Try to keep that in mind and take it into account as coming with the territory and try to be forgiving to yourself. I hope you find this site helpful. I worked up a little site with some things I wished someone had told me when I lost the love of my life here FWIW: https://griefhelp.webs.com/grieving  Also Kay has a great list of similar things (more comprehensive than mine, I think) which you can easily find if you bounce around here a bit, though she may be on and post it at some point here.  

[jmmosley53]

Hi Faith1989,

Maybe you were having one of those 'slap in the face realization moments' when you have to admit - they are gone and their not coming back.  I seem to have those realization moments fairly often now being 7 months away from my beloveds death.

They hurt, like a knife in the heart.  I know he is gone.  I have known that for a long time now but, when faced with the thought so suddenly and unexpectedly the pain seems acute and I get aggravated with myself for allowing such painful thoughts into my head in what might have otherwise been an okay occasion.

I don't want to drive thoughts of my husband out of my head - I wish all my thoughts were happy recollections not painful realizations of loss.

I hope for you that those moments are fewer and farther  in between.

[KayC]

Welcome here.  I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through and it sure changes us and our lives.  Especially in the early months/years we get hit with triggers like this and then they slap us into reality and it's like their death hitting us all over again.  Very hard!  There came a day when they slowed down in coming and part of me was relieved but then a part of me also felt hit that I wasn't getting hit anymore, that I was beginning to realize my loss so that I no longer expected his phone calls, or coming home.  It had finally seeped into my subconscious.  Pretty much anything and everything we feel, think, experience can be considered normal in grief.  Some feelings can seem incongruent with each other and yet both perfectly valid and understandable!

I want to leave you with the aforementioned article I wrote a few years ago following the loss of my husband.  I hope you will save it because what you are going through right now will evolve so that different things will strike you in it later on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.