6 Weeks in

[Chris Gasperini]

My husband of 48+ years died 6 weeks ago yesterday of a massive heart attack. We had a great relationship and were very active; traveling, hiking and in general enjoying our retired lifestyle that we had worked so hard together to enjoy. I miss him every second of every day! I looked up this website because with COVID 19 I am worried about attending any groups in person. How do you keep moving forward? I am trying to live alone....its lonely. I do have two sons but their lives are busy and although they come often and check up on me by phone, the loneliness is real. Ideas? I do have two dogs that force me out of bed (that's good) but I live in a rainy environment which keeps walking limited. 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Chris,

I truly am sorry for your loss.  At only 6 weeks of grief I imagine you are still very much in shock.  That you get up and care for your pets is moving forward.  I am glad your sons check in on you, but I imagine that you are lonely for your husband not just members of the family although they must be of some comfort.

Take your time - allow yourself the time you need to grieve your loss.  Everyone deals with grief differently and over different lengths of time.  By reading the posts on this forum you may find words others offer that ring true for you.  There are posts that could help you realize moving forward can be big or baby steps.

My advise is to take good care of yourself.  Eat well, sleep, and reach out when you need to.

[Gail 8588]

Chris, 

Welcome to the site. I am so very sorry for your loss. 

I share your feelings of loneliness.  My husband and I were together for 40 years. We also have 2 sons, who check on me but are busy with their own lives. I live alone. 

In this pandemic our loneliness is magnified. Not only is the companionship of my love gone, but nearly all other human contact is gone.  It is very difficult.

Right now your grief is so new and raw, it is hard to do anything at all.  On top of the waves of sadness, there is often a brain fog that makes it hard to make any decisions or accomplish even routine tasks. You're doing great if you are able to do 1/10th of what you would normally do. Just focus on getting through one day at a time. Especially as we go through this first holiday season, just breathing through the pain is challenge enough.

Later on, as you feel more able, my only suggestion is to try to find things that keep you busy. Paint the dining room walls, take an on-line class, sew cloth face masks to give away, garden next spring, anything to occupy the hours.  

I spent too much time doing nothing but missing my former life and it is not helpful or healthy. I am trying to engage in life more. Right now I am trying to learn piano from a CD and a book.  Hoping that like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, by the end of Covid, I will be able to play beautifully. 

Don't be hard on yourself if there are days you are not able to do anything at all. My husband died in 2017 and I still struggle with the loneliness. 

I am so sorry you have joined us on this journey. None of us chose to be here, but we are all trying to find a way to go on without the love of our lives by our side.  Come here to rant and rave, question or give comfort. We understand how it is to have your life shattered to pieces.  Sometimes knowing you are not alone is comfort enough. 

Gail

 

[Knvsmom]

Hi Chris,

 I'm sorry for your loss. I understand your pain.

I wasn't with my husband as long as you were with your loved one. We only got a little over 19 years together. I lost my husband suddenly on the 26th of September. Just like you, my girls are grown and have their own lives. I have 2 small dogs also. We were over the road Team Truck Drivers so we didn't stay in one place long enough to make friends or develop friendships. He was not only my best friend, he was my support system. I'm so alone & very lost without him.

I wish I could give you some advice on how to combat the loneliness, but for me I do good just to get out of bed some days. Then when I do, I just do the bare minimum to get through whatever needs to be done & go through the motions of life.

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy or maybe something you've always wanted to try like pottery, painting, or learning an instrument? Do you enjoy blogging, or how about cooking and you could post videos of you preparing your favorite recipes?
Maybe these suggestions will help. I pray things get easier for you as time goes on. Be kind to yourself as you go through the grief process.

[Diane R. E.]

Hi Chris; I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm a newbie too - my husband passed away 5 weeks ago tomorrow. I too, miss him every second of the day. We didn't have children and I only have 1 sister who lives close by. But she has her own live to live too. The only thing that keeps me going is forcing myself to follow a routine every day. (Of course there are times when I just sit and cry because I miss him SO much.) I like the suggestion of getting into a hobby. I had already planned that when I retired I would get family photos organized and scanned into my computer. I just started that project and am going to make montages for my immediate family members. There are other good suggestions on this site too; I hope you keep reading them and know everyone knows what we're going through!

[KayC]

On 11/8/2020 at 9:30 AM, Chris Gasperini said:

My husband of 48+ years died 6 weeks ago yesterday of a massive heart attack. We had a great relationship and were very active; traveling, hiking and in general enjoying our retired lifestyle that we had worked so hard together to enjoy. I miss him every second of every day! I looked up this website because with COVID 19 I am worried about attending any groups in person. How do you keep moving forward? I am trying to live alone....its lonely. I do have two sons but their lives are busy and although they come often and check up on me by phone, the loneliness is real. Ideas? I do have two dogs that force me out of bed (that's good) but I live in a rainy environment which keeps walking limited. 

Welcome here, I am very sorry for your loss.  I lead a grief support group and find it very meaningful...not all are the same, it's as individual as those leading it and those attending, materials used, etc.  We have not been able to meet during COVID but I want to when this is under better control.  Grief counseling can also vary, it's good to try and if you don't resonate with the first counselor, try another.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[DMB]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I once counted the number of hours I went without speaking a word.  I know once I get going with good meal plan, exercise, work, chores, small socials, keeping close to my adult kids and their lives, everything might seem manageable.  Then, there's a problem.  Covid, the election, landlord and plumbing issues not being resolved.  The getting going with a routine goes right down the toilet.  I'm cutting myself a break right now until the end of this year.  Mostly because I'm still angry.  I'm better at not being so scared at night, but the first mouse I see in the house may get me committed! 

Thank you all for sharing.  I have a piano, it was from my childhood.  When my parents dies and we sold the house I kept it.  I can hardly play now.  Had lessons as a child and played right up through most of high school.  Now, I have trouble reading the music let alone playing.  It's frustrating that it's a complete "start over" for me.  So I haven't really tried, but I am hoping too once I can gather up some more patience. I should look into some on line lessons. Great idea!

[Chris Gasperini]

Thank you all for such great advice. I am so sad any of us have to be here...sharing this pain but it is better than going it all alone. I am focusing on 'tasks' each day trying to accomplish not only my own jobs but those that Larry did each day as well. Keeping busy seems to help me not focus on the loss as much. Maybe I am a bit in denial still....I just can't think about it all the time or I feel like I might go crazy. Yesterday my car wouldn't start after dinner at a restaurant with a friend. A kind person took my friend and I home. I called triple A the following morning to get the car towed to a garage to be fixed. Because my car had a tow bar on the front (to be towed by our motorhome) and I was driving a pickup, the tow truck driver said, "Why didn't you just tow your own vehicle". I replied, "Because I don't know how and my husband just passed away"! I wanted to scream at him....I didn't but we just never know the hell people are going through! It is so difficult to manage daily tasks and problems that arise when you are so used to sharing those duties with your person. It seems like every single day something comes in sideways! 

[jmmosley53]

Hi Chris,

I am probably the most evil person for doing it but, in a situation like you had with the wrecker driver, I would play the grief card. 

Since I know I'd be on the verge of tears anyway, instead of getting mad, I'd give into my tears and screw the driver, I'd play on his sympathy.  Make him feel a little guilty for making me cry.  

Note I never did this to anyone but it pops into my mind that I might do it.

[KayC]

No you are not evil at all!  Sometimes we just need people to care or understand!  Even just a little bit.  I know I have not gone camping since George died, 15 1/2 years ago.  We loved it and did so nearly every weekend in the summer.  II gave our trailer to my son.