New here and feeling lost and crazy at the same time.

[Jennifer15]

Hi everyone,

I lost my love, my rock, my soul mate on 10/22/2020. He was in a truck driving accident at work and didn’t survive. He was 35 years old. I am so lost and devastated without him. I was 16 and he was 17 when we got together (high school sweethearts). Although we never got married we still love each other very much. I lost my mom at 16, lost my dad at 20, lost my grandpa on my birthday in 2012. I have already been through tremendous loss and was only able to get through it because of him. He was with me through all of it and I have never been alone until now. We had all these hopes and dreams. We were going to be in the process to moving to Florida because we are Disney lovers and wanted to be close to disneyworld. We were going to get married before we bought our house. Now I can’t ever imagine going back to Disney without him. We never had children so I have no one and feel so alone. I have been having such crazy thoughts going through my head the last 2 weeks. I worry if it’s true or not that we see our loved ones again when we die? I can’t imagine never seeing him or my loved ones ever again. I don’t want to continue living anymore but I’m also scared to die. I’m scared of dying alone and no one will be around to carry out my wishes. I’m scared that no one will ever love me because he will always be in my mind and heart. I don’t think I could ever commit to someone else like that ever again and no one is going to put up with that. Never would I have thought that at 34 I would be dealing with all of this. January will be such a hard month. It’s our 19th anniversary, his birthday, and my birthday just days apart. It is also when we were taking our next trip to Disney and to start our moving to Florida process. Now In an instant everything has been taken from me. I always told him that he needed to live longer than me because I couldn’t take going through this anymore. With my health issues and family history, I was sure it would have been me first. I keep wondering what I have done to deserve the life that has been handed to me. Why do all the people that matter most to me, leave me. I feel like I’m never going to be able to get through this and that I will be alone and miserable for the rest of what remains of my life. I feel I have no future except just living because I have to at this point. 

[jmmosley53]

Oh Jennifer15, I am so sorry for your loss.  You have lost so many people already in your young life, going through the loss of your beloved must cut very deep.

Try as best you can to not think about long term stuff right now.  It is hard enough to get through the day to day grief.  You didn't do anything to deserve the loss of your loved one, it was a tragic accident.

I believe we will see our loved ones when we die, I hold on to that with every fiber of my being.

I know my husband would not want me to suffer and be filled with devastating pain.  I also know that my husband was worth shedding tears over.  I loved him with all my heart and my heart feels broken right now but, I know I have to put one foot in front of the other.  There is no choice about that, the world turns and time goes on.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, so young to go through this!  My husband had just turned 51 when he suddenly died, totally unexpected.  I didn't see how I could live without him, that was over 15 years ago.  Growing old alone was not in our plans.

I don't think it has anything to do with our deservedness or not, life is unfair and for certain grief is.  Not one day has gone by but what I think of my husband, and now I've lost my soulmate in a dog too as well as my 25 year old cat.  It took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose, and more years yet to build a life I could live, then this year came COVID and constant pain in my hands, day/night, facing surgery on one Monday, another this summer.  We somehow survive...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I am so very sorry you find yourself here with us.  You and your love are so young.  It always hurts my heart so much knowing that you are facing such a loss now--Not that there's ever a "good" or "better" time because there isn't.

I want to reassure you that it does not matter to us that you were not married.  You are clearly soulmates and were in many ways lucky to find each other so early in life.  Of course you won't feel that now.  How can you?  You were really just starting out on a big adventure together and that has been ripped away.  No words can express how much I wish you didn't have to feel this pain.

I'm going to urge you to do a couple of things right now.  First, try to stop thinking about things like dying alone or ever going to Disney again.  It's hard.  I know, I've been there and am still there in many ways.  Actually, my love and I are Disney fans too.  I wear his ring along with a gold carved cutout of Sleeping Beauty's Castle on a chain around my neck.  I'm not much of a jewelry girl, but he sneaked back and bought it for me as a surprise one time we'd both noticed it strolling along Main Street in Disneyland.  We had looked forward to taking our granddaughter for her first visit.  Now, I cannot even imagine it.  Maybe one day I will be able to say yes, but not yet.  But I also don't think about it or look too far down the road because it is so painful and frightening.  Try, if you can, to focus on right now, today, and what you need to do to get through it.  Breathe in and out.  And do not expect too much more of yourself at this point.  You may not be a stranger to losing someone you love, but this is different from any other.  It shatters our hearts and lives.  It cannot be understood by anyone who hasn't "been there."  Second, only allow people around you who are supportive and comforting.  I had to kick out a few casual friends because their behavior (pretending my husband had never existed or that my life hadn't been ripped apart) was destructive.

Finally, please keep coming here to talk, to question, and even to "scream" if you need it.  We are here and we will always listen.