Members Missy1 Posted October 30, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2020 I am having a very difficult time with the places that we held sacred, like our jacuzzi, our bed, our traditions. As The cool weather sets in I want nothing more than to snuggle in with him and for us to hunker down watch some TV, play games, laughter, or just conversations.I would bake and cook it we would giggle and laugh maybe drink a little wine together in front of the fire. As the season sets in my body feels like I’m looking for that special place, to feel safe comfortable happy and loved. I feel so lost, I have nothing, alone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted October 30, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 30, 2020 I'm so sorry. I wish I could say I have no idea how that feels. Along with the obvious of the house, there are others; I remember the first time I went into a Lowes (where we went many times on house projects) without her. I almost immediately broke down...thank God I was in an aisle where nobody was! Wishing you some peace somehow and being able to spit in the face of darkness. I hope family and/or friends help, though of course it's not the same, but still worlds better than being truly alone and breaks up the loneliness. I'd also suggest trying to keep busy any way you can, whether it's interaction with others, or reading, watching movies, engaging in hobbies, taking walks, community/volunteer work..basically ANYTHING other than stewing in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Yoli Posted October 30, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2020 I wish I knew the words to make you feel better but we all know only too well that there are no words to make our pain go away or even ease it. All places seem to trigger me whether in the house or out driving around seeing places we used to go. Tonight is a beautiful night and I just know we would have taken our dinner out to the beach. I know it's not much consolation but you have us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 30, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 30, 2020 It's been so long I've been alone, no one to care, no one to talk over our day, no one to help, no one to snuggle with at the end of the day... Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 30, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2020 I still have a very hard time just "going to bed" to sleep in our bed. I try, I really do, but it's hard. There are definitely places that are sacred only to us. The very idea of going to most of them is difficult to fathom. I can't even bring myself to consider taking him to the place where he wanted his ashes to be scattered. It's not just that it's expensive to get there and I have to carefully watch my budget, though that is true, it's also that the idea of being there without him alive and happy makes me queasy and upset. Plus, if I'm completely honest, I'm not ready to literally let go of all I have left of him. Maybe some day I will, but it will be on my terms and in my time. Still, there is one place nearby, the local nature preserve where we used to walk together, with friends, or with our girls. I feel closer to him there and will often, especially on tough or special days, go there and walk through to one of the viewing platforms or sit on the memorial bench that is a tribute to our friends' daughter who died at birth. I talk to him and tell myself that my words are carried to him on the breeze, that he can hear me better there because it is a pure and gentle place. I have a lousy quality snapshot I took with my ancient point-and-shoot digital in a frame in front of him on top of our entertainment center. It's him with our granddaughter at one of the preserve overlooks during the last visit here with our girls before his diagnosis. They are so happy, so sweet together. Maybe that's why I can go there and feel his spirit with me. Some people will never understand why this place or that event are too sacred and too painful for us now because they do not know how deeply our grief and loss affect everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 31, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 31, 2020 We used to walk the nearby trails in nature here but loggers came in and destroyed them and didn't clean up their mess, so I no longer have those haunts to visit, glad he isn't here to see it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted November 2, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted November 2, 2020 On 10/30/2020 at 2:30 PM, foreverhis said: I still have a very hard time just "going to bed" to sleep in our bed. I try, I really do, but it's hard. To say the least; I'm sure most if not all here can relate. There's a reason I'm not in bed until typically about 3 AM (and I'm still working). I so hate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 2, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted November 2, 2020 I can't sleep in our bed, nor can I get rid of it. I sleep in a recliner now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted November 24, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted November 24, 2020 I consider our bed place where we can connect. Some nights or mornings I can hear him in my head, today I heard him. I turned around as I got out of bed and saw a trail of sparkling lights, just a quick flicker on the covers in the dimly lit room. I knew it was him, I had never seen nor heard of such a thing but it felt good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jmmosley53 Posted November 24, 2020 Members Report Share Posted November 24, 2020 When I go to bed at night, I reach over and feel the slight indentation his shoulder made in the mattress. It is comforting to me. My new rescue dog jumped up on the bed one night wanting to be close to me and I freaked out. I just burst into hysterical sobbing. The poor dog thought she had done something wrong and jumped down and lay on her back in the submit position. I felt terrible. The poor dog had no idea why I was upset. I got her after my husbands death so she had no way to know she was on his side of the bed. Since that day I have made her a place at the foot of the bed so she can be near me, and I have my little touch spot below where his pillow was. I preserved his pillow. I can't look at it yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mulelady Posted November 26, 2020 Members Report Share Posted November 26, 2020 Sleep....what is that....it's been so long since I enjoyed a good rest....I can't imagine that ever happening. First....the two years I cared for him during his illness....the last months , so strung out from no sleep and fear I was crying daily. Now....1 -1/2 years without him here....and struggling even more. Places.....I imagine I wish I could visit his farm where we had an adorable cabin....that we built completely by ourselves ....but I had to sell it right away....and haven't been able to visit since a small ceremony to leave some of his ashes there. I did that because he asked.....never realizing how it would feel not being able to return. Three weeks ago I finally drove to the Smokies ...to spread a bit more of his ashes at two places we visited and loved for 25 years. It was difficult....everyone there were romantic couples ...eating alone ....it just adds to the pain. I can't tell yet , but I'm hoping it will help me feel like I am connecting with him ....in a place he would love ? Now ....it's an unusually lonely Covid year .....approaching holidays ....and a significant birthday this Friday....alone. The more time passes....the more I feel I can't mention this with people around me....all I get is " you need to get a hobby " ....." you need to move on " ....and now.....Covid means no one wants to be near you happy or sad . I did do something today I will try to repeat. I read about a trail/tunnel that was just reopened . I probably tried more than I should have ...my poor knee ! Ha...now I'll have something else to focus on all night....my throbbing knee ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 26, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted November 26, 2020 Mulelady, it's a great idea, I'm sorry you're hurting now for it! I just ran across this passage from Ecclesiastes 4...no wonder it's so hard for those of us alone now! Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun: I saw the tears of the oppressed— and they have no comforter; power was on the side of their oppressors— and they have no comforter. 2 And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive. 3 But better than both is the one who has never been born, who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun. 4 And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 5 Fools fold their hands and ruin themselves. 6 Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind. 7 Again I saw something meaningless under the sun: 8 There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. “For whom am I toiling,” he asked, “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?” This too is meaningless— a miserable business! 9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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