I don’t know

[Faithfulweapon]

Josh and I met earlier this summer through mutual friends. He saw me over a FaceTime and asked about me and we danced around each other until we finally decided to started dating. He was the best man that I have ever had in my life. That was two months ago, earlier this month we had a argument over something that really doesn’t matter now, and he was telling me he wasn't feeling well but not to the extent how bad he wasn’t feeling well. We stopped talking for a while and on what would be our two month anniversary I got a call telling me that he was dead. It’s been a few days and it still doesn’t feel real it hurts because we talked and planned a lot for our future and now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do with myself. He just turned 29 in August. He was so young and I feel like I let him down. The name faithful weapon was his moniker wherever he had to have a username. I miss him so much. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  You may feel you had unfinished business since you weren't talking at the end.  It may help you to write him a letter telling him what you feel, any questions you might have for him.  Then...write his response to you.  Proceed on faith in him and in what you had.  It's not our grief that binds us, it's our love, and that continues still.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Faithfulweapon,

What KayC suggests about writing his response to you is wildly helpful.  It was suggested I do that and, although I cried so hard I almost choked, it gave me comfort.

I think I had built up a tremendous amount of guilt because due to COVID I was not allowed to be with my husband while he died.  In writing what I believe he would have said I realized he would not have wanted me to feel so much pain and guilt as I was feeling.  It didn't remove the guilt and pain, but it helped me to start forgiving myself.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

In writing what I believe he would have said I realized he would not have wanted me to feel so much pain and guilt as I was feeling.  It didn't remove the guilt and pain, but it helped me to start forgiving myself.

I so agree with you here!  I, too, went through this when George died because I was away when he went into the hospital with a heart attack and my sister would not take me to him until two days later (she wanted to gamble).  She tried to rewrite history later and I would NOT let her.  It was unforgivable, but I've had to get past it.  I can only imagine how he felt.  Thankfully I got to see him, barely, before he had another one and died.

I've had to continue faith in our love for each other, the way our relationship started out.  I wish I could talk to him though.