Am I a terrible person?

[foreverhis]

Hi all.  Okay, I'm trying to decide if I'm a terrible person for something I've been thinking.

I read a couple of articles about the emotional and physical effects on family members and friends of COVD patients, whether they recovered, are still struggling, or have died.  People are talking about this and that's a good thing.  We all know how important it is to have support, understanding, and comfort.  And most of us know times, often long times, when we don't get that.  We know about "putting on the brave face" and being expected to be strong.  We know about feeling ignored and forgotten.

The thing is that my thoughts are also running along the lines of, "Well, maybe more people will be understanding and sympathetic to us! Maybe we won't be shuffled to the side so easily.  Maybe society in general will start realizing just how real our pain, loss, and grief are and that they are not transient emotions or experiences we can simply get over."

Is that horrible?  It's not that I don't feel genuine sympathy for everyone whose lives have been affected, all those whose lives will be affected, and all those who are ill or dying from COVID.  It's a thief.  It's robbing people of security, love, and their futures.  Yet, considering that that is what we've had to endure, I hope that there may be a shift in thinking about how to relate to us as well.

Anyway, I just wondered if I'm being too hard on myself for thinking about myself at a time like this.  What do you think?

[Gail 8588]

You are not a terrible person for having these thoughts. 

It's not terrible to hope that people will become more understanding. 

 

 

[KayC]

You are not a terrible person!  It is not a wish to invalidate what they are going through but rather a wish for others to understand what WE go through and have been going through, alone, for some time!  It's not selfish to want others to understand us or get it, even though we know that's not likely to happen.  We don't wish any of this on anyone!            

[jmmosley53]

Hello Foreverhis,

Yes your terrible.  Oh course I am joking to make you smile. 

People feel what they feel until something happens to change that.  They think what they think until someone says something that changes there mind.  

Try not to 'put on the brave face'.  Acknowledge what you feel and speak it, if the occasion arises.  Some people will listen others not so much. 

I do think that it is harmful to you, to resent people for not already knowing your pain.  Resentment is not a positive thing.  If instead, when you you feel ignored and that people are being insensitive to your feelings, look for anything positive about their behavior.  You might be surprised how therapeutic it can be. 

I for one enjoy making these positive thoughts be sort of humorous.  For example when someone on TV is lamenting that they can no longer go to the nail salon, I think 'why have your hands turned into monster claws'  or when someone says 'this COVID stuff is all just the flu' I try to think, 'God have mercy on this idiot and give them a brain'.

That way I can at least smile at my joke and not build up resentment or unhappy feelings.  I have enough of those already.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Yes your terrible.  Oh course I am joking to make you smile. 

People feel what they feel until something happens to change that.  They think what they think until someone says something that changes there mind.  

Try not to 'put on the brave face'.  Acknowledge what you feel and speak it, if the occasion arises.  Some people will listen others not so much. 

I do think that it is harmful to you, to resent people for not already knowing your pain.  Resentment is not a positive thing.  If instead, when you you feel ignored and that people are being insensitive to your feelings, look for anything positive about their behavior.  You might be surprised how therapeutic it can be. 

Well of course that made me chuckle.  In part it's because that's exactly the kind of thing our best male friend, our brother-by-choice, would say.  Actually, he did say something similar just yesterday.  I fell and hurt myself badly on Saturday.  I was inattentive and careless while walking a friend's dog on a dirt path I've taken literally a thousand times before.  I managed to twist and crumple down, which is the correct way to fall and what I learned from horseback riding and ice skating, but managed to twist/tear/pull (not sure what yet; I've a call in to the doctor) my hamstring, which I've never injured in all my 62 years.  All I know at this point is that I didn't break any bones, which is good.  So I mentioned it to our friend and he said, "Were you chewing gum at the time?"  That of course made me laugh at the old joke.

I want to clarify that I am not and have not been resentful of anyone.  I definitely don't resent others for not understanding my pain/grief or that of others like me.  I don't resent myself for not understanding it fully until it happened to me and my love.  But I have to admit that I'm also well over feeling like I need to look for what's positive in the behavior of others if they've been insensitive or what have you.  Instead, I just let that incident go and remind myself that they haven't got a clue--and I don't even want them to understand it fully because that means it will have happened to them.  I don't have ill will toward them.  After more than 2 years, I have a whole spectrum of both reactions and responses, but none of them include resentment.  (Well, okay, from time to time my inner self still looks at couples who are clearly older than my husband (71) and me and thinks, "It's not fair we didn't get that."  Yet even then, it's not that I want to take that from others; it's that I know we deserved to have it too.)

I've been disappointed along the way, sure.  In the early months, I had to "boot" a few casual friends from my life because their way of handling my husband's death was to pretend he'd never existed at all.  That was unacceptable.  In our small, tight circle of friends and family, I have had tremendous support and comfort.  I'm lucky there.  And the only "push" to put on the brave face has been my inner stoic self, except a few times I got irked with the "You're so strong" attitudes.  I ultimately reminded those who know us that they must know only one thing could break me completely and that was losing my love. 

For the most part, I have no interest in speaking about my pain to strangers, though I have come up with a number of reasonable answers to the irritating social verbal handshake of "How are you?" that are not "Fine" (seriously, are any of us "fine"?), but that are not rude either.

What I'm talking about is how American society (and others) in general is so obsessed with youth and a pretense that death doesn't exist.  It's uncomfortable to face those facts.  We are a tangible reminder to others that, "This could and someday will happen to you."  Basically, we are not taught about death and dying.  We're not taught about what grief and loss truly encompass.  We are not taught how to help those who are grieving.  And now that more people are being forced to confront those incredibly difficult truths, it makes me think, "Well, perhaps now more people, our whole society maybe, will realize how is it for those of us who already know."

 

And thanks everyone for your responses.  I was talking to our daughter last night and mentioned it.  Her response was, "You're not gloating about other people grieving, for pity's sake!  You're sorry they are suffering.  It's natural that you'd hope more people will understand and that maybe we'll look at death and grieving differently and with more compassion."  She's a good daughter and a loving mom.  She's also a pretty smart cookie.

[Gail 8588]

It is an interesting concept to consider. Do communities/ nations become more empathetic when there have been mass casualties?  During WWII (maybe other wars too) if a family lost a son in the war they would put a gold star near the front door. Some houses sadly had several gold stars. Everyone in the community had family in the war and they could readily imagine that but for the grace of God there could be a gold star on their door symbolizing the loss of their father, brother, or son. 

I think that must have resulted in a much greater level of empathy towards those in grief. 

Perhaps today we need some sort of similar public acknowledgement for the families who have lost one or more members to covid-19. A  small pandemic flag that memorializes the loss. Would it help the nation to stop bickering and just show some empathy to those who are grieving a loss?  

Gail

[KayC]

On 10/26/2020 at 9:40 AM, jmmosley53 said:

Hello Foreverhis,

Yes your terrible.  Oh course I am joking to make you smile. 

People feel what they feel until something happens to change that.  They think what they think until someone says something that changes there mind.  

Try not to 'put on the brave face'.  Acknowledge what you feel and speak it, if the occasion arises.  Some people will listen others not so much. 

I do think that it is harmful to you, to resent people for not already knowing your pain.  Resentment is not a positive thing.  If instead, when you you feel ignored and that people are being insensitive to your feelings, look for anything positive about their behavior.  You might be surprised how therapeutic it can be. 

I for one enjoy making these positive thoughts be sort of humorous.  For example when someone on TV is lamenting that they can no longer go to the nail salon, I think 'why have your hands turned into monster claws'  or when someone says 'this COVID stuff is all just the flu' I try to think, 'God have mercy on this idiot and give them a brain'.

That way I can at least smile at my joke and not build up resentment or unhappy feelings.  I have enough of those already.

You are very wise!

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's natural that you'd hope more people will understand and that maybe we'll look at death and grieving differently and with more compassion."  She's a good daughter and a loving mom.  She's also a pretty smart cookie.

Yes, she is!  And I think she comes by it naturally!

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Perhaps today we need some sort of similar public acknowledgement for the families who have lost one or more members to covid-19.

I agree.