Panicked that I'm forgetting my husband

[KimH]

I'm still madly in love with my husband after 21 years. He passed away 9 months ago, so now I am the sole keeper of a lifetime of precious memories. As I was going to bed earlier this evening, I suddenly realized that there was a detail I couldn't remember from 20 years ago. I am completely distraught now.

[KayC]

Welcome here, you're not alone in what you're going through, we're right here with you.  I am so sorry for your loss!

It's not likely that you've completely forgotten, but rather that your brain's recall is having a hard time reaching it...nine months is still grief fog time.  I tell my sister that I don't forget so much as have a lag time now...it can take days or however long to reach it.  Try not to worry about it, you will not forget your husband!

https://refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KimH]

Thanks so much, @KayC! I loved the article as well.

Yeah, the first month of this was *intense* with the suicidal thoughts. Then I went back to work, and found myself being a workaholic as a distraction. I couldn't look at photos until a week ago. Now, I'm in the process of framing my favorites.  The day after his passing, I remember thinking I was going to get a dog. Somehow, I keep postponing it.

[KimH]

What's really odd is that what prompted the sudden freak-out last night last night was this feeling, as I was drifting asleep, that he was right there next to me. I mean, it was very real. Then I suddenly awoke and found myself spinning out from there.

[Yoli]

Kim

I too had this realisation that I am now the sole guardian of our joint memories. I can't say 'remember when ...' I now have to tell the whole story to paint the picture for someone else. 

Maybe the detail that eluded you will come back to you when you least expect it to, like when you suddenly remember the dream you had the previous night.

 

[Perro J]

A lot can happen in 20 years - you don't mention what the detail is, and maybe it is something that you think you should know even after 20 years, but give yourself some slack here.

I know how feeble-minded I have been this year, from her cancer diagnosis to her death to the present moment. Some of what I am experiencing now are bad memories of things from this year that I think I had blocked out. My guess is that it is a defense mechanism that metes out these memories according to my ability to process them. Granted I am not a neuroscientist but I'd bet you're affected in a similar fashion. 20 years ago...we'd only be a little ways past realizing the whole world was not going to be taken down by the Y2K computer issue, the dot-com bubble had collapsed in April, and the WTC towers were still standing. I had started a new job in September that year...I was married...I was driving the first new car I had ever bought...and that's about the extent of what I can tell you where I was 20 years ago.

I think Yoli is on point here. The memories often come back on their own after you stop trying to recall them.

[jmmosley53]

Hello KimH,

I am very sorry for your loss.

One thing I learned from a doctor was that the brain focuses on what the body needs 1st.  It seems to me (being Dr. Google) that right now you have so much on your mind.  With the stress of your loss, the figuring our what to do with property, with trying to figure out your new identity as his widow, that the brain is not focused on recall.  I am thinking that as thing settle your recall will improve.  At least that is what I am counting on in my own case.  Be well.

[KayC]

Kim, I do know what you mean, like a rude awakening that hits you all over again!  (((hugs)))