How?

[BBB]

Exactly how do you just focus on the one day at a time mantra? Any tips or tricks with that? It's hard for me not to think about the future and when I go there, it's ugly. I am not retired yet but pushing 60. When I think about things like retirement, what I'm going to do in retirement, my glint of joy is nixed by the thoughts that my best friend won't be there to share in it. I can remember going to San Francisco on a business trip and it was my second time going. However, this time I was by myself. I went early to do the tourist things before Monday rolled around and called my wife from a restaurant and remember telling her how empty the visit was because I had no one to share it with. Likewise, I think if I have no one to share retirement with, what's the point. I need to think about today only but need help in doing that. 

[Perro J]

BBB,

My glib response would be the same answer as to the question "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"  Practice.

I'm not here to be glib though. I am familiar with the mantra because I am familiar with 12 step programs. While I don't think those programs claim any copyright on the concept, they do have a particular pamphlet I really like. This one comes from Al-Anon, which is a program for the spouses of alcoholics. It is entitled "Just For Today" and I think anyone would do well to embrace it:

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.  I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy.  This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.  I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind.  I will study.  I will lean something useful.  I will not be a mental loafer.  I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.  I will do at least two things I don’t want to do – just for exercise.  I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable.  I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit.  I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program.  I may not follow it exactly but I will have it.  I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax.  During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid.  Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Now I know a couple of these don't go down so easy right now. I am finding it very difficult to just be happy. I am studying as best I can, but my capacity for it right now is nowhere near what I want it to be. One of the hardest parts about this so far for me is the reduction in my mental capacity. To some degree I feel like I have lost my mind and I want it back.

Part of my story is this. I was divorced 7 years ago. I did not come out of that divorce well. Financial ruin? Almost. I had walked off a job in the middle of the divorce without a new prospect in sight. It took me 5 months to find a new job and I had no unemployment - and I was socked with an additional $50,000 of due-up-front, call it spousal maintenance, alimony, whatever you want. This is after half the assets were taken. I was literally living one day at a time because I did not know if I was going to be able to dig myself out of that hole. There were days I considered quitting life itself. I like to joke that my retirement plan is a 40 calibre hollow point. Most people think that is not a very funny joke. My future looked dark and bleak.

So what happened? After sending out over 100 resumes during that period, one day I got a cold call from a staffing agency. They saw a piece of experience I had that looked like it was a match for what one of their clients was looking for. I hadn't approached anyone for this job. It found me. I did not see it coming.

After being employed for a while, I got myself back to a point that was financially manageable, though I was living like a college student in terms of disposable income, I was at least making my payments and was even able to save a little fun money. I went out and faced one of my fears. I went skydiving. Twice. I did not see it coming during my dark days.

A friend of mine encouraged me to visit Argentina, where he has a home. I took some Spanish classes and even some tango lessons in preparation for that. I ended up visiting Buenos Aires and notched off another lifelong dream of visiting Iguazu Falls. The Spanish classes proved especially important a few years later. I did not see this coming either.

Almost three years ago now, I met a woman from Ecuador. She was beautiful, charming, and brought joy into my life in a way I never expected. I fell in love with her and we began to plan a lifelong companionship together. We felt we belonged together. We were a team.  I never imagined this would happen for me.

In March of this year, we learned the pain in her stomach was not a simple gastrointestinal disorder. It was cancer. It took my love away from me in July. We never saw that coming.

My point is this. The future isn't really known. You aren't assured tomorrow. You can't change yesterday. All you ever really have is today. It is OK to make plans but they may not turn out the way you hope. All you can do in terms of action is to do the next right thing. The next right thing comes at you one day at a time.

Hope that helps.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, BBB said:

Exactly how do you just focus on the one day at a time mantra? Any tips or tricks with that? It's hard for me not to think about the future and when I go there, it's ugly.

Every time I start thinking about the rest of my life I remind myself to get back to TODAY.  I've been doing this for over 15 years now, it's the only way I survive...it's hard for me because I struggle against anxiety/worry so I imagine I'll fight to stay in today the rest of my life, but it helps and is worth it.

2 hours ago, Perro J said:

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.  I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy.  This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.  I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind.  I will study.  I will lean something useful.  I will not be a mental loafer.  I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.  I will do at least two things I don’t want to do – just for exercise.  I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable.  I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit.  I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program.  I may not follow it exactly but I will have it.  I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax.  During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid.  Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me

Thank you, Perro, I'm saving this.

[jmmosley53]

Hi BBB,

I am going through a similar dilemma.  One thing that helps me is when my mind goes to those 'rest of my life' thoughts is to say to myself  "well right now,  I'm going to...whatever".  I try to stay in the moment as best I can.  Of course you have to make big picture financial plans for the future.  Do that with your trusted advisor then go back to right this minute.

If you say right now I'm not going to cry or give into my feelings of despair  - , your right now's will string together to make a minute, then an hour, then a day.

This is not a fool proof method but it helps.  Try not to ponder the future, a million things can happen between now and tomorrow.  Let life play out as best you can and string some of those right now's together.

[widower2]

The way I have often looked at this damned path we're all on is like climbing a mountain. You can't help but look up now and then (BBB I'm similar, nearing retirement years)...but basically if you're climbing a mountain, most of your attention is focused on what's right in front of you, that rock face staring you in the face...because you HAVE to be focused on that. It's simple survival. I see this as similar. OK I grab this ledge up here, then put my leg over there, now lift up a little.....grunt...OK I'm a little farther up now, cool. Next, OK there's the next handhold...etc. That's enough to deal with.

FWIW 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

basically if you're climbing a mountain, most of your attention is focused on what's right in front of you, that rock face staring you in the face...because you HAVE to be focused on that. It's simple survival. I see this as similar.

Great analogy!