The love of my life

[Faith1989]

I lost the love of my life on Saturday October 3rd, 2020 and I don't know what to do! She was my everything,  she was whole world. I lived for her and she lived for me. She was seriously the most humble, modest and genuine woman in this world. This was unexpected and im stuck in this feeling of some many emotions and feelings and I don't know how to navigate through this. I want her back with me so badly. I know how upset she would've been to leave like she did because her story wasn't done yet and either was ours! I talk to family and friends and my support group is overwhelming to be quite honest! I just want to run away with our dog and I know thats not good but like I'm seriously lost. I find myself pacing at 3am. I wake up every morning crying and feels good but I feel like I did so many things wrong because I keep looking back at our rough times then I look at the amazing times which we had that outweighed the bad. Are relationship was amazing and we where amazing! I'm just searching for some guidance and words from people that have been through the same and know the same feelings and emotions and everything that I'm dealing with. 

[Yoli]

I am so sorry Matthew. I know you are feeling so many different emotions right now. Some of those emotions don't even feel like they have words to describe them. I am a few more months into this horrific journey than you are. People here will have some insightful words for you. We know only too well all of the emotions you are experiencing. I have vented here many times since May when I lost my love. She will be with me always.

Take Care

[Perro J]

I am very sorry. I lost my fiancee in July and I know what you are feeling right now. I want to be encouraging but I also want to be truthful. This is not easy and it is not quick. This is going to hurt for a while. Your journey will be unique but I think most of us experience this in waves of varying intensity at the beginning. Some days are better than others - sometimes that gets reduced to hours and sometimes even minutes. You may find that after a while, you actually feel worse. I am coming up on three months - and still feel the absence of not only her but also the ability to feel joy. However, I have been able to allow myself to at least smile at some things recently. A good laugh still feels out of the question. Others have stated that after a longer span of time, the intensity of the hurt lessens and comes less often. I doubt it ever goes away completely. So when it hits you hard - keep your eyes on the horizon and believe in the words of the others that are walking further ahead of us. There will come a day that it doesn't hurt as badly as it does now. May you find solace.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, so young & beautiful.  My husband died all too young, we thought we had years ahead of us, I remember the shock (sudden death, unexpected), high anxiety, it's amazing I've survived, I didn't see how I could, but it's been 15 years now.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through!  I want to share with you an article about what I've found helpful over the years in the hopes you find something helpful today, something else perhaps on down the road.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Faith1989]

Did you guys do a lot of soul searching?  In guessing so, I sit and think of the things I wouldve changed. My fmsupport system says that I shouldn't be thinking negative but I can't help it. I have guilt that I  wasn't here on Saturday on her biggest day that she needed me! I keep replaying the day and im trying to find where it went wrong! 

[KayC]

I think it's common to do that, although I can't think of anything I would have changed for myself, I loved him completely and utterly and gave my all for him.

[Perro J]

I don't think soul searching is quite how I would phrase it. For me, it was more the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" types of conditionals that haunted me (and still do). I am uncertain, but from what I am reading I am thinking her loss was sudden and unexpected? If so, I think there are some differences in the experience even if it is ultimately equal in terms of the depth of the loss. My love was diagnosed with cancer. We learned this in early March. Four months later, she was gone. I think thoughts like "I should have gotten a loan to pay for the endoscopy in December after the first emergency room visit" or "If the emergency room would have figured out on the first visit that this was a case of cancer maybe she would have at least had more time" or "If I could have gotten her home sooner, she could have spent more time with her family."

At times I have questioned if it would have been easier to cope with a sudden loss - but I doubt it is. I also think someone who suffers a sudden loss might think a prolonged illness might be easier to process because at least you get a chance to say goodbye. On this I can speak from experience. I knew her chances of survival were slim but I never said goodbye. To do so would have been to concede the battle. Something we were unwilling to do. Once the care giving starts - that is what you do. I did that part to the best of my ability and I don't need to soul search there. Many friends have said many positive things about me - maybe in consolation - maybe in genuine sincerity - for the things I did to support her during her illness. In the end though, I lost her. The true hero rescues the princess from the dragon. This I failed to do.

Weekends are very hard for me - Sunday morning should be calm and tranquil. Instead I started the day in the dark, sobbing. I don't know if my mind is suppressing things, releasing them only on my ability to handle them - but bad memories now show up unannounced. Things I experienced but have not thought about since they happened. Things like being in an emergency room in a foreign country with only a minimal understanding of the language, listening to the crying of the one you love as she is getting fluid drained from her lungs. This is a nightmare that I can't wake up from. In February I was king of the world. Oh how far I have fallen. 2020 has been a horror show.

Your mind will go all over the place. Some not so nice. Steel yourself amigo. Live as she would want you to as best you can.

[Lars M]

I too had guilt that did I do enough her doctor treated her for something total different from what she had. I ask myself why didn't you push harder when she wasn't getting better ? I think from what I have read is everyone does this hind site. The truth is I could not have pushed the doctors the last thing we thought was she could have had lung cancer when they were treating her for a pulled muscle. I hope you have a little peace today and try not beating yourself up today. 

[Faith1989]

Did you guys do a lot of soul searching?  In guessing so, I sit and think of the things I wouldve changed. My fmsupport system says that I shouldn't be thinking negative but I can't help it. I have guilt that I  wasn't here on Saturday on her biggest day that she needed me! I keep replaying the day and im trying to find where it went wrong! 

[Faith1989]

Yes her loss was sudden and unexpected.  She was the most amazing woman in the world and I guess what I'm doing is the could, wouldve, shouldve too. In November of last year we loss our son and had no idea to why. She got tested and they told her that she had lupus. So we battled her lupus and started all of her health stuff, I sat by her side through it all with strength for her but I would never burden her with my stuff ever because of what she was going through. In August of this year they found out she had the beginning of chronic kidney disease. So they have been changing all of her medicines up the past couple weeks. The doctors didn't realize what they where giving g her and the 3 medicines didn't work together and created a lethal dose of serotonin in her body and they created lethal heart complications. So I went to work like I do every Saturday and she was asleep and ok and when she wasn't responding I rushed home to find her. I dont have like negative guilt i guess because we had a lot of things going on and regardless I stood by herside and she stood by mine. She loved me with everything and for him I am and did the same for her. She was my world and I was her rock. I just feel I wish I didn't wake up and go to work. I wish I could've seen something on Saturday before i left but I didn't, I wish I wouldve rushed home earlier. I have no idea what I could've changed or what wouldve have changed. I didnt get to rescue my love but I tried.

[MODArtemis2019]

8 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

Did you guys do a lot of soul searching?  In guessing so, I sit and think of the things I wouldve changed. My fmsupport system says that I shouldn't be thinking negative but I can't help it. I have guilt that I  wasn't here on Saturday on her biggest day that she needed me! I keep replaying the day and im trying to find where it went wrong! 

Yes. Tons of it. The feelings of guilt and regrets, replaying what happened, and what might have been different are like a sharpening stone on the grief. It's so early for you, and that means all the feelings are so intense. 

8 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

I have guilt that I  wasn't here on Saturday on her biggest day that she needed me! I keep replaying the day and im trying to find where it went wrong! 

I know just what you mean. It's brutal, and, really, it's like torturing yourself. I'm not going to say "Don't torture yourself," but I will suggest that you recognize that guilt part of the grief process, and nearly everyone goes through it, regardless of their specific circumstances. You have guilt because you weren't there. Well, I was there til the last moment, and I still had massive guilt. 

I'm very, very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have people IRL as well as this forum to share your feelings with. 

[Yoli]

I have grappled the would have or could have or could have done better. I have had many feelings of guilt for a number of reasons. I know in my heart that we had so many more good days than bad. Still it is the bad days that weigh heavy on my heart. In time I hope this will change and it is the good days that are dominant in my memory .

No matter what anyone says, they cannot control the thoughts in your head. I don't know how many times I have heard Be Kind To Yourself, way easier said than done. 

As much as I hated to hear it, the only way is to go through the grief, there is no way around, under or over it. It hurts and it is by far the absolute worst experience to lose our loves.

I for one will not be whole until we meet again on the other side. I know she waits for me there.

[SDC]

I'm sorry for your loss and for your suffering. Your wife was gorgeous and you both look incredibly happy. My husband was in an accident in April & I removed him from life support a week later (I knew he didn't want to be kept alive with brain damage). A sudden loss is brutal and overwhelming. My only meaningful advice is to be kind and patient with yourself. All you describe is normal and I experienced the same--wandering around the house, wanting to flee, etc. You're processing what you don't to process, all while needing to take care of immediate details. I was--and remain--surprised by how much grief feels like going mad. At least know how you feel is shared by all of us who lost our loves. 

[Faith1989]

Shes absolutely gorgeous, beautiful and everything to me. Today was a different day. My whole family insisted I get out and go to lunch with everyone from the family so I did. I was really paying attention and kinda just stuck to myself and ate very little which I've been doing. Everyone was talking and everything and all I wanted was her there with me. I was kinda numb to everything that was going on around me besides what was in my head. I know she should've been with me there and thats all that I really cared about to be honest. It was kinda just a weird day. I dont know how to explain it.

[Yoli]

Ummm ok, my opinion, that is a very short time for your family to insist you go out for a family lunch. You are still trying to come to terms with your loved passing. I can only guess but from my experience you would have been thinking how can people just be carrying on, what is going on here? Food was certainly the last thing on my mind let alone being in a group setting. Finally, yes she should have been right there beside you. That's the unfairness of it all.

Take Care

[SDC]

10 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

Shes absolutely gorgeous, beautiful and everything to me. Today was a different day. My whole family insisted I get out and go to lunch with everyone from the family so I did. I was really paying attention and kinda just stuck to myself and ate very little which I've been doing. Everyone was talking and everything and all I wanted was her there with me. I was kinda numb to everything that was going on around me besides what was in my head. I know she should've been with me there and thats all that I really cared about to be honest. It was kinda just a weird day. I dont know how to explain it.

I'm sure your family meant well, but I advise you to be cautious when people insist you do what they want/think is best. It's easy for people to think they know what you need and push you in their direction. Be comfortable saying no and doing what feels best for you. I'm almost 6 months into grieving and I disassociate when there's too much conversation or small talk around me--I don't have the bandwidth to engage in ways people expect and assume. I can't do it and I don't force myself for someone else's benefit. You're in survival mode
now--getting through the onslaught of emotions minute by minute. It takes tremendous energy and doesn't leave much for anything else. Be mindful that you don't exert your energy doing what people think you should. 

[Mmay]

I lost the love of my life on Saturday October 3rd, 2020 and I don't know what to do! She was my everything,  she was whole world. I lived for her and she lived for me. She was seriously the most humble, modest and genuine woman in this world. This was unexpected and im stuck in this feeling of some many emotions and feelings and I don't know how to navigate through this. I want her back with me so badly. I know how upset she would've been to leave like she did because her story wasn't done yet and either was ours! I talk to family and friends and my support group is overwhelming to be quite honest! I just want to run away with our dog and I know thats not good but like I'm seriously lost. I find myself pacing at 3am. I wake up every morning crying and feels good but I feel like I did so many things wrong because I keep looking back at our rough times then I look at the amazing times which we had that outweighed the bad. Are relationship was amazing and we where amazing! I'm just searching for some guidance and words from people that have been through the same and know the same feelings and emotions and everything that I'm dealing with. 

Hello Faith1989,

I’m usually the one on the sidelines reading stories and responses. Though I’m feeling the urge to respond to you.

Your person is beautiful and she will always remain that way. I can literally feel the love you two have for each other. And that will never fade. Ever.

Your profile name is perfect. Keep your Faith. Whatever that might be for you. Who knows, this could be your loved ones name and I’d still tell you to keep the Faith. That’s all we really have... faith to help us move one foot in front of the other, faith to help us understand that it does get better.

My husband, Lance passed away from a motorcycle accident. He was on a motorcycle trip with his twin brother and a young girl misjudged her time and hit him. For a long time I held blame on myself for what I “could’ve” done. I “should’ve” gone on the trip with them because I am sure if I was there, the timing of everything “would’ve” changed. Then there were moments at the beginning stages of my grief when I wished I was on the bike with him and we both passed away together. I have no shame saying that because those thoughts are all natural.

Fast forward 11 years, here I am. I’m still talking about my amazing husband Lance. We had our “bad moments” in our relationship too and at some point, not now, you’ll work through that. It took me quite a few years to get to that point of releasing and forgiving the “bad moments”. Because you’re right, the good always outweighed the bad. And the good moments and the love you have for her is what will keep you moving forward...not moving on, but forward. You, me, anyone on this forum will never get over our loss, we just learn to accept a little more each day. This experience will forever shape us into to the person we are today, tomorrow, and decades from now.

At this point there’s really nothing you can do except to just be with YOU and her (if you believe in that). I am not here to push any spiritual beliefs on you or anyone. I just remembered when lance passed, I needed a sign he was with me. I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I needed to know he was in a safe place. As soon as I was open to receiving a sign, he came through quickly. And to this day, he still shares signs with me. If you’re open to it, throw out any sign you want and see how she responds. It may not be right away, but she will.

Faith1989, my heart hurts with you. The pain you’re going through is undeniably the worst feeling you’ll ever experience, but at some point it does get better.

All you can do is give yourself the love and patience you deserve. [emoji173]️


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

Everyone was talking and everything and all I wanted was her there with me. I was kinda numb to everything that was going on around me besides what was in my head. I know she should've been with me there and thats all that I really cared about to be honest. It was kinda just a weird day. I dont know how to explain it.

Welcome.  I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us.  Your wife is beautiful and you are a lovely couple. 

You don't have to worry about explaining the unexplainable to us.  We've all been there.  For me it's feeling all alone even when I'm in a room full of people I/we know and love and who love us.  It's not that they don't care or try to comfort, and they know they can't fully understand, but the one person I want by my side is the one who is gone.  Very little else matters.

I do think it was unfair for your family to insist you go out to lunch with everyone.  As others have said, I'm sure they meant well, but they do not know what this is like for you.  Your loss is so new, so raw, and so all-encompassing that you may have to tell them bluntly to let you simply be, think, feel, and do what you believe is right for you.  One of the helpful things about being here is that we do not tell any other members what they should or should not do, think, or feel. 

We are unique in our journeys and where we are in our lives, but the road we walk is the same twisting, painful, dark, and unwelcome one.  You will not be alone when you are here.  Coming here really helped me through my darkest days and eventually I was able to start seeing bits of light and hope and grab onto them.  Though my life will never be the same, though I will miss my husband every minute of every day for the rest of my life, the edges of my grief have softened, I am able to smile and even laugh more often without feeling it's a betrayal, and though I still have waves of grief and pain, along with really dark days, they don't come as often and don't last as long.

You are just starting out on this most unexpected and worst imaginable grief journey.  Right now, it should literally be all about you and your needs.  It's a cliche, but true, that it's important to take it one day or even one hour at time, and just keep breathing.  I can't tell you how your grief will be, but I can tell you that we do understand and will be here to try to help and comfort you.

[Faith1989]

4 hours ago, Mmay said:

 

Hello Faith1989,

I’m usually the one on the sidelines reading stories and responses. Though I’m feeling the urge to respond to you.

Your person is beautiful and she will always remain that way. I can literally feel the love you two have for each other. And that will never fade. Ever.

Your profile name is perfect. Keep your Faith. Whatever that might be for you. Who knows, this could be your loved ones name and I’d still tell you to keep the Faith. That’s all we really have... faith to help us move one foot in front of the other, faith to help us understand that it does get better.

My husband, Lance passed away from a motorcycle accident. He was on a motorcycle trip with his twin brother and a young girl misjudged her time and hit him. For a long time I held blame on myself for what I “could’ve” done. I “should’ve” gone on the trip with them because I am sure if I was there, the timing of everything “would’ve” changed. Then there were moments at the beginning stages of my grief when I wished I was on the bike with him and we both passed away together. I have no shame saying that because those thoughts are all natural.

Fast forward 11 years, here I am. I’m still talking about my amazing husband Lance. We had our “bad moments” in our relationship too and at some point, not now, you’ll work through that. It took me quite a few years to get to that point of releasing and forgiving the “bad moments”. Because you’re right, the good always outweighed the bad. And the good moments and the love you have for her is what will keep you moving forward...not moving on, but forward. You, me, anyone on this forum will never get over our loss, we just learn to accept a little more each day. This experience will forever shape us into to the person we are today, tomorrow, and decades from now.

At this point there’s really nothing you can do except to just be with YOU and her (if you believe in that). I am not here to push any spiritual beliefs on you or anyone. I just remembered when lance passed, I needed a sign he was with me. I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I needed to know he was in a safe place. As soon as I was open to receiving a sign, he came through quickly. And to this day, he still shares signs with me. If you’re open to it, throw out any sign you want and see how she responds. It may not be right away, but she will.

Faith1989, my heart hurts with you. The pain you’re going through is undeniably the worst feeling you’ll ever experience, but at some point it does get better.

All you can do is give yourself the love and patience you deserve. ️


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

 

Her name was Faith and she meant the world to me. She was my faith in life and still is. She has already given the signs that she's hear with me. She has already showed me so much in the past week and I was spiritual before as in yes I believe in God but she was spiritual, I didn't realize that she actually showed me how to be spiritual until now. Shes been with me. I felt her calming me the other night and it was so real that I felt she was physically laying in bed next to me, but she was laying in bed next to me and holding me. I felt that!

[Mmay]

Her name was Faith and she meant the world to me. She was my faith in life and still is. She has already given the signs that she's hear with me. She has already showed me so much in the past week and I was spiritual before as in yes I believe in God but she was spiritual, I didn't realize that she actually showed me how to be spiritual until now. Shes been with me. I felt her calming me the other night and it was so real that I felt she was physically laying in bed next to me, but she was laying in bed next to me and holding me. I felt that!

I had a feeling her name is Faith. This gives me the chills. Thank you for sharing. Their presence around us can seem real. And yes, your spirituality will most likely shift because of this. Mine sure did.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Faith1989]

On 10/10/2020 at 10:08 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry, so young & beautiful.  My husband died all too young, we thought we had years ahead of us, I remember the shock (sudden death, unexpected), high anxiety, it's amazing I've survived, I didn't see how I could, but it's been 15 years now.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through!  I want to share with you an article about what I've found helpful over the years in the hopes you find something helpful today, something else perhaps on down the road.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

I think I've looked at this list 5 times a day since you've posted it and I keep reading it over and over.

[Faith1989]

On 10/10/2020 at 10:08 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry, so young & beautiful.  My husband died all too young, we thought we had years ahead of us, I remember the shock (sudden death, unexpected), high anxiety, it's amazing I've survived, I didn't see how I could, but it's been 15 years now.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through!  I want to share with you an article about what I've found helpful over the years in the hopes you find something helpful today, something else perhaps on down the road.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

I think I've looked at this list 5 times a day since you've posted it and I keep reading it over and over.

How do you guys sleep at night or is that never going to be the same. I feel my nights are dedicated the hardest because there's no one there with me besides are dog Farrah. Shes taking it hard to because her mom isn't here. Her mom was the one who rescued her and gave/showed her a second chance on life! But I find my selling pacing at 2-3-4am and then sleep maybe 3 or 4 hours and thats it. And im sure I'm only falling asleep because I play her music and my body is exhausted. 

[Gail 8588]

Faith,

I think falling to sleep is extremely hard for most of us.  After 2 and a half years I finally asked my primary doctor for medication that would help.  It has helped.

Getting 6 or 7 hours of sleep each night  instead of my former 3 to 4 hours has made a big difference in my ability to function.

Gail

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

How do you guys sleep at night or is that never going to be the same.

I take a sleeping pill every night now.  I was offered them in the beginning but declined, figuring it was a temporary solution to a permanent problem...but I was wrong.  I started taking them off and on and finally permanently, and don't feel bad about it.  We need our sleep to function and it seems it becomes more elusive just as we most need all our strength just to exist!  

I also sleep in a recliner as the bed is a reminder of what I am missing, there is no George to spoon with or cuddle.  Before it was our haven.  The best place in the world to be was in his arms.

[Jttalways]

So sorry for your loss. Always heart breaking when we get a new person to the group.

I hardly slept the week after my husband passed. An hour or 2 here and there. Finally after a week I slept a full night due to exhaustion. Like you I would pace or stare off into space. Now a year later, some weeks I sleep fine, others I can hardly sleep. In March I called my doctor asking for anxiety and sleep medication, but she told me to try over the counter melatonin. I bought it but havent tried it. I do not like taking medication.

I have a lot of family and friends, lots of support, but I like to be alone. I have done a lot of soul searching on my own. I go hiking and bike riding by myself and I see my husband in the clouds, trees, etc. I feel connected to him when i do that.

[Faith1989]

Did you guys have guilt and regret? My mind just races to guilt and then I had from what I belive like an anxiety attack last night, never had one before so not positive but I felt like I needed to crawl out of my skin. I hate this cause I feel like all I'm doing is floating right now.

[Jttalways]

It is natural to feel a lot of guilt and regret. It is part of the grieving process. It's a popular topic on this website. I think we all have looked on past events with the "should have, would have, could have's." Personally I felt lots of guilt and regret after my husband passed, but I knew deep down we did and gave all that we could. I understand the skin crawling, thats why I had asked my doctor for anti anxiety medication months ago. A phrase that helped me when I would get saddled with guilt and regret was "let go & let god." Common I know, also a little ironic since I am not religious. But it helped me to remember that we are not perfect, we are human, and that there are some things that we cannot control. 

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

Did you guys have guilt and regret?

Absolutely.  I still do, though I'm working on forgiving myself for the things I could not change.  All of the "If only I/we/the doctors had/hadn't..." and "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors..." and especially "I should have pushed harder.  I should have known sooner.  I should have..."  I wish I had insisted, dragged my husband if necessary, that we go to Stanford right away, rather than allowing him to wait 2 months until we were visiting for family events anyway.  I wish I had come up with good reasons that he should have had radiology testing yet again, even though he didn't want even more radiation.  I wish I had demanded that specialists see him sooner.  I wish I'd had the power to cure him.  These questions and thoughts, and the guilt or regret that go along with them haunt me.  Not as much as at first and I am making progress on turning guilt into regret and sadness, but the thing is that he is gone and I am still here.

Who else is there to blame but me?  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I blame our medical care system.  I blame the doctors for not taking the change in his symptoms seriously sooner.  I blame one of them for making an assumption that may have delayed earlier detection.  His tumors were in an unusual place and hard to spot.  They were also rapid growth, so maybe they wouldn't have even shown on testing 4 or 5 months sooner.  Nothing had shown on testing the previous winter, so who's to know.  In a perfect world, he wouldn't have had cancer in the first place.  This is far from a perfect world.

And of course I can think of so many things I could have done better through 35 years of marriage.  If I had a do over, I'd be even more loving, kinder, and patient.  I'd let small irritations go without hesitation.  I'd never take for granted that he would always be by my side.  We had a marriage of soulmates, two imperfect people who were perfect for each other.  I will carry regrets for the rest of my life, but I am working hard on not allowing them to smother me.

What you're feeling now is so common as to be nearly universal.  It's only natural that you would question and turn that questioning on yourself.  Sleepless nights, walking the floor, sobbing while begging forgiveness for any faults and failings, and feeling panicky are all typical, though full blown panic attacks require medical care as they can lead to severe health problems.

Your loss is so new and raw that your grief will be all-encompassing.  It will affect you mentally and physically in ways that are impossible to predict.  That you feel as if you are floating is both natural and common.  I call it drifting, as if I'm in a bubble with no control and life is flowing by all around me.  At this point, all you can expect of yourself is to simply get up, get dressed, eat something (that's so important), try to practice some self-care, and just keep breathing.  For most of us, time--and I mean months and years, not days or weeks--allows us to start a journey forward (not "moving on" or "getting over it") while carrying both our love and our grief with us. Being here and talking or ranting or even just reading has been very helpful for me because the members here all "get it" in ways that no one else can.  And they care.

Please keep coming here too.

[KayC]

On 10/14/2020 at 10:01 AM, Jttalways said:

I called my doctor asking for anxiety and sleep medication, but she told me to try over the counter melatonin.

Melatonin is safe and natural, so don't worry, give it a try.  My daughter takes it and it helps her.  It didn't work for me.  But it's worth a try!  Maybe if you try it and it doesn't work your doctor will reconsider?  They should.  And who knows, maybe it will!

On 10/16/2020 at 6:57 AM, Faith1989 said:

Did you guys have guilt and regret?

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[Faith1989]

On 10/17/2020 at 2:50 AM, foreverhis said:

Absolutely.  I still do, though I'm working on forgiving myself for the things I could not change.  All of the "If only I/we/the doctors had/hadn't..." and "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors..." and especially "I should have pushed harder.  I should have known sooner.  I should have..."  I wish I had insisted, dragged my husband if necessary, that we go to Stanford right away, rather than allowing him to wait 2 months until we were visiting for family events anyway.  I wish I had come up with good reasons that he should have had radiology testing yet again, even though he didn't want even more radiation.  I wish I had demanded that specialists see him sooner.  I wish I'd had the power to cure him.  These questions and thoughts, and the guilt or regret that go along with them haunt me.  Not as much as at first and I am making progress on turning guilt into regret and sadness, but the thing is that he is gone and I am still here.

Who else is there to blame but me?  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I blame our medical care system.  I blame the doctors for not taking the change in his symptoms seriously sooner.  I blame one of them for making an assumption that may have delayed earlier detection.  His tumors were in an unusual place and hard to spot.  They were also rapid growth, so maybe they wouldn't have even shown on testing 4 or 5 months sooner.  Nothing had shown on testing the previous winter, so who's to know.  In a perfect world, he wouldn't have had cancer in the first place.  This is far from a perfect world.

And of course I can think of so many things I could have done better through 35 years of marriage.  If I had a do over, I'd be even more loving, kinder, and patient.  I'd let small irritations go without hesitation.  I'd never take for granted that he would always be by my side.  We had a marriage of soulmates, two imperfect people who were perfect for each other.  I will carry regrets for the rest of my life, but I am working hard on not allowing them to smother me.

What you're feeling now is so common as to be nearly universal.  It's only natural that you would question and turn that questioning on yourself.  Sleepless nights, walking the floor, sobbing while begging forgiveness for any faults and failings, and feeling panicky are all typical, though full blown panic attacks require medical care as they can lead to severe health problems.

Your loss is so new and raw that your grief will be all-encompassing.  It will affect you mentally and physically in ways that are impossible to predict.  That you feel as if you are floating is both natural and common.  I call it drifting, as if I'm in a bubble with no control and life is flowing by all around me.  At this point, all you can expect of yourself is to simply get up, get dressed, eat something (that's so important), try to practice some self-care, and just keep breathing.  For most of us, time--and I mean months and years, not days or weeks--allows us to start a journey forward (not "moving on" or "getting over it") while carrying both our love and our grief with us. Being here and talking or ranting or even just reading has been very helpful for me because the members here all "get it" in ways that no one else can.  And they care.

Please keep coming here too.

That all makes sense because that's all that I'm feeling. I sat down with her therapist yesterday and talked for an hour with her and when I mean talked I cried and I cried hard for pretty much the hole session and it felt amazing to be honest. I felt like I was talking to her and she answered some questions for me. But I felt with logistics of everything this past week with handling everything because I was all she really had besides my family I almost became numb and sitting down yesterday showed me I wasn't numb and that I still feel all the pain so deep. 

[Faith1989]

Today have to go get a haircut so I can look decent for her at her service. I have so much guilt because she has been the only one to do my hair for the past 2 plus years. She was a hairstylist for that past 11 years! And she was so amazing at it. She loved cutting my hair becsuse I let her do whatever she wanted aslong as she didn't trim my beard to short ha. I would always ask her babes what numbers are you doing and she would tell me dont worry about it babes but your beard is a 5 thats all you get to know. I miss her so much and I just am lost without her. I dont know even know how to get a haircut without her anymore. I love you baby!

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

I miss her so much and I just am lost without her. I dont know even know how to get a haircut without her anymore. I love you baby!

My heart hurts for you.  Sometimes it's the things we don't realize or expect that hit so hard.  I hadn't done laundry, except when my husband was ill, for more than 30 years.  The day I realized I'd be doing it all from then on, I simply lost it.  I'm so sorry that getting a haircut, something many would think ordinary, is going to add even more pain to your life.  But I have to admit that it warms my heart as well to know that you are going to brave it to look your best for her.

Just keep breathing and know that your love for each other is the strongest bond.  It cannot be broken now or ever.

[KayC]

I hope you made it through your haircut, I know how tough these things can be.

[LuluMrsC]

I too FAITH , lost the love of my life 3.14.2019 & will never be the same.

My loss was compounded by Being the one who found - he had passed.   He did not feel well the night before, so I let him sleep in - only to find he had passed some hours ago in his sleep due to a heart attack.

The first 6 months were a blur, he was only 48 - I paced/walked.cried/no eating.no sleeping.  I did the norm, counseling/etc.  but 19 months later, I still walk, still pace, find myself still sitting on my kitchen floor crying most nights.  But I prefer the dark, because daylight means I’m suppose to be outside & enjoying life - I ended up pushing most away, because they could not understand how I chose to grieve.  I resented anyone & everyone, who suggested I remember the great memories ..... problem is, I only see his blue lips and that morning me begging EMT to fix him.

We were a childless couple - COVID, and isolation has not helped.....so I walk at night around the lake with my pup - not sure this message is of any help, other than to say......go your own path.   I begged upon religion,family,friends - to assist, or let me be.   He was the best part of me, we met as pups @24 and while grateful for 20+ yrs.....I still feel robbed.

[Faith1989]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I hope you made it through your haircut, I know how tough these things can be.

I did but was definitely guilty for it without a doubt! I sent her a picture before and after and told her it didn't look as good as her cuts. I played our song last night and yelled it loud so she could here me. I cried while singing it and it felt good to do so. Today I had all of her canvas pictures done for her celebration of life this weekend. Im actually not looking forward to picking them up because I know I'll cry.

[Faith1989]

15 minutes ago, LuluMrsC said:

I too FAITH , lost the love of my life 3.14.2019 & will never be the same.

My loss was compounded by Being the one who found - he had passed.   He did not feel well the night before, so I let him sleep in - only to find he had passed some hours ago in his sleep due to a heart attack.

The first 6 months were a blur, he was only 48 - I paced/walked.cried/no eating.no sleeping.  I did the norm, counseling/etc.  but 19 months later, I still walk, still pace, find myself still sitting on my kitchen floor crying most nights.  But I prefer the dark, because daylight means I’m suppose to be outside & enjoying life - I ended up pushing most away, because they could not understand how I chose to grieve.  I resented anyone & everyone, who suggested I remember the great memories ..... problem is, I only see his blue lips and that morning me begging EMT to fix him.

We were a childless couple - COVID, and isolation has not helped.....so I walk at night around the lake with my pup - not sure this message is of any help, other than to say......go your own path.   I begged upon religion,family,friends - to assist, or let me be.   He was the best part of me, we met as pups @24 and while grateful for 20+ yrs.....I still feel robbed.

I too was the one who found my love and I have those times in my head oh so fresh and see about every 5 mins and play it over and over too. 

[LuluMrsC]

3 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

I too was the one who found my love and I have those times in my head oh so fresh and see about every 5 mins and play it over and over too. 

It literally is the worst.  I wished those who said it gets better would STFU,  because It doesn’t.  I relive that day all day.  I too have lupus, and my husband thought only of me....and I regret, didn’t pay attention to him..us.   So I walk, pace....because he , was just beautiful....

[KayC]

@LuluMrsC  I am so sorry...my husband also died of a heart attack, we hadn't known he had it but found out he'd actually had one six months earlier that left his heart severely damaged...the doctor assumed it was a diabetic black out but George questioned it.  I wish he'd gone to a different doctor, I wish his had referred him to a cardiologist.  But all that is beside the point now, this happened 15 years ago.  He had just turned 51.  Like you, I was shocked, caught totally off guard.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, and I hope something in it will help you today or at some point down the road...I hope you'll keep coming here.  A place such as this literally saved me when I lost my George.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

16 hours ago, Faith1989 said:

Today I had all of her canvas pictures done for her celebration of life this weekend.

That sounds like a wonderful tribute to do for her.  Praying the celebration of life, while it may have a lot of tears, will bring you some comfort as you see those who love her.

[LuluMrsC]

Thank you KayC.....my Steven had a minor heart attack 6 months before his passing.   He was under the care of one of the top cardiologists in Dallas - he was diligent on all meds/appointments/therapeutics.....his own cardiologist was deeply moved when I called to say he passed.  They were going down a path of the mentioned before putting in a pacemaker/ was told young enough to try ‘these’ steps first.  
 

Before I replied , I had read your post.  Very thoughtfully written - I had hoped for elegant restraint & Grace, as I try to navigate a life with the one and only who ever ‘got’ me.  I’m still stuck....my Steve was buried next to his mom & I can’t still bring myself to get his headstone done.   It’s not a financial thing - but a finalization.....his dad told me it’s time, so tomorrow I go and pull that trigger.   
 

I patiently wait, wait for the grief not consume my daily - so I walk & pace.   Thanks, Lulu 

[KayC]

@LuluMrsC  You have my heartfelt thoughts and prayers today.

[Faith1989]

Today have to go get a haircut so I can look decent for her at her service. I have so much guilt because she has been the only one to do my hair for the past 2 plus years. She was a hairstylist for that past 11 years! And she was so amazing at it. She loved cutting my hair becsuse I let her do whatever she wanted aslong as she didn't trim my beard to short ha. I would always ask her babes what numbers are you doing and she would tell me dont worry about it babes but your beard is a 5 thats all you get to know. I miss her so much and I just am lost without her. I dont know even know how to get a haircut without her anymore. I love you baby!

How often do you guys feel like its not real?! I feel everyday that its not real and that I'm just waiting for her to walk in the door! I feel thats its not fair and I wish I could've taken away everything just for her to live a peaceful life. Her therapist thanked me the other because she said that I had given her peace in her life and she had never had that before. Just not sure if that was from faith or her.

[KayC]

I felt like that much of the time in the early time...it's been 15 years, I well know he's not here and this is my reality now.  We were so happy, why would the universe want to go and wreck that?  (It's rhetorical, I know there's no answer.)