Realisation

[Yoli]

Last night I came to the realization that I do not have anyone to look after anymore and I don't have anyone to look after me. I am no longer anyone's number one priority. That's a tough pill to swallow.

No children, can't have pets in our rental. We just had our own little world not expecting for it to be snatched away in a matter of an hour or less one shitty morning.

[Perro J]

On a similar note, I was thinking earlier this week - who is going to get my stuff after I die now? I thought I was on track to getting married again and was thinking that I knew who I could write as a recipient in a will. Now that problem is back. Not that I am wealthy, but who gets this stuff when I'm gone?

[Gail 8588]

Yes.  I believe this is one of the reasons our world feels so shattered. 

Separation from one we love is painful even in small doses. Children placed in time out want to be allowed back with their parents, the thought of being shunned will keep people their community even if they are unhappy, banishment was a terrible punishment historically.

We have been separated from the one we love most.  We can never get out of this time out. All we want is to be back in the arms of the one we love and who loves us. 

We feel abandoned and alone. It hurts. 

I think that because we are hard-wired to not like this aloneness, drives many people find a new relationship. 

Just my thoughts. 

Gail

[Missy1]

I thought about that as well, but now nothing material matters anymore. Let them fight over it, steal it, I don’t care. This place where we are forced to exist cares about stuff, not the place where we will all ultimately go. I am already dead inside.

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

. . . I am already dead inside.

Missy, 

I hear you and I know I felt that way for a long time too.  Nothing mattered to me. The pain of my grief was at the maximum my brain could register. I felt certain that if I was hit by a truck or something I would feel no pain, because I was maxed out.  

I want to tell you it does get better.  If you just keep going, one day you will realize you have changed. You are no longer dead.

Don't give up hope. You are still in your first year.  I was a zombie my first year. Everything hurts so much the first time you endure it without your love. 

Hang in there.

Gail

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Perro J said:

I thought I was on track to getting married again

Best to get used to being on our own and learning who we are as a person by ourselves before going there...I tried that and it was a disaster!  We are very vulnerable in our early grief!  Seriously, I would not wish on anyone what I went through, I'm still paying for it.

 

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Don't give up hope. You are still in your first year.

Yes.

[foreverhis]

Indeed, I often wonder now who will be there for me, who will support me in every way through thick and thin.  Well, I'm going to have to figure that out it seems because I learned yesterday that I'm going to need a knee replacement within the next 2 years.  My new orthopedist suggested a conservative approach for now (physical therapy, elevation and compression after activities, and a stronger anti-inflammatory), but showed me the various images and explained why ultimately the combined issues cannot be permanently resolved by any other type of surgery.  The goal for now is to help me continue to lose the 45 lb I gained while we were fighting my husband's cancer and then the first several months afterward, to reduce some of the inflammation, and to strengthen the surrounding areas. (BTW, 10 pounds down over the last 6 months--It's a start.)

But in the not too distant future, I'm going to have to deal with major surgery that will restrict me for weeks afterward.  It's not as if I have the money to hire home care and because our healthcare system is so screwed up, it's not an option through my insurance.  Oh, they'd pay for me to stay in a rehab facility for weeks at a much higher cost and huge risk to my health, but not to have a home health aide and nurse come by a few hours a day to help with things.  Stupid.

I know I'm lucky that I have a small circle of good friends who live very close by (as in, on the same block).  They've already chimed in with ways they're going to help and I know it gives them a concrete and specific way to show they care.  But it's not the same as having my love here with me, my one person I knew would be there no matter what.

So many fears and concerns for the future.  It's one reason I try not to look too far down the road because it scares the heck out of me.  I no longer fear death, but I do fear being a burden and alone.  I fear for my finances as well.  Will our modest retirement savings and the small pension I'll receive be enough?  I guess I'll just have to keep doing "one day at a time" and figure it out as I go along.  What other options are there, really?

[Yoli]

Today, walking on the beach with my friend another realisation came to me... absolutely EVERYTHING I do now will forever be touched by sadness.

[Gail 8588]

Yoli,

I am not sure this will be true forever for you,  but I agree that every good thing that happens in my life is accompanied with the thought 'I wish John could be here'.

I don't think this continues to be true for every happy event for those who enter into a new relationship. 

In my situation, I don't think I will have another relationship (which I am totally okay with) so I may feel this way forever.  Others, who do find love again may only have this feeling with events connected to their prior life - such as birth of a grandchild.  

You don't know what lies ahead in your life.  There could be many joys that are not tinged with sorrow. 

Peace

Gail

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm going to have to figure that out it seems because I learned yesterday that I'm going to need a knee replacement within the next 2 years.

You'll need rides to/from your doctor but I think you'll be able to recover at home, our pastor had it done and was back preaching that Sunday, standing up, although they provided a chair for him & assistance if needed.  He has his wife to drive him but maybe a friend or neighbor would do that for you?  

I have the same concerns about my hands as I need surgery in both of them desperately.  I have no idea how I'll recover alone, will do one at a time.  I just hope it's not in the dead of winter when I need to shovel snow, etc.  My firewood guy offered to bring wood up on the deck for me once a week if I need it.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

You'll need rides to/from your doctor but I think you'll be able to recover at home, our pastor had it done and was back preaching that Sunday, standing up, although they provided a chair for him & assistance if needed.  He has his wife to drive him but maybe a friend or neighbor would do that for you?  

Oh yes, my neighbor friends are already practically dividing up tasks amongst themselves.  I know that they'll be there.  I know my sister and/or sister-in-law will come down if I ask, and I know they'll want to help.  Our daughter will want to, but she's in Seattle and, as a now single mom, has to consider our 12 year old granddaughter.  Plus, she just got laid off due to COVID, so that's another stress for her. 

But I also know it won't be the same and that's what hurts so much.  My husband and I saw each other at our best and our worst and everything in between.  No one knows me like he did.  No one ever could.  So I know that I will cry and be upset simply by the fact that he is not here--and I know he would want to be.

You should definitely try to have your hand surgeries during a time of year when you don't have to do things like shovel snow, but I know that may not be an option for you.  Would your son be able to come and help out a bit?  I know your relationship with your DIL is...difficult.  Still, I'd think your son should and would want to help where he can.

Boy is this difficult, isn't it?

[KayC]

My son can't get away from work, he works up to 80 hours a week and my DIL is always piling more on him from home.  She was a stay at home mom until recently she started working part time from home, but she often leaves dishes, laundry, kids' baths, in addition to vehicle repairs, home repairs, paying bills, etc. for HIM.  I have to fault him for letting her.  He said he picks his battles carefully, I'd pick a whole lot more of them myself!  My little sister could have but now she is working for her husband's business and can't.  I'm so desperate to end this pain, I'll go through the surgery whenever they'll let me!  I don't know how I'll manage alone but recovery will be lengthy...and then I'll have to go through it again.  It would be a whole different ballgame if George were alive.

I'm glad you have neighbors' help!  I pray for lesser rather than greater snows this winter!

[Missy1]

On 10/2/2020 at 11:22 PM, Yoli said:

Today, walking on the beach with my friend another realisation came to me... absolutely EVERYTHING I do now will forever be touched by sadness.

I agree, we shall always feel that pain of loss, not being whole. 

[ccoflove]

There is a sadness when things go wrong and you need a hug and to be loved, and there is sadness when good things happen that they are not there to share in the changes happening in your life. There are good days, but I feel the missing of him always.

[Gail 8588]

My mother-in-law and I discussed this topic a few times.  She was widowed in 2007 and she passed in 2019.  My husband passed in 2017, so she had a decade of experience that she could tenderly share with me as I was ready to hear. 

She missed her love to her dying day. There were joyful days of family weddings and great grandchildren's birth but they were always tinged with the sorrow of not sharing them with her love. The death of my husband, her first born, was more difficult to endure because she did not have her love to share the burden with.

She was the one person who understood my grief.  And after a decade, I finally understood hers. 

Gail

[widower2]

On 10/1/2020 at 4:41 PM, Yoli said:

Last night I came to the realization that I do not have anyone to look after anymore and I don't have anyone to look after me. I am no longer anyone's number one priority. That's a tough pill to swallow.

No children, can't have pets in our rental. We just had our own little world not expecting for it to be snatched away in a matter of an hour or less one shitty morning.

I'm sorry. I'm similar - no kids (and not close to family, I hope you are not the same).  On the plus side, eventually I started to make new friends and after a very long time have considered "dating" (which is almost a morbidly funny concept to me at my age) - part of me hates the idea and feels I would be horrible at it after all this time, but I have nothing to lose and a lot to gain, i.e. not being so alone so we'll see. I guess I'm just saying that your life has changed in such a huge way and I get feeling so much less important in this world - but that doesn't mean your life is over. 

[KayC]

On 10/8/2020 at 12:23 PM, Gail 8588 said:

My mother-in-law and I discussed this topic a few times.  She was widowed in 2007 and she passed in 2019.  My husband passed in 2017, so she had a decade of experience that she could tenderly share with me as I was ready to hear. 

My mom was widowed 33 years, I miss being able to talk to her about George, she was the only one in the family that could truly get it.  She's been gone for six years now.

On 10/8/2020 at 11:10 PM, widower2 said:

I'm sorry. I'm similar - no kids (and not close to family, I hope you are not the same).  On the plus side, eventually I started to make new friends and after a very long time have considered "dating" (which is almost a morbidly funny concept to me at my age) - part of me hates the idea and feels I would be horrible at it after all this time, but I have nothing to lose and a lot to gain, i.e. not being so alone so we'll see. I guess I'm just saying that your life has changed in such a huge way and I get feeling so much less important in this world - but that doesn't mean your life is over. 

For sure, perfect response!