Lost husband from Covid

[Mary34]

I lost my husband of 34 years on September 7 from COVID.  He had been in and out of the hospital and rehab for the last three months.  Started out with an infection in his foot that would not heal.  After weeks of antibiotics they decided to amputate, which we were both ok with.  We just wanted to get on with life.  He did well after the surgery and went back to rehab.  After about a week he was just not himself.  I kept telling the staff that he is not acting right.  He was sleeping and he seemed confused.  After a couple of days they thought maybe he had an infection and he was sent back to the hospital.  I was happy he was going back to the hospital because I could at least be with him.  After six hours in the emergency room they tell us he has COVID.  I had to say goodbye and they moved him to a room. That was the last time I saw him awake. He passed away one week later.  This has been a nightmare.  I was not prepared for this.  I was prepared for him to come home. I just had a ramp built to make it easier to get in the house.  Now I am trying to figure all this out alone.

[jmmosley53]

Mary34,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know your heart is breaking and your world seems to be falling apart around you.  There are no words that will make your pain go away. 

Try as best you can to breath, eat, and sleep.  Wait a little while to make any life changing decisions.  Allow people you know love you, to help you.  There is no right way to grieve so do whatever gives you comfort.  

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

[Knvsmom]

Mary, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband.

I just had to reply because the story of what you've been through almost mirrors mine. My partner of almost 20 years, went into the hospital early September with a foot infection. He had to have part of his heel removed. He was on a strong regimen of antibiotics & had a wound vac on his foot. He was tested for Covid and came back negative. He too slept alot, dealt with tremors which he never had before, and had days where he was completely incoherant. They moved him to a Rehab, where he didn't get the best of care a month ago. Thanks to Covid, I wasn't allowed to see him, so I couldn't check on his condition myself or see if he was getting adequate care. He was tested again for Covid and it came back negative. He was still having all the above mentioned problems, but all he wanted was to just get it done with and come home. He never did and passed away suddenly on the 26th. Thanks to that horrible virus, I never saw my partner the last 3 weeks of his life and he died alone. I'm heartbroken. My neighbor came over the next day to get measurements for a ramp that my partner had called him about building. I just let him know it wasn't needed any longer.

Your loss, just like mine is bad enough, but to not be able to be there for them as they passed away is like the knife twisting deeper into our hearts. My condolences and I wish our situations had never happened at all, but Covid deprived us both of being there when our loved ones needed us most.

[KayC]

@Mary34  I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband died years ago, sudden unexpected loss, and it sent me into shock!  I thought we had years left together, I can imagine this must be some of your feelings now as well.  They wouldn't let me be with him when he passed either.  For a long time that haunted me.  I have to continue our relationship in faith...faith in our love, in his knowing how much I love him and wanted so much to be there for him as he transitioned.  This is a nightmare we want to wake from but cannot.  I want to assure you it won't always stay in this intensity of pain, yet much of it we do have to learn to adjust to and live with, as you undoubtedly realize, life is never as it was again, but there will be good in your life.  George was my "big joy," I have learned to look for the little joys that are around us and not even try to compare them.

I want to leave you with an article I wrote of the things I found helpful in my journey, hoping something in it will help you...today or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.