Observing

[BBB]

Those of you who have years under their belt with loss of a spouse seem to state that thinking about the future, like over the next 10 years I will be without my soulmate is the wrong way to go through the rest of your life. And I agree because just me thinking that over the next 10 years I won't have her around for birthdays, Christmas, any holidays, our anniversary, ANY day that I cannot talk, hold, see or interact in any way will absolutely paralyze me. The irony in that is that these are people who were literally a part of us and now to survive we have to sort of make pretend. We have to not think about the future at all really because when I do it inevitably comes back around to my heart sinking and thinking about my wife won't be there to share it with. We sort of have to cut them out of our future or not think about the future. Forces you to live one day at a time. And even that is difficult some days.

It's all so odd to me since I've always been a planner. This is so not fair to go to grocery stores and see older couples and feel like I've been cheated out of 10 or 20 years with my soulmate. This really really sucks. What amazes me even more is how many widows and widowers there are. So many people that have lost their spouse, the number is astounding.

 

 

[DMB]

I too am living by the day and slowly accepting it.  To look ahead, I can't think about it, so ultimately I am living a day at a time.  Any other way for me right now, I'm a disaster and totally non functional.

Good post, thanks.  Take care

[Yoli]

Timely post. Just last night as I was crying, I was saying out loud how many years together we have been robbed of. Thinking any amount of time ahead gives me feelings of emptiness and the realisation that this is my existence now is just horrifying.

[KayC]

I get it...in my family they live well into their 90s, I was 52 when George died.  I couldn't imagine doing 40 years without him!  But I've done it for 15 so far.

[Gail 8588]

Before my husband died, we were both intrigued by the Zen Buddhist outlook on life. Accepting the impermanence of all things, being in the present.  There are aspects of Christianity that share that philosophy - look at the lillies of the field, they don't stress and look how God has provided for them. . . 

Now that my love is gone, it feels like I am left with no other option but to live only in the present. So I am trying to accept this new way of living as my opportunity to adopt that zen philosophy of being here now. Not worrying about the future. Not longing for the past. Accepting the gifts that this moment brings. 

It is easier said than done, but I am striving to look at life this way. 

Gail

[KayC]

Gail, I love this post.  It fits with what someone in the other thread just wrote about finding joy, and the section in my "tips" that includes that, it helps so much to live in the present!  I often have to remind myself to get back to the present (stop revisiting the future, etc.) I don't live in the past now but of course was there when George first died as I hadn't yet processed it, let alone had time to adjust.  You are right, many of the teachings do follow the same wavelength.  

[foreverhis]

Well, mostly living in the present is what works for me.  Looking too far ahead either makes me angry because we should have had so many of those years together, guilty when I feel I failed him and he doesn't have those years, or overwhelmed/frightened about the years stretching out ahead of me, alone and mostly untethered.

The other reason living mostly in the present is best for me is that when there is something good or funny or kind, I'm more often able to grasp onto it and appreciate the moment.  I've started being able to make plans in the near future (say, 1 to 6 weeks), which is close enough not to make me feel bad, but far enough away to give me something positive to anticipate.

It's bound to be different for everyone though.  I'm sure that some partners find comfort in planning ahead.  It's not good for me, but we're all so different that it might be good for others.