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New Year's Eve


dd45888

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On 12/31/01 at 2:30 am Nikki was driving on a secluded road between Killeen and Georgetown, TX New Year's' eve (New Year's Day) when a car came over the hill and hit her head on.  The other two kids in the oncoming car were asleep.  Nikki died instantly the patrolman said and the other two kids were airlifted to Scott and White.  Nikki was 21 yrs old and the other driver was 23 and his passenger was 22.  They made it after spending time in the hosp.  I did check on them, knowing that even I had fallen asleep at the wheel.  There was no drinking or drugs on any of the kids and I knew it was just an accident and years later I now know she is with God.  But, some days I still have trouble getting out of bed and I cry all day and then others I seem to do ok and am able to carry on with my life.   Today is one of those days and I can't seem to even collect my thoughts without crying, sobbing.  Maybe finding this site will help me, I hope so and along with that maybe I can reach out to someone else.  Thank you.

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I am new to this site. i also lost my 20 year old son in a car accident. Thanksgiving day nov 23, 2006.it's so terrible that we are going through this but to loose your children on holidays is so cruel,but it hurts so much anyday so I don't know if it matters what day but the whole family, celebrating thing comes into play when its a holiday. I am so so sorry for your loss. It appears to me that more people are on the other forums, check out the loss of child forum, it has loss of adult child and loss of teenager both are very helpful. I am a mess and most of the time read posts but I am starting to post. I do hold onto the Hope I will see Mike again, but the pain is always there but I do believe itis God who is carrying me through this ,otherwise I know I would not be able to do it. God Bless you!

Big mikes mom-Patti

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4everjoeysmom

We most definitely will see them again!  It may feel like forever to us, but to them, when we finally have that reunion, it will seem like only a moment has passed since they last were with us.  I believe that, and I believe that s the Hope and the Miracle of God.  Thanks be to Him that we can carry such a Hope through our darkets of days on this journey.  My name is Claudia, and I hang out on Loss of a Teenager and other loss threads here at BI.  Please stay with us, because I can atest to how much this web site has helped me cope.  Blessings of peace and comfort be yours today...  Hugs, Claudia

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Hi Patti, I don't know If you have gotten the other message, my computer froze just as I sent it.  I am so sorry for your loss and Patti I'm sure your still in shock as it has not been that long since your son passed away.  My heart and prayer go out to you and your family.  I do know that God blessed and blanketed me with a peace I had never known that first year.  I thought about killing myself because I didn't know what I was going to do without her.  I just spent New Years Day with my family and was able to laugh without feeling guilty, which had been long coming.  I do know today that she is watching over me right beside God.  I believe that I will see her again.  Patti, I have angel stories about Nikki, I hope you do too.  Please write anytime.  I am just now getting up and getting out and getting on with my life.  I seems like just yesterday tho.  I still have those days that I can't cope and stay in bed a cry all day, but that passes and I feel better the next day.  I know Nikki would want me to be happy.  Something like this should kill you but unfortunately it doesn't .  And I am so glad I found this site.  I think it will really help.  Hope to hear from you soon.  God Bless You and Your family.  Debbie.

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debbie, i did not receive your other post. Thank you so much for your inspiring words.Did you work after the accident? I haven't been working ,I thought I wouldn't be able to concentrate.I am a nurse. I have been thinking about going part-time, teaching classes for nurses aides, but I am scared. I feel like I am becoming "lost" Does that make any sense? Thanks again and God Bless you

BigMikesMom(Patti)

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Hi Patti, I too am a nurse.  I was in my second semester of RN school when Nikki was killed.  Only God knows how I ever got through that.  But looking back I think it helped me.  I had alot of good friends in the nursing program and they were very supportive.  They didn't know what to say most of the time, but they just sat there with me.  Don't think your crazy for feeling lost, you are!  There is a tremendous hole and it just takes time and being able to have people you can talk to and be around even if they just sit there quiet.  I would find myself just wandering around and not even know what I was doing.  Some people are very ignorant about the loss of a child and say "it'll be ok".  Well, it won't and it try not to have those kinds of people around.  But they mean well, they just don't have a clue.  I was not able to work much that first year and as I have said before, I still have those days when I can't work.  And I let myself grieve as I see fit.  I have found that grief is one's own and whether anyone understands doesn't matter.  What matters is that you do grieve and in your own way.  God did send me a little weenie dog I named Doodle Bug (I called Nikki Snickerdoodle :).  She is one of my angel stories.  And believe me she saved my life.  I now have another little weenie dog named Snicker Doo.  They are my girls.  I don't have any other children so they really bring alot of company and comfort to me.  I don't know if you've read about the seven stages of grief, but you can find them online by just typing them into google.  Of course we never go through them by the book and it will tell you this and I don't think I ever could go through bargaining or denial because of course there she was and I knew she was not coming back and there was nothing I could do to bring her back.  But I certainly have gone through most of the stages and back again and again and bounce around.  I don't know if I have gotten to the acceptance part, nor if I ever will, but I have accepted the fact that she is not coming back.  But like I said earlier, I know she is with God.  Someone asked me early on if Jesus came down and ask me if He could take care of my child what would I say.  That has stuck with me all this time.  I thrilled to get to talk to you Patti.  God Bless you.  Debbie

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Hi Claudia,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.  I do believe Nikki is with God and I believe she is watching over me.  I can't do anything without God as I know he is who carries me through.  I am so sorry for your loss as well.  It's hard but I too know I will see her again.  Time has gone so quickly as it's been 6 years now.  I have grown alot since then and have a deeper understanding about life.  Thank you again, hope to talk to you soon.  Debbie

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For dd45888~ We have 4 little doxie dogs!! My husband calls them our 16 little furry feet!!

 I do not know where I would be without them, since my 25 year old son, Danny, crossed over in June of 2004!!

Little weenie dogs!! That is funny! HOT DOGS! My daughter has one, plus a Bassett hound, and I have gotten another Mom that I have become very close to from here HOOKED on long haired daschunds!

GOD BLESS YOU~

LOVE

mamabets

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I am new to this forum.  Actually I am new to any postings about anything.  I can't sleep and can't really function properly.  I married in 1966, over the course of 6 years gave birth to 3 great sons.  At the age off 22 my third son, Tinker (his nickname) fell out of a pickup truck and died.  This happened July 1, 1995.  My second son at age 40 lost control of his pickup on October 27, 2007, it flipped end over end and Joey was ejected.  He passed away on November 20, 2007.  I have Ronnie, which is my oldest son, age 41.  Ronnie and Joey were 10 1/2 months apart.  I am so afraid I will also loose Ronnie before I die.  Sometimes I feel myself hanging onto life by a thread.   I would just like to know how you make it from day to day.  I go through the motions but my heart isn't in it.

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Dear Lacome...

I just wrote this in another post... for whatever it is worth... I understand your fear... Time is not the issue as it feels like a heart beat. We define time by before or after. My heart, thoughts and prayers will go to you tonight.

... and our children

Terry

Deep love and understanding to all....

My Name is Terry and it has been awhile since I have been on this board. First and foremost.... Please to all who have joined this club,( not willingly) my arms and a nod for I do understand. My beginnings, my months, my story, my loss are in the archives of beyond indigo, as then and still now when I enter another phase of understanding and sometimes the lack of, the only place I can now go with acceptance knowing I will be understood or accepted is here.

I am a very strong lady surrounded by the spirit of a very strong little boy, his love and my only way to join him is to move on. This sounds easy, sometimes absurd ...but as time goes on it is that what is expected.

Love is the most amazing addiction in the world. Surpasses drugs, nicotine, alcohol. Love however is not anything ever to get over. Even greater is the love we have for our children. I can assure you, you will not forget but you learn to celebrate.

You do have those moments where somethings triggers and you find yourself in a place where nothing seems clear, you float through, you go through life's mechanics ( because you have to) and find yourself somewhere that's okay... you get through.

Yes I am here, this is so much a surprise to me after this amount of time but once again, this loneliness, the ache, the air that we breath sometimes just does not go deep enough... it is then our children give us a gift.

My wonderful story... New Years we went to chicago, my dearest best friend found her self in a vulnerable helpless situation where her son was working, tired and in her fear started to panic. As she had time to prevent her son from having an accident, falling a sleep behind a wheel like my Michael.

She did, her son is fine but it brought me into a phase of grieving I was never before. I never had the chance to try to fix it.... Living her step by step motion was all that I would ever expect her or I to do, but I never had the chance.

My tear ducts opened, in a way I do not feel they ever really opened before.

Last week I attended a week long convention in Atlanta. Many miles from home and several weeks since the New Years. My "new" husband ( some good things do happen) and I decided not to sit through an awards ceremony and hang back, when this absolutely beautiful older woman, in a gorgeous velvet gown ask if she could sit with me.

Almost instantly... she started telling me about her grandmother in Turkey and as a young girl, when she was upset, her grand mother would have her sit in front of a window, looking at the water and this little girl would settle down as if she was looking at a movie. Her grand mother knew and told her parents watch her, as she is a gifted child.

She then told me about her mom, going into an operation and she never left her side and saw everything but also knew her mom was going to be fine. In actual time, this daughter was sitting in the waiting room with her father, but yet never left her mother.

She knew my Michael... she knew my mom who I lost a year and a half ago, and knew when my mom passed that Michael came for her. This was unbelievable as I was with my mom when she sat up in her bed ( now my mom was so ill she could not move) bent down grabbed someone's hand leaned forward, gently kissed the hand with her eyes wide open and a smile that would light the world.

Our children do not leave us.... especially when we least expect it, they give us what we need.

She told me My Michael keeps leading me where I need to go and what was especially sweet... she is a Catholic yet a psychic. This made it very personal.

I am so sorry this is long... my greatest message is breath... Our babies never leave us. I am a Mommy who has to have faith... and my Michael pops in once in awhile to remind me.

Love Terry

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Hello,

My name is Debbie and thank you for sharing your story.  I can't really tell you how, all I know is God and the faith the I have that Nikki is with HIM.  We do go through the motions even when our heart is not in it.  I tell myself "just put one foot in front of the other and God will do the rest".  I am so sorry for your losses.  My heart breaks for all of us on this site.  I didn't have any more children, because all I ever wanted was a little girl and God brought her as a gift to me and my family and what a gift she was and still is.  I wondered and I guess I still do,  that if Nikki had answered her phone on New Year's Eve maybe she would have been a few minutes later and things would be different.  But when I look at it logically I know that when God is ready for us, we go whether we want to or not.  If I believe that for everyone else even myself I have to believe it for Nikki too.  It took me years to say this but it really was her time.  It breaks my heart and crushes my soul, but there is nothing I can do but go on and make her proud of me.  Begrudgingly alot of the times.  God Bless you all.  Debbie

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Thank you for your wisdom.  I loved what you said and I could not have said it better.  Thank God I found this site.  It really does help although it is hard at times to get on here.  My heart and soul goes out to everyone here.  At least we have each other..  Thank you again, Debbie.

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Thank you for your wisdom.  I loved what you said and I could not have said it better.  Thank God I found this site.  It really does help although it is hard at times to get on here.  My heart and soul goes out to everyone here.  At least we have each other..  Thank you again, Debbie.

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Thank you for your wisdom.  I loved what you said and I could not have said it better.  Thank God I found this site.  It really does help although it is hard at times to get on here.  My heart and soul goes out to everyone here.  At least we have each other..  Thank you again, Debbie.

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Thanks so much for answering my post....at least I think it was to me...."locome" not "lacome".  My mind tells me that I know my sons are in a better place, they had a mission on earth to complete and finished, they love their family still, all the things we tell ourselves but I find thoughts of "what could I have done or said to prevent this?" are always lurking in the back of my mind.  I look back at all my shortcomings as a parent and wonder if any of us actually treated our children like we might have known this would hapen.  I never in my wildest dreams thought my sons woud die before me.  I use to have nightmeres that all three would be on a bridge and it would blow up but I blew it off as protective motherhood.  I wonder now if it was a premonition.  If so,  my surviving son was also there so now does that mean he will also pass away before I ?  Every day is a chore to complete.  I work myself into exhaustion so I can sleep.  There is a business aspect to death that for the time being keeps me busy but know someday I will have to do something with Joey's things.  Tink was a college student so he had very little.  Joey had a 2 bedroom apartment and we have his things moved to a storage.  He is a pack rat too.  Joey has a 9 year old son of his own.  I want him to have everything but he is oly 9.  He wants to keep even Joey's  toothbrush.  I will give it time.  Anyway....thanks for the post.

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Hi Locome,

Yes that message was for you.  You have nothing to feel guilty for especially the way you feel.  Let yourself feel whatever you need to.  I can sympathize with the fact of premonitions.  Before Nikki was killed during the month of December I was working in Odessa and lived in Midland and would get off about 7 pm and when I would be driving home I would get this awful feeling that a car was going to come across the road and hit me.  I honestly had no idea why and I don't know if I was being told something or not but I haven't felt that since Nikki's accident.  That's weird I know but true.  Lo I also had to clean Nikki's apartment out.  I kept everything, even her razor and toothbrush.  I eventually have given most of her things away, like her clothes and some personal items that other people actually wanted.  Now I see some of my friends in one of her t'shirts and I have to smile, knowing how Nikki would have loved that someone want's her close to them.  She so loved people and she never met a stranger.  I am so glad I found this site.  Please don't be hard on yourself, it does take time and more time.  It has been 6 years since Nikki died and somedays it still feels like just yesterday.  I really enjoy your emails so keep writing.  Love and peace to you and your family.  debbie

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Thanks for the post...sometimes it's easier to deal with if you can talk to others with similiar problems.  Joey was divorced and has a son age 9...he is the imge of his father.  I really have to watch myself with him.  He is NOT my son.  I have been his care giver most of his life and luckily will continue this way.  He asked me the other day if I ever dream about his dad.  He says he does all the time.  He is Joey's sole heir and refuses to give up anything.  He insists on wearing his dad's socks and has even gone so far to use his dad's toothbrush.  I will play this one by ear.  How old was Niki when she pased away ?  Any children ?  My youngest son...Tink, was 20 days short of his 23rd birthday.  No children, we thought there was but the mother finally says the little girl isn't.  Maybe some day I will know for sure.  I still have alot of Tink's things.  He spent 4 years in the Air Force and was going to college.  Joey was a engineer with the railroad.  I take it you live in Texas.  Been to the same towns.  I worked pipeline with my husband for 6 years.  We are both retired and life certainly isn't what we planned.  I have been tobacco free for 2 years but while Joey was in the hospital started smoking again.  Going to quit again soon.  Joey's ex-wife and I are on good terms so that makes it easier as far as my relationship with my grandson.  You seem like a terrific person.  Also keep writing...I will answer.  Bless your heart. 

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Hi Locome,

I love getting your mail.  Thank you.  Nikki was 21 and she was my only child.  God blessed me with a little weenie dog I named Doodle after Nikki was gone 3 months.  She save my life.  I wanted to kill myself, I didn't know how I was going to get through and my faith was shaken, terribly.  But I did not lose all faith and God blanketed me with a peace I had never and have never since felt.  Now Doodle has a sister named Snickers and we just fit right in together.  Nikki's nickname was Snickerdoodle.  I know she had something to do with me getting these babies, I swear I see her in Doodle.  Locome, I still wear Nikki's clothes, her bras, use her razor, all kinds of things.  I don't want that to ever change.  I still have the coat she was wearing when she was killed, I had given it to her for Christmas.  It's still sad to look at it but I refuse to give it away.  I could not do anything if not for God guiding me.  And even when I'm unable to put one foot in front of the other, God lifts me up and I live really close to my mother and sister so they help alot too.  I am a charge nurse for the State and I was in RN school when Nikki died.  She had started college in Killeen to be a history teacher earlier that fall and I had started RN school.  Only God could be responsible for me graduating, because I don't really remember that much about it.  I also had alot of good friends that helped.  I was not hardly able to do anything but be lost.  It was good talking to you, talk to you soon.  deb

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4everjoeysmom

I can SO relate to how getting a puppy can save a life.  I got my little Shih-tzu, JoJo, a month after Joey died.  His name is very special too.  I know it sounds strange, but like you Deb, I can see a few little character traits that remind me of Joey, especially when JoJo is acting like a "little buster".  I have since added a Mini Schnauzer to our pack, her name is Adie.  I can think of countless times when they have licked my tears, moaned when I cried, and acted silly to make me laugh just at the right times.  I'm sure God sent them to me for my comfort and pleasure.  It's pretty remarkable that i could even access these breeds where I live, in the Ecuadorian rainforest.  But I have them, and they are so very precious.

My Joey was exactly a week from turning 24 when he died.  Next Thursday will be 18 months.  It's still sometimes like a dream to me, a bad dream.  But like you, I know he is in good company with the Lord, and I am living by God's mercy and grace literally one day at a time.  My heart goes out to you all as we continue our journey in longing for our children.  Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

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Hope you're doing good......I bet you are proud of your daughter's accomplishments.  It never amazes how things just happen when you need them to.  I heard some place that nothing with God is ever a coincidence.  After our youngest son got killed I encountered several people whose children had died in far worse circumstances than our "Tink" did.  I can't imagine how parents of suicide victims are able to maintain their minds.  I met a lady whose 18 year old son had died in a automobile accident that she had been driving the car.  We developed a great friendship, worked together and still are friends.  I believe God led me to this site. I can't pretend to be any expert about anything but I do know that witout faith in God life isn't worth living.  It is the after life I am looking forward to.  Eternity has to be wonderful.  My sons are there and I want to see them again.  From 1992 until 1997 my husband and I both became middle age orphans, lost our siblings and our son.  We have had 10 years to deal with that now we face the passing of another son.  I am thankful for the 10 years and know now that life on earth may cease at any time but life never completely ends.  I know not to make plans for too much in the future, to love with everything I'm worth and accept what happens no matter what.  We have no control.  Well......you take care of yourself...love your memories and cherish every minute...thanks for responding.

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