Members Slink Posted July 24, 2011 Members Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 I have so much to share, I simply feel so much pain.My mother passed away on June 10th, 2011. About a month and a half ago. I was.. exactly 19 and a half-- my birthday is on dec 10th.My mother is and always has been an interesting person. I badtalked her a bit to my friends, but we were very close, in an unusual way. We didn't get along much when I was younger. She was crazy and demanding, I was childish and immature. I have an older brother-- he's three years older, but was born brain damaged and mentally disabled. He's my half brother, we share a mother but his father is from a marriage that my mom did not enjoy. She divorced my father a long time ago, but I have always been her golden child. She was incredibly innapropriate-- she sang Christmas songs that were entirely about genetalia (not sure what the language rules are for this site) to the tune of "deck the halls". A good half of my friends has seen my mother in her crazy, naked glory at one time or another. She believed the entire world was against her, she'd embellish any story so much. If you looked at her wrong, she'd come home and tell us all about the "asshole who came up to her and cursed her out for absolutely no reason." I took everything she said with a grain of salt. She broke the law. She stole items from malls such as clothes for me and random knick-knacks. Regardless of her crazy, she raised me right. I'm intelligent.. At least I think so- I think I inherited some sense of cocky pride from her and my modesty from my shy father. Even though, in the later years, she demonstrated no regard for rules or laws, and she herself was very rude, I know right from wrong. I study hard, I work harder, and I've walked away from friendships with people I feel are morally lacking. My friends used to joke that they don't know how I came out "right"-- but somewhere along the way she taught me everything I needed to know.I moved out of the house two weeks before I was eighteen because I just could not stand my mother! I was in college already (graduated at seventeen) and she took my car away from me (After all, it was hers), tellingt me if I didn't live with her, then I didn't get the car. I didn't care- after all, I wanted a healthier enviroment then she had provided for me. I had a good childhood (pre thirteen) but the last couple of years my moms demanding and crazy attitude had just driven me crazy. After a week or two of haven moved out we made up. I got my car back and I visited her all the time. I began to like my mother. She had gotten her fair share of DUI's and didn't have a lisence any more-- she still drove, but she used it as an excuse to call me and make me take her places. I never moved back in, but I talked to her every day and saw her a couple times a week. She began to realize I was serious about my independence and she began helping me out financially (she recieved a large sum of child support from my father, and she started giving me some) each month. We went out to dinner. I took her on errands. She used to get so upset if I didn't answer the phone- I have an iPhone and it stores all my voicemails for seemingly forever. I have messages of her telling me "If you don't answer the god damned phone in five minutes I'm going to disconnect it then I'm coming to your house and taking your car!!" - I have another saying that she hadn't heard from me in three days, and she was getting scared and didn't know where I was. She undoubtably loved me. Anyways, fast froward to June 10th. I had spoken to her-- seen her, the day before. Normal, like I do all the time. On june 10th I woke up early and convinced my boyfriend and a roomate to go with me to costco-- I left my sell phone at home. I wanted to get a membership. It was so important that I get one because I wanted to buy my dog Costco dog food. I thought he might like it. I'm filling out the membership card, and I get a free card for my mom. She just has to come in an pick it up. The lady was taking my moms information- name, address, telephone number. I recited it easily. The lady asked me for my moms birthday. I remember laughing and saying "Oh my god, I know its july-- I know it is! I can't remember the day. My mom is going to be PISSED. she's going to come in here and see that I couldn't remember her birthday and she's going to call me up and make fun of me for being a bad kid!" I thought it was so funny.When I finally got home, I saw I had three missed calls from my dad. In a row, with like five or ten minutes apart. I knew it was wrong the moment I saw it- I love my dad, don't get me wrong, but he lives far away (we moved) and he's a patient man. if he calls and I don't answer, he waits for me to call back. My mom was the person who believed "Oh, they didn't hear the phone ring... I bet they will if I try again and again!". I told adam and I said that I bet it was terrible news. And then I laughed and said that it was probably excellent news- that it had to be one or the other. and after all, I'm a nineteen year old girl, I don't really get bad news that often. We were joking about it while I called him back. He answered on the first ring- I didn't even get out a customary 'hey dad!' before he said "Christina, I have some pretty bad news". I felt like crap when I heard that- I had just been joking about it and it seemed tragically comical that he would use that phrase-ology. I immediately assumed it was my grandfather. The man was over ninety five, and lived in palm coast- which, at the time, was experiencing dangerous wildfires. I was about to ask if my grandfather was okay, when he said "Your mom passed away, honey. I'm sorry." I managed to ask him what happened with a straight even voice, and when he said "I don't know" I remember letting out some sort of strangled cry and hanging up on him. He called back, but I didn't answer. I threw my phone across the room (I inherited a flair for dramatics from my mom) and just started bawling. I found out she had a drug problem and died from a methadone overdose. She had been on pain medicine for years for various reasons, and she was terrible at taking her perscriptions correctly. Sometimes she'd take to many and sometimes she'd forget to take them at all. With methadone, however, taking "an extra pill or two" (or four or five) will definitely kill you.I feel this compulsive need to be strong. I have so much I have to do... I'm lucky I have my father for financial assistance but he's so far away. Theres so much paperwork and every week I have a list of things I have to do. This week? I have to renew the foodstamps for my brother, I have to find him an apartment, sign the lease. He just got approved for section eight housing but I need vouchers filled out and he has doctors appointments and I have a final for my science class due. I don't know how to take care of myself, let alone a twenty two year old boy who has no job, no home, no friends, and more emotional problems than I can deal with. I feel like I'm drowning. Today I was driving home from work listening to the oldies radio- seemingly an okay day. Suddenly, "calender girl" came on the radio... My mom used to since that song to me, it was our song. She replaced "Calender girl' with "princess girl" and would sing it to me when I was five.... I couldn't stop crying and nearly got into a car crash before I pulled over on the road and calmed down.Sometimes I go through days without feeling upset or hurt. I can mention my mom and feel sadness and emptiness at her being gone, but sometimes the thought at her sends me fleeing to my bedroom in tears. I feel blessed because my boyfriend lost his father when he was seventeen and I feel like he understands me.Things that used to not phase me scare me to death now because I realize how lonely I am. I live with boyfriend and roomates, but next month me and boyfriend are getting a place just us. I wasn't worried, because if things ever got bad between me and the boyfriend I'd just leave. I had another bedroom and a house and a lady who would cook and clean for me if the "real world" got tough on me. Now? If things don't work and I want to just /leave/ I can go stay at some friends parents house. I don't exactly have my safety net anymore, and it scares me. A couple months ago, me and my boyfriend got into a bad fight. I was upset and spent the night at my mothers. No big deal, we made up a couple days later. I knew I'd have to take care of my brother, but I don't feel ready anymore. I feel no drive to succeeed in college, and I want to just stay at home all day.I don't know.This wasn't coherently written and I apologize if it's difficult to decipher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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