Super Stupid

[BBB]

This may sound stupid to some of you, others will possibly connect and understand. My wife and I were as close as any couple can be. We literally took the phrase, "And the two shall become One". We were one, did everything together, tackled life as a team, as one unit. 

Here's the part that I can't understand....I would have thought that one a spiritual plane, she would come back. Issues words of comfort, I envisioned apparitions from time to time. When she was here, we would occasionally talk about death, although not frequently because neither one of us liked the topic much. We made a pact to come back to earth at times, and if it was through another person we would use a code word. She died earlier this year but to date....nothing. I keep waiting and expecting her to show up audibly, visually but nothing but a blank canvas at home

 

[KayC]

I don't think I expected an apparition, I know if it was possible, George would have reached out.  We weren't just a "couple," we were more like what you described, one.

[BBB]

I guess that's the thing "If it were possible". I think why wouldnt it be possible? If they are angels or spirits at a much higher level or plane then it should be possible. We're just human but if we can think it, at some higher level it should be something that is possible. Just my opinion.

What I do know is that my life pretty much sucks now. Stands to reason though, when you had a life that sucks, then someone comes into it and makes it good, then you lose the person that made it good, life would then suck.

 

[Gail 8588]

BBB,

I have not seen an apparition but I do often feel John is with me.  We knew each other so well, having been together for 40 years that I often know what his opinion would be. 

One time, about a year after he died, I was rushing around getting ready to take a trip out of town. The yard needed to be mowed and I quickly was mowing just the places where the grass was the tallest.  I knew my husband would not approve.  In the yard, pushing the mower I had this long discussion with my husband - with him saying for goodness sake Gail do a proper job on this. The yard is going to look terrible if you leave it this way. And me arguing, I'm already late for getting on the road, this lick and a promise is going to have to do. Him urging me to take the extra 15 minutes to do it properly, out of respect for our neighbors, and to take pride in a job well done. ...

I ended up shouting at the sky that if he wanted it done properly he shouldn't have died and left it all on me.  This haphazard job is the best I can do right now. 

I am sure the neighbors thought I was nuts. 

Maybe I am nuts.

I do still have these discussions with him.  I know I am holding both sides of the conversation.  I don't think it is John actually talking to me from the otherside.  But I know what his position would be and I consider his input as I decide how to proceed. 

I often feel he is proud of me. 

Gail

 

[SSC]

The other day I had to go buy salt pellets for my water softener.  I was so irritated that I had another chore to do that was heavy lifting.  I decided to go buy them after a long day at work and of course I was in tears feeling bad for myself, a lone woman having to lift and carry heavy bags of salt to my car.  In my head I berated my husband for leaving me to do the things that he would have done for us.  No kidding, two seconds later a man came up to me and offered to help lift the bags for me.  I was stunned.  
 

I think our partners are around, doing the best they can for us.  There must be a reason they cannot connect with us, giving us a perfect knowledge that life continues.  

[BBB]

Glad I'm not the only one who berates their spouse for leaving. Obviously not their fault but there are times I get mad at her for leaving. And the apologize

 

[Missy1]

We also had a pact to find a way to let the person know they are okay, send a sign. He stuck around for at least a week, undeniable things occurred in the house. A broken furby started talking the day I came home from the hospital and he had died. Nothing moved around it to set it off, in fact I was out side the closet where it was stored beneath other items when it started taking. It said it was scared and hiding, bright light. It also said it was “hot”which was spot on, because my parents had cranked up the heat to 75 degrees I was a bit irritated because we love a cool house, I kept my mouth shut they are older, but we don’t heat above 65. He letting me know it was him.
The darn thing said stuff I didn’t know a furby could say. It went on and for about 15 to 20 min. Then it stopped chatting and has NEVER functioned again since that day. I knew it was him for so many reasons between us. I told him that night to stop hiding from the light, I got his message and to go and find me when it’s my time and that I couldn’t wait to spend eternity with him. He still stuck around for a few more days, lamps flicked back on and things moved or fell to the floor for no reason. 

I feel he is still by my side, I don’t know if it is always or sometimes. I do know when I need him he is there. One has to look at the unexplainable odd things that happen, they try so hard to communicate with us. Quiet your mind, listen and look, maybe you will get a sign.
 

[paully59]

my loss has been very recent, i still have her picture on the coffee table , i do look up now and then  and talk to her . i'm also seeing what i believe are shadows going by 

but to be truthfull i can 't see how one can move forward if you do what i do , at least not weekly ----- doesn't mean i forget her , i never will on a whole , it's a part of my soul. 

[Missy1]

Sorry for your loss, I don’t think that many of those who have suffered this type of loss are ever the same. I know I will  never be who I was because we shaped each other over the 30 years we were together, inseparable. We became more powerful and dynamic together, without him I am lost and lonely for his love and companionship. Slipped into the fold where those who have lived but are no longer alive, invisible to those who have their world in tact. 

[Yoli]

Missy, your words always resonate with me.

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, BBB said:

Glad I'm not the only one who berates their spouse for leaving. Obviously not their fault but there are times I get mad at her for leaving. And the apologize

 

Far from being the only one, I think almost all of us do that from time to time.  My love and I also were two who became one.  We were best friends, partners, lovers, just everything.  Both very much imperfect, but willing to forgive each other.  Over 35 years, we had a few fights, but we had rules.  No screaming, no cursing, no threats.  But most of the time we were on the same page about nearly everything. 

Our tastes in everything from food to travel to design were almost exactly the same.  Even so there are things I like that he didn't and vice versa.  Now, when I'm making a choice about something, I still think, "What would he prefer," and then remember that I don't have to consider that now.  If my choice is not what his would have been, I'll say, "What?  You don't get a say in anything now.  You left me!"  Of course he didn't leave me; he was taken from us through no fault of his own.  So I tell him I'm sorry for getting angry and tell him I'm sorry for any time I did that when he was alive.

No, you don't sound stupid asking about signs or visitations.  I had some signs early on that I am positive were sent by my love.  Once in a while now, something will happen and I'll ask myself, "I wonder if that was him?"  I've only had a few dreams with him and the first two were nightmares conjured up by my own insecurities and feelings of guilt.

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I ended up shouting at the sky that if he wanted it done properly he shouldn't have died and left it all on me.  This haphazard job is the best I can do right now. 

I am sure the neighbors thought I was nuts. 

Maybe I am nuts.

I do still have these discussions with him.  I know I am holding both sides of the conversation.  I don't think it is John actually talking to me from the otherside.  But I know what his position would be and I consider his input as I decide how to proceed. 

I often feel he is proud of me.

You are not any more nuts than the rest of us here!  I have shouted at my husband more than once that he should not have left me, that he needs to come home now, and that I cannot do this alone.  If I'm at home, I'll do it out loud.  If I'm in public, I've always been a self talker and I do that now.  And then I always tell him I'm sorry for everything.

I absolutely have discussions with him when I'm trying to work things out, make a decision, or having a tough day.  Sure, I know I'm talking to myself, but we were married for so long that, like you, I'm certain I know what he would be thinking or saying and just fill that in on his side of the "conversation."

I think sometimes he is proud of me, but I could do much better.  The only reason I'm even trying is for him.

[Heart&Soul]

I believe our loved ones are around us and they do try to communicate with us we just have to notice the signs. My husband sent me signs in the beginning and has sent me help and guidance throughout.  Just keep yourself open and you will see the signs.

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, BBB said:

Glad I'm not the only one who berates their spouse for leaving.

I think most of us have at times.

I have shared this before but maybe not since you've been here...

Three years ago I was going to file social security and had to hold for an hour and the lady that came on the line said I'd only get $200+/month.  It sent my anxiety skyrocketing as I could no longer work because I couldn't drive at night, I was out of money, I have a house payment, etc.  I freaked out and begged her to doublecheck, as that's not what my statements have shown.  I mean, I worked all my life and even though the IRS "lost" two years full time that I worked, and thus didn't report it to SS, I should still get more than that!  She refused to check and told me to call the local office (1 1/2 hours from me).  I got off and tried them and they'd just closed for a three day weekend.  I was freaked out.  I remember laying on my bed, in high anxiety, when I suddenly felt George's hand on my back.  Immediately it calmed me, as only he could.  No one can talk me out of what I know I experienced...I can't explain it and don't claim to know how these things work...it had been 12 years since he had died and I'd never encountered anything like that.  I'd seen pansies and rainbows and dragonflies and other "signs" but never "FELT" him! 

Anyway, I made it through the long weekend and talked to them on Tuesday, got a real nice guy who filed for me (the CORRECT amount!) and even signed me up for Medicare.  But I would have been a wreck if I hadn't felt George's calming touch when I did, I'd really needed it.

I haven't been able to conjure him up at will, but when I most needed him, he was there.

[MODArtemis2019]

I didn't have expectations on this issue. I've been atheistic/agnostic for many years, so my mind wasn't really open to afterlife visitations. 

But still. At a certain point, I decided that it was ok to interpret particular events as manifestations of my husband's presence. Partly for my own mental well-being, but also because we don't know about everything in the Universe. So it could be. 

At times I have asked him for help when I felt overwhelmed. One day my cat was missing; it was getting dark and I had been looking for him close to an hour and I was scared. I just said aloud to my husband, "Please help me find Gilbert." Before he died, he was the one who always found the cats (even though they're my cats!). Within a minute, I saw my cat coming out of the woods. I just started crying and saying thank you. 

Every time I've asked him for help, it's worked out. Now you could say it's my own inner resources that emerged to do what needed to be done. Maybe it's true. But it helps me to think his spirit is still around. 

Other times it's been sightings of animals or birds in our landscape that let me believe he's around. We shared a love of nature and would always tell each other about cool critters we spotted. It's situational, not every time. 

I sometimes imagine that our lost soulmate spirits are not free to simply go anywhere and do whatever they please. Perhaps they are constrained in ways we can't understand. Perhaps it is a massive psychic effort to project oneself back into the real world, something can can only be done sparingly. 

You are open to it so I think you will experience this as well. But it may not happen according to our timetables or expectations.   

[LovingHerForever]

[Missy1]

Thank you for posting, that was so beautiful, very true! I needed that, it’s  been a rough lonely day, no BBQ or laughter on this Labor Day, just silence, memories of better days and many tears...

 

[Gail 8588]

Hugs Missy. 

I spent Labor Day alone too.  With the pandemic, it somehow seemed less like a holiday, more like just another day. 

It has been a very strange global  social science experiment.  Six months of isolation and still counting.  

I feel like I am going crazy.  Then I feel ashamed that I am whining about my situation, when I am so much better off than so many people in the world. 

I look forward to doing any of the pre-covid normal activities. 

Hoping  a vaccine comes soon.

Gail

 

 

[paully59]

darlene ------ happy bday ! , my departed linda is also on this coming sunday , 1 st bday since here going upstairs in june , dinner out is planned , will wish you a happy birthday and many stars and diamonds .

[Darlene13]

2 hours ago, paully59 said:

darlene ------ happy bday ! , my departed linda is also on this coming sunday , 1 st bday since here going upstairs in june , dinner out is planned , will wish you a happy birthday and many stars and diamonds .

Thank you!  I'll try to borrow some of your positivity and find some joy in being with friends and family at least.  I'm not usually an Eeyore-type but I sure seem that way lately!  Hope you have a lovely day remembering your Linda.  

[KayC]

I've had no contact here all week...west coast is burning up, whole cities gone.  My son's house he's selling AND the house he's buying are both in danger.  So much smoke we can't be outside.  No power, phone, internet, water, nothing...finally came back on!  So no holiday here, it's been hell.

Started training the gal to take over my job (will take about six months) and nothing went right...just kind of how the week has gone.

[foreverhis]

On 9/6/2020 at 12:03 PM, paully59 said:

my loss has been very recent, i still have her picture on the coffee table , i do look up now and then  and talk to her . i'm also seeing what i believe are shadows going by 

Sometimes I think I see him out of the corner of my eye, but of course he's not there.  One time I pulled into the garage and I swear I saw him standing there, wearing his workshop apron (you know, the manly denim kind with all the doo dads for tools) and his straw hat he wore to protect him from the sun.  My heart jumped.  When I looked again, it was just his hat hanging on the hook where he left it, right next to his apron.  I don't know, maybe it was just wishful thinking and this was only 2 weeks after he died when I was looking for him everywhere, but maybe he allowed my heart to know he's still with me.

My husband's ashes are in a very handsome leather cylinder.  I decided to place him on top of our big old entertainment center, which he recarpentered as time went on to accommodate technology changes.  In front of him is a framed snapshot I took of him and our granddaughter just a few months before he was diagnosed.  The quality is kind of crappy, but it captures them so beautifully.  I look at it and talk to him.  At first, I did that a lot.  Now, not as much, but I still talk to him every day and I look at him often.  I tell people, only half jokingly, that he's there so he can "keep an eye on me."

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I've had no contact here all week...west coast is burning up, whole cities gone.  My son's house he's selling AND the house he's buying are both in danger.  So much smoke we can't be outside.  No power, phone, internet, water, nothing...finally came back on!  So no holiday here, it's been hell.

Started training the gal to take over my job (will take about six months) and nothing went right...just kind of how the week has gone.

Oh Kay!  That's awful.  I'm thinking of a word that starts with s and ends with t and that I don't use in public.  Are you safe from the fires?  Well, obviously having no power, etc. and having smoke that thick is not safe, but I mean do you think you might have to evacuate?

We had ash so thick the other day that it looked as if it had snowed.  But we are nearly 100 miles from the nearest fire, so what we get are the smoke plumes.

The really hard part for us is that the heat and air conversions have brought in a thick, cold, deep marine layer that merged with the the plumes.  Walking outside into the fog is like walking into campfire remains.  We are trying to stay in as much as possible. 

And selfishly, I'm annoyed that what is usually the start of our finest weather of the year is so cold and bleak.  I know, that's kind of horrible, so I remind myself how bad it is elsewhere, especially the bay area where my three sisters live scattered throughout.  They're in a version of what seems like hell on earth.  I've told them all that if things get dire, they should pack up the cars and get down here.  We'll figure it out and make it work if necessary.

Prayers and ((HUGS))

[widower2]

 

 

On 9/6/2020 at 8:19 AM, BBB said:

This may sound stupid to some of you, others will possibly connect and understand. My wife and I were as close as any couple can be. We literally took the phrase, "And the two shall become One". We were one, did everything together, tackled life as a team, as one unit. 

Here's the part that I can't understand....I would have thought that one a spiritual plane, she would come back. Issues words of comfort, I envisioned apparitions from time to time. When she was here, we would occasionally talk about death, although not frequently because neither one of us liked the topic much. We made a pact to come back to earth at times, and if it was through another person we would use a code word. She died earlier this year but to date....nothing. I keep waiting and expecting her to show up audibly, visually but nothing but a blank canvas at home

 

Nothing stupid about that at all. But the bottom line is while we all have our beliefs, none of us KNOWS how it works beyond this life. And just because we want something to be true or happen doesn't mean it will, including their ability to contact us directly. It might be "against the rules."  I simply don't think it's something we should count on. Certainly it would seem this is extremely rare at most, if ever. I think most of us have hoped of course me included...to see something, ANYTHING....it doesn't have to be as in your face as the person directly appearing in front of us like some movie, but some sign that gives us renewed hope. 

Speaking of which, this might sound (and probably is) silly, but I did have one such odd moment awhile back. Two years ago I had to put her/my/our dog down. She got him right about the time she found out she had cancer, and he was such a godsend in that time. Crazy but sweet.   After she passed he was even more of a Godsend to me, living alone and abandoned by "friends" (and both her and my families no help) often he was all I had, a lifeline I clung to. When I put him down almost 2 years ago, it hit harder than I could ever imagine putting a pet down could...partly because we had gotten so close after losing her, partly because he was the last tangible link to her, etc. Anyway, about a year after putting him down, I was coming up the stairs to the spare bedroom where the computer is and I (and so he) spent a lot of time...and on the rug near the doorway was one of these round stick rawhides he used to love. This literally popped out of nowhere. Mind you this was quite awhile after he passed and he never left those in that spot, he always had them in the spare bedroom, nowhere near the door, chomping away while I was doing whatever on the computer. And even if he had, there is no way, I mean NO way, I could have missed that after an entire year. Mind you this was not pressed up against the baseboard, but out away from the wall in plain sight. And even if in the severely unlikely event I had somehow not seen this obvious thing sticking out there, if nothing else when I vacuumed, I absolutely would have run over it/seen it. Again zero chance I don't see that then. Not small, zero. I'm really anal about getting close to the baseboards etc when I vacuum and it's too big, and even if I had somehow blacked out every time I vacuumed (do you see how silly this is getting), it would have made a huge noise when I ran over it.  There is just no logical, valid reason for that thing to have been there, period. Shortly after he died I got rid of all his rawhides (there weren't many anyway) and none were upstairs, but all in the pantry. A year later? No way. Just no way. I have tried to explain it away logically and logic fails badly every time.

Does that mean it is some "supernatural" sign from him that he's out there? I'm not saying that. I'm saying I don't know, and I'm saying it's unexplainable enough to make me question and hope that there is something else out there...and if so, and if he's out there somehow, she is too. 

Holy hell I hope so. Sometimes it's all that keeps me going. 

 

[widower2]

On 9/7/2020 at 12:44 PM, MODArtemis2019 said:

I didn't have expectations on this issue. I've been atheistic/agnostic for many years, so my mind wasn't really open to afterlife visitations. 

But still. At a certain point, I decided that it was ok to interpret particular events as manifestations of my husband's presence. Partly for my own mental well-being, but also because we don't know about everything in the Universe. So it could be. 

At times I have asked him for help when I felt overwhelmed. One day my cat was missing; it was getting dark and I had been looking for him close to an hour and I was scared. I just said aloud to my husband, "Please help me find Gilbert." Before he died, he was the one who always found the cats (even though they're my cats!). Within a minute, I saw my cat coming out of the woods. I just started crying and saying thank you. 

Every time I've asked him for help, it's worked out. Now you could say it's my own inner resources that emerged to do what needed to be done. Maybe it's true. But it helps me to think his spirit is still around. 

Other times it's been sightings of animals or birds in our landscape that let me believe he's around. We shared a love of nature and would always tell each other about cool critters we spotted. It's situational, not every time. 

I sometimes imagine that our lost soulmate spirits are not free to simply go anywhere and do whatever they please. Perhaps they are constrained in ways we can't understand. Perhaps it is a massive psychic effort to project oneself back into the real world, something can can only be done sparingly. 

You are open to it so I think you will experience this as well. But it may not happen according to our timetables or expectations.   

Oddly, I didn't see a way to "like" your post, so wanted to say that you're echoing something similar to what I was. Props.  

[KayC]

On 9/11/2020 at 6:35 PM, foreverhis said:

do you think you might have to evacuate?

We had ash so thick the other day that it looked as if it had snowed.

I cracked my windows in my car  in the carport as it was hot and when I went out there the next morning, my seats were covered in ash!  

No fires threatening me at this moment but it can change any time, my son's homes are in danger, both the one he's selling and the one he's buying.  Towns are wiped out here!  Including Mill City, which had a museum with my son's great-grandfather in it for inventing the Columbine, along with the same.  It's so sad, we've lost a lot of history here, Blue River, where I used to fish, gone.

Thanks for caring.  I have power and phone back now, so thankful for it!  It's so thick with smoke no one can be outside.  And then to learn my BIL is dying of cancer, they've been married 50 years, there are no words.

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

I am so sorry.  Life is so hard sometimes.  

I clearly remember times I have been in total dispair, crying that this is just too much, too much for me to bear.

It sounds like you must be nearing that breaking point. But each day we wake up again and what choice do we have but to fumble our way through another day.

I am thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you strength to get through another day.

Hopefully rain will come and the wind will shift and these horrible fires will retreat. 

Your sister will need you during this difficult time and sadly she will eventually come to know what you have known for so long. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[Kimberly Gordon]

I lost my husband unexpectedly on July 6. It's funny (and I don't mean in the ha ha sense) that you and your wife had that type of conversation because I honestly thought my husband and I were the only ones to have a thought process like that. I guess I should've known better. One of the things he said he would do or try to do is write on a steamed up bathroom mirror. 

I spoke about this with a friend who lost both her parents in an 8 month period and something she said made a lot of sense. She said that as spirits, they have to go through the same type of learning process that we have to go through as human beings growing up. So, perhaps she's not "there yet" in terms of her abilities. Don't give up hope on seeing her. She may end up surprising you. 

I'm pretty sure my husband has been by to visit in my dreams a couple of times. I know this because my oldest daughter (my girls are 15 and 13) saw him her dreams the same 2 nights I saw him in mine. So, take this for what it is, but I think they're both still in the midst of a learning curve.

[BBB]

1 minute ago, Kimberly Gordon said:

I lost my husband unexpectedly on July 6. It's funny (and I don't mean in the ha ha sense) that you and your wife had that type of conversation because I honestly thought my husband and I were the only ones to have a thought process like that. I guess I should've known better. One of the things he said he would do or try to do is write on a steamed up bathroom mirror. 

I spoke about this with a friend who lost both her parents in an 8 month period and something she said made a lot of sense. She said that as spirits, they have to go through the same type of learning process that we have to go through as human beings growing up. So, perhaps she's not "there yet" in terms of her abilities. Don't give up hope on seeing her. She may end up surprising you. 

I'm pretty sure my husband has been by to visit in my dreams a couple of times. I know this because my oldest daughter (my girls are 15 and 13) saw him her dreams the same 2 nights I saw him in mine. So, take this for what it is, but I think they're both still in the midst of a learning curve.

Nope, my wife and I talked about that several times. Talked about if we spoke through another person that we'd have a code word, among other things. 

 

 

[Kimberly Gordon]

I think that's really great. I'm truly sorry for your loss and I hope that she is able to come and see you soon. I'm glad I found this website, I think it'll help get me through this.

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

And then to learn my BIL is dying of cancer, they've been married 50 years, there are no words.

Kay, I am so sorry to hear you have yet one more thing piled on top of you right now.  With covid making travel and visiting so tricky and even dangerous to our health, we can't even be there for the people we love sometimes.  I hope your son's houses aren't destroyed.

One of my neighbor friends told me that she forgot to close the windows in their spare bedroom and when she woke up the next morning, the entire room was covered with fine ash.  It took her the better part of 2 hours to clean it up.  I bet your car was even worse than that because you have more and more intense fires up your way.  I'll be thinking of you and praying you stay safe at home.

If anyone thinks climate change isn't real, they only need too look at the extreme conditions throughout the world.  It gets hotter and drier in the west every year.  I was talking to our daughter in Seattle the other day and mentioned what's happening with the merged marine-smoke layer, how wet and cold it is, and how bleak the world seems because of the inland heat combine with the added heat and ash from the fires, which are keeping the coast line socked in, rather than our usual "here comes the fall sun."  Our high yesterday was 57 and our low was 53, while inland they are 10 degrees over what was normal.  She told me it had been nearly 90 at their house yet again--in Seattle, in September!  September up there used to be pleasant, not too much rain, with cool nights.  Not so much now.  They've been frying for the past 3 summers.

 

[foreverhis]

On 9/7/2020 at 4:55 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Then I feel ashamed that I am whining about my situation, when I am so much better off than so many people in the world.

I sometimes feel that way too.  My sister told me she's really been feeling that.  She and her husband have been able to work from home, so financially they're still fine.  They have a good, happy, secure life.  She said that she feels so stressed and anxious sometimes, upset with the restrictions she knows are necessary for us all to get life back to "normal," and that she thinks maybe she has no right to feel that way because others have so many challenges even putting food on the table right now.  She and her husband are doing what they can, donating, overtipping wildly the times they have deliveries made, etc., but she still was feeling guilty for "whining." 

I told her what I try to tell myself:  Just because others have it worse doesn't negate our own difficulties.  It's not a contest where only the person in the worst situation gets to feel sorry for himself/herself or receive help from others.  Having sympathy for someone struggling doesn't mean we aren't entitled to feel bad about our own challenges, physical, emotional, and financial.  It would be as if we all compared how/when/why we lost our loves and then only the one voted "worst loss" would get comfort and help from the rest of us.  It doesn't and shouldn't work that way.

I know I am luckier than many and not as lucky as many others.  I do try to be thankful for what I have.  My husband had as much life insurance as he could, but not nearly as much as he wished because he had a back issue in his 30s.  Still, it was enough for me to pay off the rest of the mortgage, have a few projects done, and have enough leftover to buy a car built this century (ours are 1981 and 1986).  We have modest retirement savings and I wish it was more.  That does worry me for down the road.  Yet, I know women, both on the forum and locally, who had to sell their homes or move in with adult children because they didn't have even a modest financial backup.  OTOH, I know women and men who are very comfortably well off too.  Yet none of those things, no matter how much or how little we have, affects the profound, cell deep grief we all share.

You are absolutely entitled to feel bad for yourself, even as you know that others have it worse.

 

[KayC]

My son has earnest $ down on his new place, praying a hedge of protection around both homes...OR has never been in such a disaster as now,  it's half of it and the rest of it filled with smoke.  Our air quality was over 600 here last night, I had to go to Eugene/Springfield yesterday, it was bad.  I've heard Portland is way worse, I know my son's is (Aumsville).  

I'm going to be gone Thursday through Saturday, a badly needed break before everything hits the fan, you know?  I have someone willing to take Kodie for three days, two nights, praying he is safe while I'm gone.  I feel like a mother bear, I'm terrified to leave him after my losses this last year!

Bert came home from the hospital yesterday, he got his blood let and we'll find out the results soon.  He will meet with his doctor to figure out how he wants to proceed from here.  He doesn't want to talk to anyone.  

However you cut it, this is a shXtty year.

7 hours ago, Kimberly Gordon said:

I lost my husband unexpectedly on July 6.

I am so sorry, @Kimberly Gordon.  You have found a good place here, it helps to express yourself to others that "get it" and we all do.  I just wish no one had to go through this.  No easy way about this.  I'm glad you have a friend that seems to understand.

I want to leave you this article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years...not all of it will speak to you right now, but I hope something does now and something else perhaps on down the road as this is an ongoing process.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Just because others have it worse doesn't negate our own difficulties.  It's not a contest

Absolutely and for sure!  And everything each one of us is going through is valid and worthy of validation!

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Our high yesterday was 57

We were at 100 last week and this week it's 62 for our highs!  Crazy!

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

We were at 100 last week and this week it's 62 for our highs!  Crazy!

It is crazy.  If I'm remembering correctly, parts of the midwest had highs in the 90s to 100s one day and 2 days later, they were under a winter snow warning!

[BBB]

One thing that is just amazing to me that I did not realize until I became a member of the lost-your-spouse group is just how many people lose their significant other. I mean it is mind boggling how many people this affects. I also find it completely and utterly untenable to think about the future AT ALL. Once I start going down that road, depression and anxiety hit. To steer clear of that I can only allow myself to take the very old cliche' - one day at a time. I cannot function any other way. My brain starts going to dark places if I think about 5 year, 10 years from now.

 

On 9/13/2020 at 11:26 AM, Kimberly Gordon said:

I lost my husband unexpectedly on July 6. It's funny (and I don't mean in the ha ha sense) that you and your wife had that type of conversation because I honestly thought my husband and I were the only ones to have a thought process like that. I guess I should've known better. One of the things he said he would do or try to do is write on a steamed up bathroom mirror. 

I spoke about this with a friend who lost both her parents in an 8 month period and something she said made a lot of sense. She said that as spirits, they have to go through the same type of learning process that we have to go through as human beings growing up. So, perhaps she's not "there yet" in terms of her abilities. Don't give up hope on seeing her. She may end up surprising you. 

I'm pretty sure my husband has been by to visit in my dreams a couple of times. I know this because my oldest daughter (my girls are 15 and 13) saw him her dreams the same 2 nights I saw him in mine. So, take this for what it is, but I think they're both still in the midst of a learning curve.

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, BBB said:

My brain starts going to dark places if I think about 5 year, 10 years from now.

Yep!  I can't think about tomorrow, it's too much, I have to stay in today, it is more than enough!  Right now I have these fires, smoke, hazardous air quality, fights with my bank and the Sear's repairmen, and an unauthorized charge on my M/C to deal with.  My BIL dying of cancer, my sister who has dementia.  My kids' lives in upheaval, moving. I really can't afford any more on my plate than that.  Today is enough.  No sense wasting worry on what could happen in the future, can't do anything about it anyway.  I wish I could say I always stay in today but I have to remind myself to get back here often.