Catching yourself

[BBB]

So how long does this last -

Go to the store and say my wife would like that, oh. Thinking about places I'd like to visit soon and think about her going and oh. How long does this last before you don't have to catch yourself ?

[Yoli]

I still refer to We, Our, Us and I don't want to change that. Three months and eleven days.

[BBB]

I still catch myself thinking about her going with me and then realizing she can't/won't be. Wondering how long that lasts until it gets into your brain 

[Gail 8588]

I am at 3.5 years and it still happens for me. Not as frequently as in earlier years. 

[Yoli]

I still can't see referencing myself without including her. She is the other half of me.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, BBB said:

How long does this last before you don't have to catch yourself ?

It will vary for each of us depending on our ability to adjust, we all do it at different rates, it's very gradual.  I'd say the first year or two it happens more.

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am at 3.5 years and it still happens for me. Not as frequently as in earlier years. 

I'm at just over 2 years and the same is true for me.

I still say we, us, ours, etc., but not as often.  I still think of myself as a wife, so maybe that's part of it.  He is still here for me, in my heart and mind.  For the first 18 months or so, I had to constantly correct myself (or not!).  Now the words I, me, and mine come easier.

There are shopping triggers for sure.  Summer peaches?  Oh yes, that's a big one and I suspect it always will be.  His favorite (and usually expensive) ham on sale?  You bet, so I don't even look at the deli counter anymore.  I couldn't bring myself to go to the farmers market for the first few months.  When I did go that fall, I had triggers that simply flattened me.  I'd pick up five Persian cucumbers, which we loved, or a large bunch of grapes and realize, "Oh, I'm only shopping for me."  Then I'd put some back down and the tears would start.  I got a fair amount of complementary produce from the growers we'd been buying from for a decade or more.  The more mundane things no longer trigger me much and I've grown used to buying produce for one.  Even so, there are times it still brings me to tears.

I don't have travel triggers all that much now because I put the notion of traveling without him out of my mind as soon as I could.  I have no interest (or frankly, budget) for it at this point, so I don't think about it.  I am melancholy though when I think of the travel we had planned or when I remember him asking me, while he was in the hospital and heavily medicated, "Do you want to go to Italy?"  We were working on saving for and putting together a trip to England, France, and Italy, so that was clearly on his mind.  I said something like, "As soon as you are well enough, let's do it!"  He clearly meant "now" and seemed confused as to why I'd say we'd go later.  I think that was one of the defining moments for me. I knew in my heart it wasn't going to happen, that it was too late by then.

As with so many things, I don't think any of us can say how long it takes.  Also as with so many things, the shift has been so gradual that I didn't notice it until one day I realized that I'd only picked up two cucumbers or a small bunch of grapes.

[Rhonda R]

I have to agree with foreverhis and Gail, I am just over two years as well and I often refer to Randy in the present.  Maybe I always will?  However, I do find it easier to make decisions on my own and the shopping and laundry, etc.  I can't tell you when it happened because it was so gradual.  I think just like a marriage, where you fall into a routine and think about us, after the death of a spouse, you slowly fall into a routine and make decisions only for yourself, because you don't have any choice.  It then becomes your routine.  Initially, you are so fully aware that every decision you make is missing something.  Things feel off and the world feels out of place.  They are.  It's a constant reminder that you miss that person and your world just turned upside down.  It all takes time and when you are going through it, you can't see any light at all at the end of the tunnel and it feels like it is never going to get any better, but it does. 

[KayC]

When we are relaying a story to someone we often revert back to that time...for instance, my son is 36 but when I tell a story about him when he was little I refer to him as "little Paul" not Paul because that's what I called him then (his dad was Paul also).  It's natural then to refer to memories with George in the present as I am telling them.  I think I usually call it "our place" and never switched to "my place" or when I spoke of something that was his I would refer to it as such.  Most of those things are gone now, our vehicles, camper, animals...

[Michelene]

I still say we and ours--our house, we do this--maybe people are thinking I'm referring to me and my cat. Who cares. I know what I mean. It's still OUR house.