Lost my dad to ALS 20 years ago, I’m only 25 but I miss him so much

[kittokatto_]

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone is wanting to talk. I lost my dad when I was 5 and I remember everything about him so clearly. He had ALS, so he couldn’t speak, but we had our own language with our eyes. He was my life and my grief comes in waves, but especially when reaching milestones. I can’t help but sob knowing he’s missing my nursing school graduation, I’m engaged and he’s going to miss my wedding, and the rest of my life. He’s missed my entire life and I know he couldn’t help it, but the feeling is entirely gutting. He was only 37 when he passed away, and we had such a special bond. I can feel his spirit in me- in the sense that we have so much in common, but he’s been absent my entire life. We’re just connected. People don’t understand how difficult it is to miss someone this much. They think that because I only had him in my life for 5 years that I should be over it. However, I am not. It’s like he took a piece of me with him. It’s a scab that never heals and sometimes I pick and let it bleed, but I keep it there and only let myself bleed when I can’t handle it anymore. I notice that when life gets stressful is when I break down the most and I cry like I did as a child. If anyone understands please write back to me. Sometimes I feel insane. He was the light of my life and I don’t know anyone else who has lost a parent to ALS, or anyone who feels the way I do 

im here to talk- I just need a friend 

[reader]

Dear kittokatto,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I know many of us feel the same at the loss of our beloved parents. Whether we were 5 years old or 70 years old when we lose our parent it is devastating. The pain and sorrow is hard to cope with. You are an extraordinary young person and have accomplished so much. It is only normal to wish that your father could still be here. 

When we are stressed none of us can't but wish that our parent was still her to love us, guide us and comfort us. Please keep taking it day by day and know you are not alone. I personally found these websites helpful in helping me cope.

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

I hope others will come forward and share their experiences. Thinking of you. 

[Mark Coz]

Hey Kittokatto,

Im sorry about your loss on such a early age in life. I am open to talk about it. I lost my mom at 24 and dad at 27 (now im 29). I experience a harsh time too but found a meaningful life out of it. I feel stronger and happier than before strangely. It's time for the adult you to take care of the wounded child within you. You can make this life a wonderful experience. Absolutely sure. You are also strong enough to do so. There is always light. Im up for a chat to give some guidance if you want.

[kittokatto_]

Thank you so much for reaching out, sometimes I feel so alone in this, but I know that I’m not. 

I’m sorry about your loss- grief is not only one emotion, but so many at one time.  
I have my moments where I’m like “I know my dad would be proud” and I can feel his spirit with me, maybe it’s just my own brain trying to protect itself.

 You’re so right about “healing the wounded child” my mom is wonderful and has helped so much, when I lost my dad she placed me in grief counseling, but I completely shut down and didn’t speak to anyone and I never wanted to go back. I have to find time now as an adult to seek help again. I have moments when I’m happy and I live a normal life- I just also break down and then feel SO ridiculous. 
 

How are you? I’m here for a chat too- sometimes I respond late because of work and school, but I’m around. 
 

I’m new to this- so to both of you that responded, you have no idea how much it means to me. 
 

 

[Kirsty111]

Beautiful soul, I can tell you are so receptive to the currents of the universe- do you understand how special you are? You have kept your father as a lodestone in your heart for so long- what a powerful connection. I feel like you will contact him in some gentle and meaningful way through a meditation or dreaming practice- your soul craves this. I know your heart, we want to cry until nothing is left, the loss is too great to acknowledge. I can almost see him watching over you. Reach out any time.. sending so much love.