New Loss

[Sha B K]

My husband of nearly 18-years died on Monday 8/17 after a tragic accident. I’m functioning, but I don’t know what to do. I’m alone as we had no children. My family is unable to travel due to COVID-19. I have felt supported all week but the calls, texts and emails are fewer now. Understandable. Everyone around me has a life of their own. This is my burden to bare and I can’t thrust it upon others. I’m just feeling a little lost.

[Nmark]

I’m just two months into this grief thing so I’m no expert but I can tell you to not be ashamed to ask for support from wherever you can get it. Friends stop texting and calling because they can’t possibly understand the pain you feel. They don’t not want to help they often just don’t know how. I get so lonely and sad Almost everyday still and at times I have to reach out to my family and friends. Even if they just talk to me on the phone for awhile or go for a walk with me. Interactions with  others helps. Especially with people that will let me talk about him because that helps too. Don’t think you have to do it all alone. Of course there are lots of times when I’m all alone that I cry and cry but those times are important to healing too I think. A balance of support and alone time where I can grieve has helped me thus far

[Gail 8588]

Sha B K,  

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Life can be so unfair.

Functioning is good.  Just getting through each day is a major accomplishment in this period of shock and disbelief.  

I hope you do have someone you can lean on, a friend, a pastor, a neighbor.  It can be so hard at times, especially at the beginning.  Come here to vent or question anytime. We are all trying to find our way after having lost our soulmates too.  We understand. 

I am glad you found this site, as there is some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your grief.

Sending you strength and hugs. 

Gail

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, mine also passed unexpectedly 15 years ago, we were supposed to grow old together, not this!  
It is still hard for me to ask for help, but sometimes we have to let people know what we need from them, esp. as they don't get what this is like.  

I wrote this a few years ago of the things I've found helpful over the years, I hope something in it stands out to you now, something else later on perhaps.  I hope you'll keep coming here.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Lars M]

Sha B K  I am glad you found this outlet it helps to write down your feelings and know there are people that have walked a mile in your shoes. Take what you want and leave the rest but I can tell you there are folks like Kay C that share there story and it really helps just to know you are not alone. It still hurts, but your not hurting alone if that makes sense.

[Missy1]

‘‘Tis the most painful, shocking life event one can even imagine, until it happens to you. It’s been 7 months and it’s been brutally difficult, emotionally, financially and all the things in between. I am so very sorry that you have found yourself in this place of grief and loss, this site can be very Insightful and soothing. Not many can relate to what you are going through, we can. 
I am not a healed, entire healthy person since my loss it’s been one thing after another. I have battled so much in the last few months but am still alive. Take it slow and try to stay grounded by whatever means you have. May you find that inner strength to help you get through the days ahead.