Partners

[BBB]

I was reading that 60% of partners who lose their better half, also die within 3 months. Sounds kind of high, although going what I'm going through and what we all deal with on a daily basis, it seems like it could be accurate.

[Gail 8588]

I think your gut reaction that this statistic is  inaccurate is correct. 

I have read about an effect that  a person has an increased risk of dying in the first 3 months following the death of a spouse.  For example if the actuarial tables that life insurance companies use to set their premiums reflect that a 72 year old white woman statistically has a 18% likelihood of dying in the next year - however if her spouse dies, her chances of dying increases by 60% for a portion of that first year.  So that 72 year old widow would have a 28% chance of dying that first year. But the 2nd year she would have the same chance as any other 73 year old woman.

I am not using real numbers here and the actuarial tables are not know to me.  But the concept that a person's chance of dying increases by 60% during that first 3 months is not the same as 60% of widows/ widowers dying in the first 3 months.  A 30 year old person has a rather small statistical likelihood of dying in the next 3 months -probably less than one in a thousand.  But if that person loses their spouse, their chance increases, but still is less than 2 in a thousand even if the risk increases by 100 percent. 

Sometimes percentage increases  can leave a misimpression about the magnitude of the effect. Buying 2 lottery tickets rather than one may double your chances of winning, but still your chance is minusculy small. 

I am not confident that I explained the math clearly,  but I am confident that 60 % of widows and widowers do not die within 3 months of their spouse. 

It maybe true that 60% wish to die during that early grief period. 

Gail

[BBB]

I agree with your last statement, I would be in the 60%

[Gail 8588]

BBB,

I was in that 60% too, for much longer than 3 months.  I can say that now, most of the time, i do want to live.  That's progress for me. 

Gail

[KayC]

I seriously doubt that's an accurate % or a lot of us wouldn't be here.  I know a lot of people who are widowed, they didn't die.  Maybe when they're in their 90s and lose their lifelong partner?  Death would seem easier than what we've had to go through...

[KayC]

But then I found this:
https://www.verywellmind.com/surviving-widowhood-4011236

[BBB]

Yep that's a mighty big number

[Lars M]

I can believe this I am almost 60 and when me wife was in hospice I told the nurse that I would die from a broken heart after she passes.  She said you might? I see it has happened a lot.

[Gail 8588]

Kay,

Your linked article is probably what both BBB and I read, or something siting the same study . It states:

"People whose spouses have just died have a whopping 66% increased chance of dying themselves within the first three months following their spouse's death."

That is not saying 66% of widows/widowers die in the first 3 months following a death. 

It is just saying based on the age, health, and other factors, a person has a statistical probability of dying in the next 3 months and if you add in an extra factor of that person having just lost their spouse, their probability of dying increases by 66%.  So for example, if a 65 year old black woman with diabetes has a 3% chance of dying in the next 3 months, if her spouse dies her chance increases to 5% (a 66% increase). 

All that being said, when my spouse died there were several times in the first 3 months that I actually thought I might die from the unbearable pain of my broken heart.  I did not know how I could endure the physical pain. I thought for sure my heart was actually bursting inside my chest and I would die. Each time I was really suprised that I didn't die. I often wished I had.

I just share this information for those who are still early in this process.  Yes, I do believe the findings of the study that grieving people are at a higher risk of dying than non-grieving people. But it is really just a small increase. Nearly all of us will survive the first 3 months and long after that.  Even though we can't see any point in living, and even though there will be times that the pain is so great that we feel we surely must be dying.

In my case, I can tell you the physical pain of grief has mostly gone away over the years. Replaced by a more subtle ache.  Finding a reason to go on has been more of a challenge for me.

I am sorry I went on so long about this, I just didn't want our newer grievers to think that 2 out of 3 of them were going to die in the next couple of months. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

"People whose spouses have just died have a whopping 66% increased chance of dying themselves within the first three months following their spouse's death."

That is not saying 66% of widows/widowers die in the first 3 months following a death.

True, and that makes better sense stating 60% DIE within three months of their spouse, which I have not seen to be the case!

On 8/22/2020 at 3:48 PM, BBB said:

60% of partners who lose their better half, also die within 3 months.

Increased chance of and dying are two very different things.

Gail you are so right that in the beginning many of us wished we could die...doing so seemed easier than having to SURVIVE them!  True, grief is not for the weak.  Having kids, pets, to live for is incentive, but so is extended family, parents, siblings, friends.  We don't wish on anyone what we are going through so neither do we want to do this to them!  What a quandary this puts us in because quite frankly, we wish to escape this pain, the living hell of having lost the person we most love, the person that made our world!  In time it seems less of a hell although I can't tell you how long it takes to reach that point, it's a struggle, some days worse than others, but little by little we do begin to adjust some.

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, Lars M said:

I told the nurse that I would die from a broken heart after she passes.

It's true.  They actually call it Broken Heart Syndrome.  Apparently, the physical and emotional stress of losing our sweethearts can put so much strain on our hearts that we have the risk of rapid heart failures.  This does not surprise me because there were so many days when I was sure my grief would actually kill me.  And there were days I would have welcomed it.  There still are those days, but they're not as often or as intense.