How

[BBB]

I know this is easier to say than to do that is why I am asking how some of you do this. By this, I mean living just one day at a time. I am a planner and one who's always looked into the future. However, I cannot continue to do that and keep my sanity. It totally freaks me out to think about the rest of my life without my soulmate. I get panic attacks thinking that I'll spend the next 20 years alone and having no contact with my best friend. What are some of the coping techniques that everyone does to try and take things one day at a time?

 

[foreverhis]

Like you, I have always been a planner with lists and things laid out months in advance.  Beyond the necessary legal and personal things, I tried to plan for later, which made me worse, which I didn't think was possible.  Finding this forum and the members here helped me start to focus on the whole "one day at a time" thing because I finally found others who understood, who "got it," and so their sharing let me know my fears and confusion were normal.

One "trick" I've developed is to concentrate, kind of tunnel vision, on whatever finite task I'm doing at the moment.  If I let my mind wander, all kinds of scary thoughts creep in, like "How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without you?" and a more focused fear of the future, like "What if I get sick?  Who will be there for me?" or "What if I don't have enough money to get by?"  So I try to think only "I am doing this thing right now and nothing else."  It doesn't always work, of course, but it helps a good deal of the time.  OTOH, maybe it makes things worse when I stop focusing so hard on that one thing and let my grief take over.

I have to say that I can barely remember most of the first year after, except the really bad parts and the little bits of light I started to let in later on.  Many days, I'd wake up, get that little smack in the heart when my mind remembered he wasn't there, and it was all I could do to just think, "Get out of bed.  Wash up. Get dressed.  Eat food."  Keeping the TV or music on in the background helped then and now because it distracts my mind enough that my emotions don't spiral out of control so much.

But I suppose the true truth (rather than what I wish was true) is that I don't really know how I do it because what helps one day, may not help the next.  Coming here every day, whether to just read or to talk, helps more than I would have expected.

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, BBB said:

I know this is easier to say than to do that is why I am asking how some of you do this. By this, I mean living just one day at a time. I am a planner and one who's always looked into the future. However, I cannot continue to do that and keep my sanity. It totally freaks me out to think about the rest of my life without my soulmate. I get panic attacks thinking that I'll spend the next 20 years alone and having no contact with my best friend. What are some of the coping techniques that everyone does to try and take things one day at a time?

 

My therapist suggested journaling.  So every time I get anxiety over things I write it down.   So far it has helped get the thoughts out of my head and allowed me to think about other things.  Another thing my therapist suggested was to make a list of things to accomplish each day.   Include everything like: make the bed, brush your teeth, get dressed and etc.   This allows you to feel like you are accomplishing something every single day.  Lastly my therapist suggested that I give myself permission to take days off and do nothing.  
 

If I think further ahead than a day or two I feel such overwhelming anxiety that I can’t make any decisions.   But I can manage today and perhaps tomorrow.   I try to also plan for days to give myself some rest.   R&R is essential to one’s well being.  

[KayC]

21 hours ago, BBB said:

I mean living just one day at a time. I am a planner and one who's always looked into the future. However, I cannot continue to do that and keep my sanity.

It doesn't mean we can't make plans.  What it means is we concern ourselves with TODAY and not think about the next 40 years...it's too much. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

I am also a planner, I like to be in control, but in grief we feel loss of control. (After all, no one asked us if this was okay!)  It can be very unsettling feeling.  And drive our anxiety wild.  I remind myself, "Get back into today.  Let go of worrying about the rest of your life, just do today."  It helps settle my anxiety.