Guilt

[BBB]

Show of hands for those who experience guilt? Not in what they could have done differently so their spouse didn't pass but all of a sudden I find myself looking at pictures and feeling guilty. I tell myself wow you had it perfect for a while. You had the best wife you could have ever hoped for.I mean, my wife knew that I loved her and I told her that every day but I feel like each day during 27 years that there were times you take people for granted. And I feel guilt for that. I want to tell her how much I appreciate her, that I was the luckiest guy on the planet, etc. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, BBB said:

but I feel like each day during 27 years that there were times you take people for granted. And I feel guilt for that. I want to tell her how much I appreciate her, that I was the luckiest guy on the planet, etc. 

Yes, I feel guilt in that way.  That's different from the guilt I feel surrounding his cancer fight.  Over 35 years, there were times we took each other for granted.  We took for granted that the other would always be there.  The thing is that it was also true.  Life threw a number of difficult challenges at us.  Together, we weathered them.  Sure, there were moments we looked at each other and thought, "You're driving me nuts right now," but never once did that include, "I wish I hadn't married you." 

The thread of love was always there, frayed a bit at times of great stress, but never, never breaking.  Through his last cancer fight, it only grew stronger.  His home care nurse looked at us sitting on the sofa one day after his checkup.  We were teasing each other, casually touching like you do, and she said she'd rarely seen a couple so connected, especially during such a painful, difficult time.  My love said, "That's because we don't just love each other, we still like each other."  At that moment, I wished I had told him more often not just that I love him, but that I was so thankful he chose me, stuck with me through everything, and put up with my little faults and foibles.  I wished that I hadn't taken that for granted sometimes.

I told him things in his last days.  Things I wasn't sure I'd ever said.  Like that I remember everything about the day he called to ask me out the first time.  Where I was, what I was wearing, what he said.  Like that I have as detailed a memory of the first time he really kissed me.  Like the first time we were intimate and how deeply I was bonded to him by then.  Those are the things I wished I'd told him sooner and more often.  I hope he knows and remembers that now and that he'll be waiting for me when it's my time.

[widower2]

On 8/20/2020 at 7:07 AM, BBB said:

Show of hands for those who experience guilt? 

I think pretty much everyone is raising their hands now. I personally have been ravaged by it, but I've earned that. I hope/think most don't, though I suspect it's impossible totally avoid.

[Rhonda R]

I regret not giving my husband enough credit for what a great husband and stepdad he was.  I was so focused on parenting my kids myself that I didn't appreciate his point of view.  He had my back 24/7 and was such a support system for me.  I look back on fights we had that really didn't have to be, I was too over sensitive on many subjects.  I told him I loved him numerous times a day but I could have appreciated him more....I regret that. 

[Yoli]

I feel guilt for so many things. Things I had control over like silly arguments and guilt for things I had no control over. Guilt for could we have picked up the problem before it took her from this world.

[KayC]

I have small regrets, not really guilt, nothing big, like I used to be a stickler about his cell phone bill, at the time we had to pay $1/min. when going over the limit, he'd loan his phone to coworkers which would drive it up.  Now I wish I'd just gotten him a bigger plan, realizing his caring heart and he wasn't likely to change, nor would I want him to!  But mostly, no regrets.  We both showed and told each other we loved each other each and every day, I don't think we could have demonstrated our love more than we did, it was very evident in everything we said and did.

[foreverhis]

On 8/24/2020 at 11:04 AM, Rhonda R said:

I was too over sensitive on many subjects.

Oh boy, I understand that one.  I wish I'd learned to be less reactionary at times and not so sensitive to my insecurities.  I wish I'd let some of my upbringing stay further in the past sooner.