Loss of a Husband

[GreenAngel]

 I do not know if I am using this site for that but I am going to post here. On July 1 exactly 45 days ago I lost the love of my life my husband,  A man who I spent over half my life. We were married for  34 years. This loss was unexpected. We were planning to retire together next year .  The grief, sadness,  loneliness, hurt,  and depression seems to only consume me more each day. I am looking for a group for someone who has or is experiencing this because  I feel like I am in a dark black hole.  I have some family in a friend who has been here for me as much as possible  but as the days go on they are now going back to thier lives as I would expect.  I don't want to contact them too many times because I am afraid I will lose them because most have never experienced the loss but I am experiencing and cannot understand .  I am beginning to feel more alone and I need  and want to understand and hear how others are coping in same situation.  I am hoping that this will help me through understanding whether or not I am dealing with this in a healthy way. So if there is someone out there  that would like to share with me it would be greatly appreciated thank you

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, GreenAngel said:

 I do not know if I am using this site for that but I am going to post here. On July 1 exactly 45 days ago I lost the love of my life my husband,  A man who I spent over half my life. We were married for  34 years. This loss was unexpected. We were planning to retire together next year .  The grief, sadness,  loneliness, hurt,  and depression seems to only consume me more each day. I am looking for a group for someone who has or is experiencing this because  I feel like I am in a dark black hole.  I have some family in a friend who has been here for me as much as possible  but as the days go on they are now going back to thier lives as I would expect.  I don't want to contact them too many times because I am afraid I will lose them because most have never experienced the loss but I am experiencing and cannot understand .  I am beginning to feel more alone and I need  and want to understand and hear how others are coping in same situation.  I am hoping that this will help me through understanding whether or not I am dealing with this in a healthy way. So if there is someone out there  that would like to share with me it would be greatly appreciated thank you

We are here, we are listening, we want to be here for you.  Others should be along shortly.  You are feeling what we have all felt in our early grief...this is a journey that evolves, it won't feel this intensely bad in ten years as it does today, but our timelines vary so I can't tell you exactly when the edges will begin to soften, only that they will.  

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years...this is a journey that we begin to comprehend little by little, but I hope something here is of help to you today, something else on down the road.  Keep coming here, where others "get it" and are or have been exactly where you're at.  You are right where you can be expected to be.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, GreenAngel said:

 The grief, sadness,  loneliness, hurt,  and depression seems to only consume me more each day. I am looking for a group for someone who has or is experiencing this because  I feel like I am in a dark black hole.  

Welcome.  First, you need to know that everything you are feeling is to be expected.  Many of us call it "the dark pit," so your description of a dark black hole is very apt.  At 45 days, your loss and grief are so new, so raw, and so all consuming that it's not surprising you feel things are worse each day.  I won't sugarcoat it:  You will feel this way for a while. How grief evolves is different for everyone. They say getting old isn't "for sissies," this is even harder than that.  In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and life handed me and my love a few pretty hard knocks along the way so we were pretty darn strong, especially together.  There was only one thing in the world that could break me, and that was losing him.  My strength, my support, my biggest fan, my best friend, my everything.  I imagine that's how it is for you too.

At a little more than 2 years, I can tell you that my grief will never go away, but it is slowly evolving.  The edges are softer, the pain is a bit lighter.  I'm learning to carry it with me, rather than letting it crush me with its weight.  I know these words won't help you now, but please just tuck them in the back of your mind as you walk this painful journey.  Remember that here, you are no longer walking it alone.

I will not and cannot say I know how you feel because we are each different, but my story is similar to yours in many ways.  My husband and I met when I was 23 and he was 34.  We married when I was 25.  I was 60 when the bastard cancer took him from us.  We were together for well over half my life.  When he died, my world shattered into tiny pieces.  I was certain, absolutely, that I would never feel even the tiniest bit better.  Today, while I do not believe I will ever be as happy as I was before, I have hope that I'll be happier than I am now.  In fact, on reflection, I am a bit happier than I was a year ago.  It has happened so slowly that it's not noticeable day to day, but the bits of light and hope are stronger than they were a year ago.  They are helping me find my way through the darkness.  I am learning to embrace the comfort, support, and love from family and friends, both old and new. 

I know you are hoping to talk to others who have experienced a loss similar to yours.  Nothing wrong with that.  But the truth is that virtually every member here can relate to everything you've written.  We are here because we lost our soulmates, whether we had them for 5 or 50 years.  We are in different phases of life, from young to...not so young.  We live all over the world.  We have different stories, but with similar threads.  It simply does not matter what our backgrounds are, we are kindred spirits who "get it" in ways no one else can, not even the people who love us and our partners, and who are also grieving.  I urge you to scan and read some of the threads here.  I think you'll find that many of our grief journeys and stories echo your own, even though the specifics will differ.

Reading a couple of your other posts, I get the feeling you are concerned that what you are experiencing, how you're feeling, and so on may not be normal (not that "normal" applies to us anymore!).  I'm here to tell you, as often as you need to hear it (seriously), that where you are in your grief is not only typical, but expected.  But I'm going to reiterate:  For most of us it does not stay that way forever.  We will grieve our soulmates every day for the rest of our lives.  That's a given.  We will not "move on" or "get over it."  But we can, slowly and carefully, navigate through and begin to move forward with our love, our memories, and our hearts not quite as shattered.

I'll tell you a few of my little oddities (actually, not so odd here, as you will read, I'm sure).  I talk to my husband every day. Not as much as I did at first, but still every day.  I tell him good morning or look out the big window at the distant ocean and say, "Isn't it beautiful today?"  When I come home, I say, "I'm home" (and sometimes still forget that I need to unlock the front door).  I ask for his advice and listen with my heart.  Sometimes I just "chat" as I'm working around the house or yard.  I tell him how I'm feeling and how much I love and miss him.  When I'm having a really bad day, I still tell him he needs to come home.  It's not denial or forgetting; it's that my heart has trouble remembering what my mind knows.  I have come to accept that he is gone from this world, but I will never accept that it was fair, right, or just because it wasn't.  The thing is that it took well over a year to get to that acceptance.  I know I am still rather early on in learning to live without my sweetheart and with this grief.

I urge you to talk to your husband, scream at the universe (or God, if you are a believer--a strong, caring God can take both your love and your anger), and reach out for help and/or let others help you.  You'll find out as you go along who you can count on.  If you can, get fresh air every day.  I know how challenging that is now with covid restrictions, but please try.  I can only imagine how much harder everything is for you, other new members, and really everyone who is dealing with new loss and grief right now.  I've thought about how much worse it would have been if my husband's cancer journey had been now, rather than starting more than 3 years ago.  Come here to talk, question, rant, scream and really anything at all, any time at all, for any reason at all.  As you are able, please tell us about yourself, your husband, and your life together.  We may not respond right away because we are in different time zones.  Sometimes we may not have the emotional strength for a time.  There are days I can write like this and days I barely have the strength to read new posts.  But we are always here and we will always listen.

I'll come talk to you more tomorrow or the next day, if you find what I've written helpful.  For now, it's the end of a fairly decent, but very tiring day for me, so I'll leave you with just a few more thoughts.  The cliche of "one day at a time" turns out to be universally true.  One day, one hour, even one breath sometimes, that's how I got through the first horrible months.  It's how I get through most days now.  I tell myself that I can make it through today and even make plans for tomorrow or sometimes next week.   Also, try not to always put on "the brave face" society expects.  I have a really hard time with that, so I don't set a very good example--but I'm working on it.  I've learned it does a disservice to both us and the people who love us.  If we don't let them see us fall apart, they won't know how we really are.  Several months ago, I warned our closest friends (family really) that I might fall apart in front of them sometimes.  The next day, one of them sent me a photo of a sign that said, "It's okay if you fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart and we still love them."  He sent it to make me smile, but also to remind me that my husband and I are loved, no matter what.

I'm sending you all the warm comfort in the world and hope that you will join us as we each walk our own path on this road together.

 

[bibi]

Green angel, you have my deepest sympathy and empathy. My husband died suddenly just over three months ago. Who I was died with him. Life is meaningless and lonely beyond belief. Friends and other family cannot replace the unique comfortable intimacy of a loved partner who knows you inside out. I was with my husband for 32 wonderful years, we were sufficient to each other in so many ways. We were each other's greatest friends and loved being together more than anything else in life. Every day is just a trial to be endured and I miss my husband with every breath and heartbeat. Like you, there was no time for me, or him, to prepare for his death and I am still reeling. It still is unbelievable to me. Our future evaporated and now I have no concept of who I am or what my future is. I am lost in misery and heartache. The grief and longing is unrelenting and overwhelms me many times a day. Life is a minefield of triggers, his car, the supermarket, his shed, a tv program, cooking dinner. I'm sure i don't need to tell you.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, mainly I guess to say you are not alone. Grieving is a huge unacknowledged issue. Some of my friends think that 3 months is enough, it's time I 'got on with it'. Whatever 'it' is. They do not understand that I am as raw as the day it happened. They want me to be the person I was. They want our relationship to return to what it was. Of course it never will, and I will never be who I was. I imagine this post is no comfort to you but please know you are not alone.

[GreenAngel]

 Bibi-  I feel the pain of your loss with you.  I know what a horrific time this is for you as  from what I am hearing from you, you have and are experiencung exactly what I am now.  I wish I could comfort you with words of wisdom and succesful experience but  I don't think I can at this point. All I can tell you is that the family and friends that have  opened their hearts to me during this time has been helpful.  They can never ever-replace what me and my husband had though.  I am sorry you're feeling so sad. I am here to listen you would like 

[KayC]

@bibi  I am glad you did post and hope you will continue coming here. I am very sorry that you too have suffered this loss. You may have seen me post this for others but I want to make sure you have it at your disposal also and hope you find something helpful for you today, something else later on as this is an ever evolving journey.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[bibi]

thank you for the responses. I am having grief counselling with a specialist grief counsellor by Zoom. I live in Australia and because of Covid our borders between States are closed and I cannot travel to my family, nor them to me. My husband's farewell was limited to 20 socially-distanced people. The misery that Covid is wreaking upon the world has magnified the difficulty of the administration of death. Being alone and grieving is a constant assault. I know there are many of us who are having to endure this and my heart goes out to every single one.

[@LeeNic]

@bibi @GreenAngel I am so sorry that you have to go through this so isolated. COVID is certainly making all this worse. It’s been exactly three weeks since I lost my husband. I relate to everything you guys are saying. But I’m also mad that I have to change. I liked who I was before and what I had with my husband. I don’t want any of this and I certainly don’t want to be a different person. I don’t want to carry this pain with me forever. 
 

My son said he is afraid things won’t ever be the same. And it breaks my heart. They won’t be. We had such an amazing family. And he had a great stepfather who loved him like he was his own. I was so happy my son had him in his life. And now that is all gone. And I’m pissed. 
 

Each day exhausting. And I can’t get my sleep to normalize. I either don’t sleep or sleep 10-11 hours. I can exercise until exhaustion and still don’t sleep. I guess I’m just really angry right now. Weekends are beyond miserable and I have another one in just 4 1/2 days. I have nothing I look forward to at all. And I cannot, just cannot accept this is my life. 

[bibi]

Hi LeeNic. I so understand what you are saying. I want my old life back, I want my husband back. None of us asked for this, we are having to deal with something that was imposed on us. We have no map, we must navigate a place we don't want to be. Oh and the weekends! Terrible, excruciatingly awful. Life changed in a heartbeat. Our future just evaporated. I am completely lost. Like you I am shocked that this is now my life. Each day is a misery, colourless and meaningless. You have my complete understanding and sympathy.

[GreenAngel]

Unfortunately things will never be the same, I can see this with every hour of the day that passes.  The hurt and sadness stays the same. Most Family members and friends have done Their best to be there for me. I can see that changing as they go back to their own family lives.  The sudden loss of my husband has also brought out family issues that we were never aware existed.  They stress of so many  issues is taking what energy I have left out of me.

[ccoflove]

Im sorry GreenAngel, I'm one of the sad people who gets how youre feeling. I could say it gets better, you do eventually adapt to manage the pain better but it still exists, especially if you focus on it. I wake up feeling the dispair most mornings and my dog forces me to get out and go for a walk and that usually improves my mood some. The 1st year I wrote letters to my love in a journal, all the things I needed to say. Now I more often send sweet little texts to his phone. There is only so much others can do to help ease the burden of grief, we have to find our own way through. Youre never done with it or goes away completely, you go through it again and again. You pull yourself out time and time again and learn what helps you cope and what doesnt. Sometimes none of it really helps and you just give yourself time to allow yourself to feel it and release it for a bit. And you come back here and you read the despair of others who keep going on too and know you're not alone and try to keep one another going through another moment/day. Nothing ever can replace the void that our soulmates filled in our lives and in our hearts but we can fill it with the memories of their love and the happiness they would still want for us to find carrying on in their memory.