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Carolanne_94

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Carolanne_94

Hello everyone, 

My name is Carolanne, and my mother and step father were murdered in their home in February 2020, when I was 25 years old. 

 

The suspect is a retired law enforcement officer (RCMP) who was their landlord. He has been arrested and is currently incarcerated, awaiting trial.

I guess having their murderer behind bars ought to offer some sort of comfort, but to be honest, I haven't been too preoccupied with that too much to be honest. 

Instead, I have been so preoccupied with the fact that they're gone, and my relationship with them that is permanently terminated as a result.

 

Before their death, I was actually not on speaking terms with either my mother or step father. Growing up, as a young kid, my mother was a superstar; she was the strongest, smarted most powerful woman i had ever seen, and I wanted to be just like her. She was my best friend and my hero. But suddenly, at the age of 12, she announced to me that she was divorcing my father, and reconnecting with an old friend whom she had not seen in 20+ years. 

Everything changed immediately. The divorce was very messy, polarizing the family: I went off to live with my mother and step father, and my sister (16 at the time) remained with my father. The the better part of the next decade, I had absolutely no contact with wither my sister, father, or entire side of my father's family.

Whats more, my new step father immediately began isolating myself and my mother from whatever family either of us had left. He alienated us from any supportive figure, manipulating us to believe that they didn't care about us, and were only trying to destroy our happiness. In addition, my step father became very abusive. He verbally, emotionally, psychologically and physically abused my mother and myself almost immediately. I suddenly went from a happy child with a wonder woman mother, to a scared, confused and isolated growing teen who suffered my own abuse while watching my mother wither away. For many years following the divorce, my life consisted of being completely alone, unable to connect anymore with peers, standing by while family and the police failed to intervene. 

Fortunately, I moved away to college when I was 17, and my life began to change. I reconnected with my sister, father and several family members, much at he thanks of new friends that I began making. In the years that followed, i struggled to manage the effects that my childhood had on me, while also trying to help my mother save herself from the life that she continued to chose for herself. Unfortunately, my mother didnt want any help, and instead, began psychologically abusing myself as well.

 

As I grew older, I realized that I could not maintain the relationship that I had with my mother as it was. At this point, I had cut off all contact with my step father, and told my mother that I could maintain contact with her if she respected this; if she could stop trying to get me to accept him back into my life. Sadly, she never accepted this, and instead, always guilt tripped my for my decision to separate myself from such an abusive person, always asking me to "forgive" him "just one last time".... every time..

Then suddenly, on February 3rd, I received the call that they both were dead. An ongoing dispute with their neighbor (the kind that I had seen time and time again as I grew up living with them, constantly moving from one home to another) ended in tragedy; their neighbor (allegedly) shot them both in their home. 

At this point, I think I am still numb, not fully grappling the fact that they are not only dead, but murdered. Whats more, I can help but be flooded with so many other emotions, anger, depression, anxiety, guilt. I am angry at the killer, I am angry at my step father for all that he has done to my mother, undoubtedly putting my mother in the situation that she found herself in, angry at my mother for choosing my step father over me for so many years. Guilty for cutting off contact with my mom...could I have done more to help her? Guilty for having missed so much time with my father when I was being told he wanted nothing to do with me..

 

Im also trying to deal with what has happened after the deaths, how various members of my family have lashed out, saying and doing just unspeakable things to me, some out of grief im sure, others just out of their poor character.

 

and this is where I sit now, attempting to manage and understand all of these emotions, looking for someone to share them with; someone who may, even to some extend, understand what this feels like, and has been waling the same path that I am attempting to walk now. 

 

If that is you, please dont hesitate to reach out. your support is greatly appreciated, and of course, I would love an opportunity to offer my own support as well.

 

Until next time, 

-Carol

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Carol, 

I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that no one responded to your post here.  This is not an area that many people frequent, including me.

There is a section dealing with loss of a parent. I hope you posted there as well and received some support. 

Your story is heartbreaking. I hope you have the support of your father and sister.

Gail

 

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I am so sorry for your losses, it's very hard to lose more than one and to murder no less!  My heart goes out to you.  Keep coming here, reading and posting...
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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OMG!!  This article is sooo incredible!  Exactly what I need every day!  I am printing it and putting it on my nightstand so I read it every day.  Thank you!!!!

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