Members Beverly Graham Posted August 10, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 10, 2020 I just looked at and kissed a picture of my fiance and now I'm crying uncontrollably because I miss him so bad. The pain is so unbearable when it hits...like my heart has been ripped out. I miss his texts, I miss his calls...I miss just knowing that he's there at home doing his own thing, always there for me when I need him. I still can't believe that this has happened..I can't accept it. We didn't even get to meet each other in person. We had so many plans and dreams together, and suddenly they were all taken away...no warning, no time to say goodbye, he was taken away from me just like that. Every morning when I wake up I have this huge knot in my stomach and my heart starts to beat so fast because I can feel the emptiness. Every time I look at things or see certain dates, all I can think of is that he was alive then and I wish I could go back to that time. Whenever I try to do anything, I'm reminded of him because he was always there sharing those moments with me...either texting or on the phone together while I was on my way to work, cooking, gardening, playing with my son, grocery shopping... He was everything to me, my soulmate, and when he left a part of me died. Now I only feel like a shadow of my former self...my life has been forever changed and every day I dread what tomorrow will bring. I just want him back, I want to wake up from this long, vivid nightmare. I don't know how much more of this I can take....I look around and see life going on as usual for every one else and I wonder how that can be when I'm severely devastated and drowning in sorrow. This is all so unfair...so many people get to spend years with their partner, while we weren't even given that chance, not even a day. What did we do to deserve this? My anxiety has gone sky high and I'm afraid for my health because I have 2 boys to take care of...but my grief is out of my control, once it hits it really knocks me down. I feel so lost, so lonely and so afraid of the future without him here with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Perro J Posted August 11, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2020 It seems to come in waves. Moments of greater intensity but also moments of lesser. Last night it stormed here. Lots of lightning. I did not sleep well. I spent a little time talking to her. I described to her my feelings of loss, of our dreams that will now go unrealized, the unfairness of it. Talking to her made me break down. I was given a gift today. In talking with a member of her family, I learned of something she said the day she died and it confirmed something I suspected. She knew she was dying soon. She had wanted to come home and she made it. It is a small comfort to me. Like you, I want her back. Despite the new people I have met because of her, and other curious twists of fate as a result of my time with her, it feels like a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces that held the image of her missing. The rest of the puzzle fits together and looks OK, but the most important part is missing. I wish there was something I could tell you such as "I did this and..." or "I started thinking about it like this..." and then things were better but I haven't found anything like that yet. I don't like how I feel and I want the bad to go away. I don't think there is a way to think or act that makes that happen faster. I can only trust in the words of the others that have walked this path before us that it will in time hurt less. I don't want to wait for that. I want to go back in time. I want the love and happiness back. I don't know that this helps you any, but I hope your pain lessens soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted August 11, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2020 I feel very much the same, I am evolving in a weird way, after 6 months. I feel like a ghost, who walks among the living. I keep my eyes averted from the horror and pain that is my life now. Head up, survive today, don’t look down or let that feeling sweep you away, you may not come back. I am helpless against the passing of time, it keeps going forward, the world is something I see but no longer belong in. So much lost, one cannot even relay this to those who still have their spouse/partner. I am forever changed, I cannot “be” without him, I shall instead mark off the days one by one, till there are no more... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Beverly Graham Posted August 11, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Missy1 said: I feel very much the same, I am evolving in a weird way, after 6 months. I feel like a ghost, who walks among the living. I keep my eyes averted from the horror and pain that is my life now. Head up, survive today, don’t look down or let that feeling sweep you away, you may not come back. I am helpless against the passing of time, it keeps going forward, the world is something I see but no longer belong in. So much lost, one cannot even relay this to those who still have their spouse/partner. I am forever changed, I cannot “be” without him, I shall instead mark off the days one by one, till there are no more... I'm so sorry for the loss of your love, Missy1. Everything you said is exactly how I feel too...broke my heart just reading it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jwahlquist Posted August 11, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2020 11 hours ago, Beverly Graham said: life has been forever changed and every day I dread what tomorrow will bring. I just want him back, I want to wake up from this long, vivid nightmare. I don't know how much more of this I can take....I look around and see life going on as usual for every one else and I wonder how that can be when I'm severely devastated and drowning in sorrow. Yes I think this is spot on. I feel like it should be a long nightmare. I often think I have reached then end of what I can take too. But I wake up the next day and it starts again. If life goes on for us it is forever changed and not in a good way. That missing piece of your heart is one that you will never get back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Beverly Graham Posted August 11, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2020 6 hours ago, Perro J said: I don't like how I feel and I want the bad to go away. I don't think there is a way to think or act that makes that happen faster. I can only trust in the words of the others that have walked this path before us that it will in time hurt less. I don't want to wait for that. I want to go back in time. I want the love and happiness back. I'm so happy that you got that small gift of comfort today, because with the way we're feeling, any little ray of comfort or strength is very much needed. And yes, I'd do anything to go back in time to get the love and happiness back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 11, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted August 11, 2020 20 hours ago, Beverly Graham said: The pain is so unbearable when it hits...like my heart has been ripped out. I miss his texts, I miss his calls... I remember feeling this...I don't know when it lessened to something where I was "more used to it," where I was no longer expecting him to call me on his lunch break or walk in the door, or be with me on our time off. But somewhere along the way that happened. At least it's no longer a slap in my face, jerking me into this harsh reality. Now it's become more of an everydayness of missing him. Knowing he won't ever be coming home, I won't ever cuddle up with him, talk with him, we won't ever go for rides again or go camping or fishing, we won't visit with people, he won't be at church, my biggest fan when I'm singing. Our life as we knew it is over. Until we're together again, this is my existence. It does "hurt less" in that I'm more used to it. But still I love and miss him every day, and now my dog along with him, even my Kitty, they're all gone. I don't know why life is so cruel. Someone mentioned the "golden years," ha! Perro, I'm glad you got that bit of comfort. That is something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members @LeeNic Posted August 15, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 15, 2020 On 8/11/2020 at 1:01 AM, Missy1 said: I feel very much the same, I am evolving in a weird way, after 6 months. I feel like a ghost, who walks among the living. I keep my eyes averted from the horror and pain that is my life now. Head up, survive today, don’t look down or let that feeling sweep you away, you may not come back. I am helpless against the passing of time, it keeps going forward, the world is something I see but no longer belong in. So much lost, one cannot even relay this to those who still have their spouse/partner. I am forever changed, I cannot “be” without him, I shall instead mark off the days one by one, till there are no more... You just described my life perfectly. Every day is like I’m in a loop and I can’t find my place. I go through the motions but it’s like it isn’t my life. Like I’ve been drop in a somewhat familiar but also unfamiliar home/life. Like someone drugged me and is trying to convince me this is my life but my heart and mind tell me it’s not..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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