Beyond Devastated

[Yoli]

So I flew home to see my parents today. About 10 minutes in my father asked if I had cleared out the room yet, that we had all lost someone and I was too young (51) to be moping around. This has shattered an already shattered person. It is not even three months since I lost the love of my life. 

Where is the love and compassion for his grieving child? He, at 80, still has his wife.

[Gail 8588]

I am so sorry.  

Some people have had the good fortune of never having suffered this type of loss.  Some people just are hard wired where they don't have deep emotional feelings.  There are many people who really don't understand what we are going through.  I am so sorry your dad is one of those people.

I am sure he meant it as support and encouragement.  But I also know it feels like being gutted by a knife. Many times, being around family and friends that don't get it, is harder than being alone.

At 80, your dad is not likely to change his outlook.  I recomend you avoid being around him or you only converse with him on meaningless stuff, i.e. how many hurricanes will Florida have this year.

I am hoping some other family member will be able to offer more support.

Peace

Gail 

 

[Yoli]

Thank you Gail.

The delivery and the works seemed to strip the minimal amount of progress I had made. I am not ready to part with her things and will not no matter what anyone has to say. That will be done in my time and mine alone.

When he said "We have all suffered loss,", yep I get that but not this loss, not the love of your life, your best friend all rolled into one unique person , your person.

Kind of going to be a bit weird for the rest of the weekend I guess.

[Guest Sue4]

@Yoli

And there is no rule that you EVER have to part with your loved one’s things. I know there are a lot of things I’ll never get rid of. People who have never lost the love of their life will not understand your pain and suffering so, better to accept that fact. Your close friends and family in that category will try to empathize and they want  to support you but, I’ve learned in the last few months since my husband passed, that they don’t get it. So, I continue with the relationship based on that fact and can then better let their insensitive comments go. Comments like, “I know exactly how you feel because of my divorce”, or “It’s been three months so, you should be feeling better now”, etc. Save your precious limited energy for grieving, not fuming over unintended painful comments.

Also, I go through life now choosing who to share my grief. Not everyone needs or should know what I am going through. This is my pain and I respect my loss enough to decide who I should share it with. At the moment, I feel like I’m going backwards in my grieving- which I’m told by someone who has been through this that this is normal. 
 

take care of yourself.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Yoli said:

He, at 80, still has his wife.

Therein is your explanation...he doesn't get it.  I would have retorted something to him, I don't know what, but I would not have swallowed it I am sure.  I am so sorry, it's kind of like shooting the victim so they feel doubly raped.  He thought he could shake you into "moving on?"  No!  I just can't express enough how sorry I am that you endured that horrid outburst from him.

3 hours ago, Sue4 said:

And there is no rule that you EVER have to part with your loved one’s things.

I still have the sympathy cards displayed from when my dog died, nearly a YEAR ago!  On my dining room table.  I can't picture moving them.  He is still very much missed, loved, and grieved.  We have to do things in OUR time, in OUR way and it may not be the same for all of us.  It's about honoring our grief, our feelings, what brings us pain vs comfort!  You do you and let him do him!

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Yoli said:

I am not ready to part with her things and will not no matter what anyone has to say. That will be done in my time and mine alone.

Absolutely.  You are not "moping around," you are grieving your one essential love.  It isn't something we "get over" in the way others might want.  I'm so sorry you have to deal with another gut punch from someone who should be nothing but supportive and comforting.

At a bit more than 2 years, my husband's hoodie, backpack, and cap still hang on "his" hooks by the front door.  Some of his other clothes still hang in the closets.  Many of his things are right where they were the day he left our home for the last time.  I don't give a...darn what anyone thinks about that.  It's not their grief or the loss of their soulmate--it's mine.

And some of those things aren't just important to me.  Last year, I was talking to our now 11 year old granddaughter.  She and her grandpa were incredibly close.  They quite simply adored each other.  He was indeed the "world's best grandpa" for her.  It was really hard for her to talk about him at all for the first year because she was so devastated and at her young age, did not always know how to express her pain.  She knew that I no longer had all of her grandpa's things.  I had sent her and her mom (also so close to her dad) some of his hoodies, sweaters, caps, etc. because they wanted and needed to feel him close.  The first 3 months, she wore his favorite fleece jacket (basically calf length on her) even on warm days.  It was the one he always wore on outings by the coast and that he'd wrap around her if she got cold.

At one point in that conversation, when we were talking about them visiting me this spring (yeah, that didn't happen--argh!), she paused and then asked, "Grannie?"  "What sweetie?" "Um...do you still have grandpa's chair?" (a tall man Lazy Boy recliner with room for her to climb up on it and lie on or next to him).  "Of course.  I will always have that."  She sighed and said, "Okay.  Good.  I need it."  On their last visit only a few weeks before he died, he had been in the hospital and she spent a lot of her time at the house cuddled in his chair with his little fleece throw wrapped around her.  So besides the fact that I "need it" too, I knew she'd be extremely upset if I sold it or gave it away.

These are the things that help me get through the painful days and the worst nights.  I am lucky, I think, that our small circles of family and friends (local and out of the area) understand that.  In fact, our best friends' son, who was also really close to my husband as a favorite uncle and kindred spirit in so many ways was able to come down and visit with his parents about 2 months after.  He and I are partners in crime playing card games and joking and just "getting" each other.  He grabbed me in a big hug and said, "I miss him. I'm sorry."  Then he walked into the living room, looked at the big chair, looked at me (I nodded), and went over to "claim" it for his visits.  His mom took me aside and asked if I was okay with that or if it was painful.  I told her honestly that it was more than okay because it meant their connection was still strong and it clearly comforted her young adult son.

Things matter because to us and sometimes to others, they are not just "things."  They are reminders of a life lived, memories of love and happiness shared, and way to keep our soulmates with us.

[Yoli]

My father's comments have bought me to a whole new level of low. My body feels anxious, my mind is in overdrive. I don't know if I can move on from this, so much damage caused in a few sentences.

 

[KayC]

Ahh, Yoli, if only I could wave your father's comments away!  It wouldn't hurt to tell him how his comments affected you.  You may not be able to get him to understand, however, but we live in our grief whether anyone else understands or agrees or not...I hope you know that people here get it, we want to be your safe place.

[jwahlquist]

On 8/6/2020 at 10:36 PM, Yoli said:

So I flew home to see my parents today. About 10 minutes in my father asked if I had cleared out the room yet, that we had all lost someone and I was too young (51) to be moping around. This has shattered an already shattered person. It is not even three months since I lost the love of my life. 

Where is the love and compassion for his grieving child? He, at 80, still has his wife.

UGH!   So I can tell you that I understand how that makes a person feel.  Maybe a week after my husband passed away my MIL referred to my grief as pouting.   That just hurt far more than any other thoughtless comment I have heard since my husband passed away.  ((HUGS))

[Art Thebes]

On 8/7/2020 at 1:47 PM, foreverhis said:

At a bit more than 2 years, my husband's hoodie, backpack, and cap still hang on "his" hooks by the front door.  Some of his other clothes still hang in the closets.  Many of his things are right where they were the day he left our home for the last time.  I don't give a...darn what anyone thinks about that.  It's not their grief or the loss of their soulmate--it's mine.

I have a few things...

1) my son's favorite hoodie. I tossed it on a chair that I like to sit in... I used to complain that he needed to pick his crap up and put it away. now it comforts me.

2) one of my youngest daughter's stuffed animals was a cow named Schmoo... I sleep in bed with it, every night.

3) my wife's wedding ring and her 20yr anniversary band... she was a professional pastry chef, and would constantly take them off and leave them on the counter, while she worked. she was never fond of diamonds, so I had her ring made from three rubies that I had brought home, long ago, from a country that at the time, still went by the name Rhodesia...

they now just sit in a little saucer, on my kitchen counter.. they might get lost or broken... but if it worked for my wife, it works for me now too... 

[Art Thebes]

On 8/7/2020 at 12:36 AM, Yoli said:

So I flew home to see my parents today. About 10 minutes in my father asked if I had cleared out the room yet, that we had all lost someone and I was too young (51) to be moping around. This has shattered an already shattered person. It is not even three months since I lost the love of my life. 

Where is the love and compassion for his grieving child? He, at 80, still has his wife.

Gail is correct; you cannot fix hardwiring.

you are NOT "pouting"; you are quite literally and figuratively dying, breaking, falling apart at the seams...

all the king's horses and all the king's men... I wish I could tell you that maybe at least time could put you back together again... But I cannot.

This is YOUR grief, and more importantly, YOUR TIME... take your time and your grief; it belongs to you and YOU ALONE... thank you for letting us help shoulder the weight, if only just a little of it, for you.

[Yoli]

Today I fear the damage done is immeasurable. I am sitting in the office with 40 others and feel totally alone. My mind won't stop thinking of the last morning and I am in disbelief that this has actually happened. How did it end like this? I don't know how to go on.

[@LeeNic]

@YoliI don’t either. It’s like I wake up to this awful repeat of the crappy day before. I’m thankful no one has said anything that offensive to me. I would have lost it. However, my mom didn’t once offer to come home when my husband passed. Just texts of “I’m so sorry, blah, blah, blah...” It’s just unbelievable. My child that is still at home brightens my day when I spend time with him. But I can’t stomach that I don’t feel like me anymore. This feeling or lack of it, is.... I don’t know the words to describe it ... just hell. So you are not alone in this place we are in. And I thank you for sharing your story. 

[Yoli]

1 hour ago, @LeeNic said:

@YoliHowever, my mom didn’t once offer to come home when my husband passed. Just texts of “I’m so sorry, blah, blah, blah...” 

I am so sorry your mother didn't offer more support other than text messages. I am sure that hurts terribly.

This place we find ourselves in is horrendous and hellish. I too feel like a different person. In the words I wrote for her service I said I would make her proud. I don't know if I am right now except for getting up each day and somehow getting through it. Each day I still come home and sob, for her, for me, for our future together, for our oneness, for the lost soul that I am now.

Three months on Thursday.

[Missy1]

How dare they say something so heartless. I am sure they think they ate trying to help! I had to make some very pointed remarks to my parents and family about not imposing their ideas of how I should be living on me! They thought I was being hateful at first then realized after many conversations that they cannot fathom what it is like for me! 

[hollomang]

I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that people can be so insensitive! Sometimes the people you think would be the people to help you the most fall short. I learned from having problems with my mother after my dads passing and she just wasn’t supporting me the way I thought she would and the way I needed her too. It’s unfortunate and its disappointing. I feel like people think that after a couple months you should be fine and move forward but it’s really not that easy. This really bad thing has happened and it shouldn’t just be swept under the rug after people think it’s been an appropriate amount of time for you to grieve. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to before you’re ready! Everyone grieves differently and if you don’t want to clear out the room today, next month or next year or five years after that don’t!


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[Yoli]

Thank you Missy and Hollomang. 

It is interesting that the people with the most opinions and 'advice' are the very ones who have no idea what we are going through.

I had a friend tell me today (well meaning) that I was doing well, I said No I Am Not Really. I guess because emotional pain is not visible like a gaping wound.

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, Yoli said:

Thank you Missy and Hollomang. 

It is interesting that the people with the most opinions and 'advice' are the very ones who have no idea what we are going through.

I had a friend tell me today (well meaning) that I was doing well, I said No I Am Not Really. I guess because emotional pain is not visible like a gaping wound.

 

[KayC]

Yes, show your friend this!  It's what we live with that they don't see...

I had friends just disappear when he died, in droves!  One of these couples are both dead now.  They think they can escape death by avoiding us, but nope.

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, hollomang said:

I learned from having problems with my mother after my dads passing and she just wasn’t supporting me the way I thought she would and the way I needed her too.

Hi, hollomang.  I'm so sorry you lost your dad.  No doubt you were very close and it has been devastating for you.

But I'd like to give you perhaps another way of looking at your mom's grief.  You lost a wonderful dad, but she lost literally the love of her life.  As much as you would like to understand that, it's not possible.  Losing your dad would have been the worst imaginable thing for her, likely tied with losing you.  I'd like you, if you would, to consider that one of the reasons she wasn't supporting you the way you wanted or felt you needed was because she had and likely still has very little in the way of extra strength of any kind right now.  I assume (sorry, I know we shouldn't, but...) you are an adult, maybe a young adult?  Of course you would want your mom's comfort and support, but what exactly was it that you felt you needed and perhaps deserved from her that she didn't provide?  It might be good to stop and ask yourself if what you wanted was more than she could reasonably be expected to give you, considering that her heart and life must have been and likely continue to be shattered.

Is it possible that you weren't supporting and comforting her in the way she expected or felt she needed?  Might you both be harboring frustration, disappointment, and even anger with each other?  Is that something the two of you could talk about at this point?  Have you asked yourself what you can do to help her get through the beginnings of this nearly unbearable grief?  And yes, you are both in the beginning of your grief journeys.  It's not something we walk though in a straight line and out the other side.  It simply does not work that way, especially when it is a beloved spouse.  Try to remember that she lost the one person with whom she shared all of her life, including you of course.  She lost whatever future they had planned, the expectation of more time together, and the one person she could count on to be there completely and always.

I had to have a little heart to heart with our adult daughter because I had been there for her as much as I could, but every time I'd try to tell her how I was feeling, how broken my life and heart were, she'd say, "I'm grieving too."  And of course she was and is.  One day it was simply too much for me.  I told her that if she wasn't able or willing to simply listen to me, to try to understand fully just what losing her wonderful dad had done to my life, that I'd have to hang up the phone just then and talk to her later.  I would never have slammed down the phone, of course, but I could not handle her seeming to brush off my grief again.  That shocked her and she basically begged me not to hang up and said she would just listen.  That was a turning point because, though we were always close, she was closer to her dad and all she had been able to see was her own pain.

I urge you to try to consider what your mom is going through and consider ways you and she can help and support each other, rather than seeing only that she hasn't been there for you in the way you, as her child, want.

[hollomang]

Hello foreverhis. I think my situation is a little different because my parents were no longer together and hadn’t been for quite some time. Yes I still can understand she must of had some sort of grief because they were married at one point and they had children together but they both had moved on and had new partners. For me she wasn’t supporting me in the way that I had always known her to. Before he passed he spent a significant time in the hospital and i was right there with him and she would check in on me everyday, bring me food, give me gas money, come sit with me at the hospital and make sure I was getting some rest. When he passed I think because she didn’t know how to approach it she just acted like nothing happened. Prior to my dads passing my mother and I had a pretty good relationship. I had moved in with my dad to take care of him but we facetimed all the time and hung out on the weekends. My problems only began with her after my dads passing where she would make really insensitive comments or try to push me do things I wasn’t ready to do. In the beginning I didn’t want to talk about it and especially to someone I felt didn’t understand my pain, to me I feel like only my siblings can understand the grief I feel because we are all his children. I feel like when I would snap at her she would take it personally even after I tried explaining that it wasn’t anything personal I was having a bad day and I just didn’t want to talk and I felt like she would make me feel bad that I wasn’t back to normal.
When I have tried to sit down and have that conversation with my mom it always ends up being about her and how she doesn’t know how to help us and I feel like every time she’s missing the point. I don’t need her to do anything extraordinary besides acknowledge the fact that this has happened and I’m not the same happy girl I was before and I can’t pretend that I am and I’m grieving. I think I’ve just learned at this point I can’t talk to her about my dad because she just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad you and your daughter could come to an understanding and hopefully have a closer relationship because of it.


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[hollomang]

Hello foreverhis. I think my situation is a little different because my parents were no longer together and hadn’t been for quite some time. Yes I still can understand she must of had some sort of grief because they were married at one point and they had children together but they both had moved on and had new partners. For me she wasn’t supporting me in the way that I had always known her to. Before he passed he spent a significant time in the hospital and i was right there with him and she would check in on me everyday, bring me food, give me gas money, come sit with me at the hospital and make sure I was getting some rest. When he passed I think because she didn’t know how to approach it she just acted like nothing happened. Prior to my dads passing my mother and I had a pretty good relationship. I had moved in with my dad to take care of him but we facetimed all the time and hung out on the weekends. My problems only began with her after my dads passing where she would make really insensitive comments or try to push me do things I wasn’t ready to do. In the beginning I didn’t want to talk about it and especially to someone I felt didn’t understand my pain, to me I feel like only my siblings can understand the grief I feel because we are all his children. I feel like when I would snap at her she would take it personally even after I tried explaining that it wasn’t anything personal I was having a bad day and I just didn’t want to talk and I felt like she would make me feel bad that I wasn’t back to normal.
When I have tried to sit down and have that conversation with my mom it always ends up being about her and how she doesn’t know how to help us and I feel like every time she’s missing the point. I don’t need her to do anything extraordinary besides acknowledge the fact that this has happened and I’m not the same happy girl I was before and I can’t pretend that I am and I’m grieving. I think I’ve just learned at this point I can’t talk to her about my dad because she just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad you and your daughter could come to an understanding and hopefully have a closer relationship because of it.


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[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, hollomang said:

When he passed I think because she didn’t know how to approach it she just acted like nothing happened.

Your situation is definitely different.  Unfortunately, pretending as if nothing happened is not uncommon when people don't know what to say or do.  I'm sorry that you've had that added to your own pain and grief.

2 hours ago, hollomang said:

My problems only began with her after my dads passing where she would make really insensitive comments or try to push me do things I wasn’t ready to do.

This actually would bother me more than having my husband's death be ignored.  No doubt you and your siblings can understand and help each other the most, but it's sad to hear that your mother would be unkind and unsympathetic.  Obviously, she loved your dad before, so it's a shame that she cannot remember that and realize what it is that you have lost.  At this point, it sounds like you will not be able to count on her to help sustain you through your grief.  I suspect that you are grieving in a way that is different even from your siblings because you were the one who was there with and for your dad.  You took care of him.  That is emotionally and physically exhausting, but it also magnifies the depth of your grief now.

Although our daughter and I have always been close, she had a special bond with her dad.  Talking helps, now that she realizes she needs to listen as well as be heard.  I suppose in a way we are even closer because we just have each other, along with my precious granddaughter.  Our granddaughter and my love absolutely adored each other, so that's one place where right away our daughter and I put our heads together to help a devastated then 9 year old through those first weeks and months.

You clearly had a special bond with your dad too.  That make it all the harder as you grieve.  I wish your mother could see that.

[KayC]

I am so sorry your mom is behaving so inappropriately to your grief.  You might try taking some space from her for a while to focus on your grief.  Do what brings you comfort rather than stress.  It's draining to try to explain to people and then when they still don't hear you, it feels like a waste of the little energy you have.

 Maybe print this out and give it to her?  If that would stress you, then don't but it might help her to understand.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

[Art Thebes]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Although our daughter and I have always been close, she had a special bond with her dad.  Talking helps, now that she realizes she needs to listen as well as be heard.  I suppose in a way we are even closer because we just have each other, along with my precious granddaughter.  Our granddaughter and my love absolutely adored each other, so that's one place where right away our daughter and I put our heads together to help a devastated then 9 year old through those first weeks and months.

You clearly had a special bond with your dad too.  That make it all the harder as you grieve.  I wish your mother could see that.

God bless you and your kind heart, Forever His... 

hugs!

 

~AT

[hollomang]

I am so sorry your mom is behaving so inappropriately to your grief.  You might try taking some space from her for a while to focus on your grief.  Do what brings you comfort rather than stress.  It's draining to try to explain to people and then when they still don't hear you, it feels like a waste of the little energy you have.
 Maybe print this out and give it to her?  If that would stress you, then don't but it might help her to understand.
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

Draining is definitely the right word! Thanks so much for this! I think it would be helpful to give to her [emoji173]️


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