Members wildflower74 Posted August 4, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 4, 2020 My beloved dad is going to be cremated soon. I'd really appreciate any advice from others who've been through this. Here are my concerns: 1. Did you see the parent's body before cremation? Any guidance with this? I am leaning towards not seeing him because I want to remember him the last time I saw him (in the hospital when I said goodbye, although he was unresponsive then) 2. Is there anything you regretted doing or not doing in preparation for the cremation? Anything you'd recommend? I asked the funeral home for a lock of his hair, but I can't think of anything else. 3. Were there any rituals you did or gifts you left with your parent to be cremated with them? We aren't having his celebration of life until next year because Covid is still spreading wildly in my area. So this is kind of the only closure I'm going to have for a long time. I'm thinking about putting a small lock of my hair in with him since I'm taking one of his. I was also thinking about giving him a small bouquet of flowers from my mom's garden. As far as after the cremation-- I feel very lucky I had a conversation with my dad years ago and wrote down all the places he wants his ashes spread. So I feel good about that. I would really appreciate any guidance going through the part up until the cremation. I hope you are finding peace in your journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kevin8988 Posted August 6, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2020 Dear wildflower74, My deepest condolences to you and your family. Here is my experience. I was with my dad during his final hours, and later accompanied my dad's body from the hospital to the funeral home. It was my duty to do so, and I had no doubt that my dad wanted me to do so. My dad was a good person, I was glad I could do this one last thing for him. I brought a set of clean casual clothes for him, and later bought a new shirt for him to wear with his old suit. It turned out the new shirt was a little tight on the neck and it didn't look nice. But fortunately we had a closed casket funeral because my mom and I thought he didn't look good since he had been ill for a couple years. Our relationship with all other relatives were not particularly close anyway, so it was none of their business how we conducted the funeral. I had thought about keeping some of his ashes to put in a pendant, or a ring. But decided to let it go. I know my dad lives in my heart and his love stays with me forever. I don't need any physical material to remind me of him. I am sorry you can't have the memorial service now. Perhaps you can conduct a Zoom session for the relatives and close friends before the cremation, with music, talks, poems or prayers. To me, grieving is a process that helps you grow stronger emotionally and spiritually. I wish you all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark Coz Posted August 7, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2020 I totally agree with Kevin, My parents havnt been cremated but i washed my mothers body. We came out of our parents. They did everything for us as a baby and a child. Make sure you can look yourself in the mirror and leave no regrets during the proces. This is your proces and speak up about your needs. Grieving is indeed a proces that allows you to grow stronger in all aspects, mental, emotional and spiritually. Take care and you will make it. Best to you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PolBX Posted August 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2020 Im so sorry for your loss, i lost my Dad in June. It is the hardest thing. Do what you feel you need to do for you, that is important. Personally i went to see my Dad, but mainly because my Nan (his mum) wanted to as she hadn’t been able to say goodbye before he passed. So I went to support her, weirdly it was me that ended up sat with him, not really wanting to leave. Im glad I went and don’t regret it, however, I know I wouldn’t have regretted not going, we had said goodbye. And I think if you feel you have done this, then go with that don’t have regrets about not seeing him, and as you said hold on to that last memory that you already have. Even if you don’t feel that you have said goodbye, I think going to see him now has got to be a personal decision, do what feels right either way. Because of covid, we planned to live stream the funeral to friends and family that couldn’t attend, however, the wifi and signal failed us, but my partner filmed the service instead and created a beautiful video with photos at the beginning and end with the entrance and leaving music from the funeral. Its amazing and I love it, however weird it feels having a video of my dads funeral. We have share it privately with friends and family, and similar to you plan to hold something next year. We also had enough service sheets printed for people who couldn’t attend and I have sent them out to people this week along with a handmade card with a picture of my dad, and a book that he was involved with. I think that in grief there will always be regrets and things you wish you had done differently. But go easy on yourself do what you have to do for yourself to remember your Dad. I didn’t really think about rituals and gifts but before going to see my Dad, his friend gave me a record of one of his favourite songs and a letter, and his mum wanted to put a poem in. So the night before I ended up printing photos of the family to go along with him. My daughter also drew a picture. I hope this may have helped in some way. Its horrible, I know, but go easy on yourself, and do what is right for you and your family and your Dad. Lots of love xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wildflower74 Posted August 14, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted August 14, 2020 Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. He'll be cremated in a couple of days and I have decided not to see him again. Like PolBX said, I already feel like I said goodbye, so I'll leave it. I did decide that I wanted something physical to remember him, so I asked the funeral parlor for a lock of his hair. I cut off and left a small lock of my hair to go with him too. I'm feeling more at peace with the cremation now, but it's still hard. It's so final. Sending lots of love and peace to you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark Coz Posted August 15, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 15, 2020 Glad to see you found your way with this! Keep listening to yourself and do what feels good to you. Also dare to speak this out so no regrets are left behind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wildflower74 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2020 Thank you, Mark. I'm going to try to keep listening to myself. I'm glad this community exists but sad that it has to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark Coz Posted August 21, 2020 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2020 You're welcome. Whats the purpose of communication? Its to be there for others and hence for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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